make it a good day

mike the replacement trainer has me stressed out. he switched up the schedule, and really, he's just pissing me off. 24 Hour Fitness in general pisses me off with the way they treat their trainers, and how their trainers pass that service on down to their clients. i know i'm not your regular client, but seriously. open up a few more slots so that i can actually get in a workout that doesn't occur in the middle of the fucking day. bah. enough. reliving the anger does not help me get over it. it's over. i'll deal with the 3 weeks that marko is gone, and just go back to the ridiculous schedule i have with him. at least i know when i'll see him.

i need to make it a good day today. i need to find other outlets for my anger/frustration/emotion than food - which i thought i was doing, but apparently didn't, as i got home from the game and proceeded to eat my way through my house until well after midnight. i broke my "no food in bed" rule, ate while reading, and generally just ate like i'll never see food again. i'm disappointed in myself, but have the evidence that when i do this the right way, i can still lose a fair amount of weight.

GAH! more trainer drama

I hate drama. I really do. And frankly, having a trainer for the last 3 months has been more drama than it's fucking worth.

Milos took a new job out of necessity in February. He hates it. And I hate not working out with him. He assigned me to Marko, who I've grown accustomed to, even though I'm not a huge fan of his personality. His workouts are hard, though, and I do like that. His schedule is really inflexible, though, which is good for the planner in me (my appointments are always at the same time), but not great for the summer, when I know there will be other things that I want to do on weeknights (read: baseball games happen on Tuesday nights). But no matter the inflexibility, I've adjusted my life to make it work.

And then Marko went on vacation for 3 weeks. And assigned me to Mike.

Mike thinks he's Jillian Michaels. Or Bob Greene. Either way, he's a meathead, and his whole life revolves around the gym. His schedule is even worse than Marko's. His "free" days don't align with mine - at all - and he doesn't come to work before 11 AM on Saturdays. Which means that I get to work out at 2 o'clock in the fucking afternoon the next 2 Saturdays. It ruins my Saturday - or at least the flow of my Saturday. I get to shower at 4 PM. Yay. Gah. I'm so pissed.

This isn't worth my fucking money. I hate you, 24 Hour Fitness. I don't think I'll be reupping my contract in 15 sessions. Thanks for trying to upsell me, though.

cupcakes

there are 2 cupcakes sitting on the table in our office kitchen. there is also one slice of DQ ice cream cake left in the freezer. i want them so badly - still feeling like i'm in sugar rush central, after some of the treats from the weekend - but i know they're not worth it.

went on a mental break this weekend, and i know it's going to hurt my WI again. serious self-sabotage - i have a great week, and follow it up with a weekend where i pretend like i'm never going to eat again. wow, tanya. just wow.

oh, and...

i just learned about this: http://ow.ly/1CcDI

yes. a cupcake truck. this could be my demise. ;)

FINALLY!

i lost 4.8 lbs last week. you read that right. 4.8. as in almost 5. as in if i could have peed out just a little more, i would have lost 5 lbs over the course of last week. yah, i know. inappropriately graphic. but seriously - i practically did a happy dance off the scale!

okay - so i got rid of the big weight gain from a couple weeks ago. but now comes the challenge - really and truly getting off this plateau. i'm back to the weight i've been stagnant at since around november. i've seen 171 - just 3 more pounds from where i am now - so i know i can get there. i have to keep up what worked this week, focus on filling foods and identifying hunger vs. emotion, and using my 2nd journal. oh, and i have to keep up the exercise - luckily, i've got 2 stays in place that really help with that - my WW buddy kristen on monday and thursday mornings, plus my trainer on tuesdays and saturdays. that makes all the difference in the world!

changing perspective

it's been a rough few months for this girl. and while i've come up with a 100 excuses and reasons why this or that is making a negative impact on my weight loss, it's all really come down to the fact that i've let other things take control and not said no. i've made bad food choices - eating too much and neglecting my self-control - and it shows on the scale. since jan 1, i've gained roughly 9 lbs. my bff says that it's "my new relationship," but i heartily argue against that. if it's anything, it's the stress of work and not really being happy in what i do there. i've let the stress control my choices, instead of taking the less traveled road. that's all there is.

i'm trying something new - writing down every day little things that are happening with work, etc., as a 2nd way of journaling. this blog helps, but it's hard for me to do in 5 minutes every day. if i carry it with me, i can see what every day was like, and better evaluate the days that i seem to go off the deep end. what happened that day, what event, etc., that might have triggered a bad choice. this should help me better monitor my emotions, and hopefully figure out new ways to deal with them. we'll see if it helps. so far this week, it seems to be doing the trick.

WI again

well last week wasn't bad, but looking at the scale this week, it's going to be a bad one. 3 weeks of bad choices have caught up with me. luckily, i'm having a pretty good week. i've tried to cut down on a lot of my snack habits, and have limited myself to one sweet treat per meal (or no more than 3 per day). that has definitely helped, and i'm finally feeling a little more in control. i don't know what my issue has been, but i need to face it. because frankly, i haven't lost weight in 5 months. and i'm tired of being stagnant. time for this last bit of weight to go.

weigh-in day

it's weigh in day. i'm not looking forward to it. i'm pretty sure i blew myself out of the water again. time will tell, i guess.

ARGH!

that's all.

100 posts later

this is my 100th post on this blog - actually, it's one of the longer blogs i've ever kept adding too, even though i've had long quiet spells. i decided to look back a little, since i'm doing a yo-yo on the scale (or on a massive plateau - either way), and i'm having a really hard time figuring out where it is i want to be.

i started this blog on january 14, 2008. i had been on the WW program for 4 months. i had lost 40ish pounds. i was feeling successful, happy i had started, and healthier, even though it was only a short time i had been working the program.

that was 2 years, 2 months, and 2 weeks ago. in that time, i've removed 132 more pounds. 132 POUNDS. that is more than some people i know weigh right now. how amazing is that?!

i keep losing perspective on how far i've come and keep focusing on how much further i feel like i have to go. but the fact is that i've taken off an entire person - an entire MAN in some cases - in weight; i am super active - not a couch potato in any way; i'm healthier than i've ever been, in terms of blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar, as well in terms of athletic ability and fitness. i ran 3 miles this morning!

yet there is something - some little voice in my head that is telling me it's easier to be fat. to eat what i want and not feel judged. but i DON'T want to go back there - to the land where i couldn't go shopping with my friends, or wear cute clothes, or date, or buckle an airplane seatbelt. i don't want to! i love being thin. so what's the deal with my mental state?

i'm fairly certain i'm addicted to sugar. i'm fine until i have a little bit, and then it's a free-for-all. i've jumped into a sugar/fat daze 3 times this week, and frankly, it's making me feel like crap. my body is rejecting it - i have a terrible stomachache AGAIN - and yet, i keep doing it. the voice is saying that it'll pass and that it's worth it because it tastes soooooo good.

it's not worth it. it's not worth the humiliation, or the stomach pain, or the gained weight. it's not. enough giving myself slack, enough pretending like i've got this down. i've got issues with food, and i have to deal with them. or else i will gain back some of the weight i've lost - if not more. and frankly, i can't be 350 lbs again. i can't.

so what do i want? what am i able to do today that will help break my sugar free-for-all. first things first - no extra snacks. pay attention to hunger, and only eat when my tummy says that it's time for sustenance. stay out of the peanuts, the m&ms, the chocolate at grandma's. look at the tips i have learned, and the tips i deal out every day, and actually listen to my own advice.

i will not die without cake or ice cream. i will not die without a snack after lunch. i will die if i continue to eat sugar and fat like it's the only stuff on the planet.

today's goal: no extra snacks. stick to the plan i've laid out. pretend it's my very first day on weight watchers.

saturday

yesterday's little victory: i didn't overindulge when i got back to the office because i was so hungry after my doctor's appointment (for which i had to fast)

yesterday's whoops: insane TZ after got home from dinner. and didn't exactly stick to my plan at dinner.

great thing about today: i have points again. always a good thing. i'm eating out twice - once at applebee's and once at the sports column, so as long as i can manage those, i should be okay. we'll have to see how this goes - it could end up not being a great week at the scale because of my indulgences so far, but i have 5 days left to manage it.

off to restock my house with healthy choices!

friday!

well, here we are... on the precipice of another weekend. and this weekend i'm going to stick to my plan.

update on yesterday: went to grandma's, and the only folly i had was a couple handfuls of grapes, and a couple licks of frosting from the cake plate. but otherwise, stuck right to the plan. can't so much for when i got home, but i did kibosh the snacking before it got too out of hand.

today's challenge: other than a late breakfast, tonight's challenge will be pizza! we're having dinner at a great restaurant called Lala, and i'm super excited for some pizza. i can't eat a full pizza (they're 10 in pizzas), and the BF won't share, so i just have to make sure to box mine up when i've had my 2-3 slices. get it off the table so i won't pick at it. have a salad as a starter, and i shouldn't want any dessert. i've accounted for a glass of wine, and have a plan laid out to get all my GHGs in before i hit the restaurant.

i'm ready - only thing missing is a little exercise. if the rain/snow doesn't move in too quickly, we should be able to get in a quick walk before dinner - at least that's what i'm hoping! if not, there's always my gym time tomorrow.

the day after

oh man. i went to bed with a bellyache, and i am definitely paying for my overindulgences today. my tummy is gurgling, and i really just feel like my insides are in a big compactor. why on earth do i do this to myself? ugh.

on a good note, i got up and did an hour on the treadmill - 40 minutes running and 20 minutes walking. it was a lot of APs, and definitely helped kick my day off to a good start. plus, i'm tracked up for the day, and know if i have extra points to spend on snacks (i will NOT be snacking like yesterday, tyvm).

goal for today: not get overwhelmed by grandma's house - especially the chocolate. eat a nice dinner, go for a walk, and go home to go to bed. it's for the best, given the pain i have today from the chocolate consumption yesterday.

one day at a time.

blow up

yah. blew that good day right out of the water. i think i just ate my weight in tamales. and chocolate. but man, it was delicious.

i've gotta get better about listening to my body when it's full. i definitely overate at dinner, not to mention the little snack binge i went on before dinner. i was doing really well, but for some reason, after lunch, i got sidetracked and started some mindless snacking. not great. then i went to the grocery store for some things for dinner, and i bought cake while i was there. and ate the whole giant piece. especially the frosting. bad news.

well, tomorrow's a new day, and yes, weigh-in day. gotta face the bad choices i made today, and if that means i show a gain, it means i show a gain.

let's face it - i'm always going to have a love/hate relationship with food. learning to manage it is what i'm after, and while i'm trying, i can't be 100% perfect. if i can continue to learn more about me, and what triggers my snacks (boredom, loneliness - for the most part), and listen to my body when it says "hey, stop eating!" that's all i can really ask.

snow day!

well, i'm working at home today, so that will provide it's own set of challenges - and the ability to avoid a few things that usually are my downfall at the office. i did manage to avoid the m&ms and the peanuts yesterday - but did have some chocolate in the afternoon. i rearranged my plan a little, but i still enjoyed my soft tacos and some tortilla chips for dinner. it was a successful day, and i stuck to my plan.

other accomplishment for the day: leg pressing 230 lbs for 12 reps. that's the same that marko the new trainer can do. i think i made him feel bad. oh well - means he'll keep pushing me.

today's mini goal - to stick with the plan that i've laid out, even though i'm at home and have access to more food than i would if i packed my lunch. also, i need to get some exercise in - i think later in the day (after i've done most of my work for the day), i'll walk to safeway to pick up some more sour cream. it's only 6 blocks - should be an easy walk, even in the snow.

tuesdays that feel like mondays

i'm back to work after taking yesterday off, and that always throws my week out of whack. not that it's a huge deal - i'd rather be stuck a day behind and be surprised by the time we get to friday.

yesterday was a great back on track day - because dinner was pre-planned, i knew exactly how many points i could spend on lunch and on our tour of the coors brewery. i made a great decision on a sandwich (no chips or other sides), and had just one of my 3 free beers at the brew tour. i was able to stick to my plan, and even have some ice cream for dessert after dinner. i've got my plan laid out for today, including dinner out at a mexican restaurant, and i feel like i'm good to go. now to stay away from the chocolate and peanuts in the office!

yesterday's win: even though we had been walking around a lot of the day, i still went for a nice walk (about 20 min) before we had dinner. it wasn't the biggest AP day, but i did get in exercise, and that's what counts.

today's goal: stay out of the m&ms and peanuts, and stick to the plan i've laid out to be successful today.

snack attack

oh sundays. i was doing great all day - had made good choices, had lots of points set aside for dinner, and then bam! snack attack! it was the late night eating again - and i was hiding it. my friend is in town, and i even waited until she went to bed to start with my eating. really? bad habit!

but i know what my problem was - i felt the urge to snack setting in earlier in the day, and instead of consciously addressing it, i let it get the best of me. plus, i didn't set any small goals for yesterday. so, here we go.

saturday's success: only going into my WPA for dessert - otherwise, my dinner choice and my drinks were right inside my daily points. :)

sunday success: tracking up to the point of the snack, and getting some more things checked off my to-do list that have been put off lately.

today's small goal: to track every BLT, and to make good choices while out to lunch with my visiting friend.

back on track!

oh saturday

last night's party was a total success! it was actually more of a dinner party, and there was a really healthy selection of food - shrimp, bbq chicken sandwiches, crinkle-cut fries (just baked), strawberries, lettuce, and put it on yourself dressing (including oil and vinegar!). i was very pleased. i filled up on strawberries, shrimp, and salad, with a few fries and a little bit of the bbq chicken (no bun). i decided to split a piece of cake and some ice cream with adam, and it was a delicious cherry chocolate. it was well worth it - and while it was a bigger dinner than it would have been at home, i felt totally in control.

today's challenge: being sensible at the bar when we celebrate patty's birthday. i looked up the menu - a few things look good, but nothing that's saying "you must eat me..." i'll probably just stick with a salad there. have a couple beers, and call it good. the goal for tonight - watching the alcohol.

big win for today: according to 24-hour fitness, i'm now at 20.9% body fat and considered "athletic." i was just "fit" the last time we did measurements. but according to the measurements today, i'm golden! i think something was off (the scale - it was saying i was way down, which isn't quite right in my mind), but hey, i'll take it. :)

winning, in more ways than one

well, i did accomplish my mini goal for yesterday - with a slight modification. one of my co-workers decided to join me on my lunch walk, which was interesting. he doesn't realize that when i walk, i walk - not stroll. and i go for a half-hour. so we made it about 3/4 of a mile and he was like, okay, time to turn back. our walk took about 20 minutes. luckily, my mom wanted to go for a walk after dinner, so i got another 30 minutes in at that point. not a high AP day, but definitely better than nothing. and i stayed for getting started, which wasn't the great refresher i thought, but always good to look back at the basics of the program.

the scale was good to me, even though i didn't really deserve it. just going to keep on keeping on, and hopefully i won't see a backlash from my bad choices next week.

small win for today - i already got my workout in! even though i really didn't want to, i got up, got to the gym, and lifted weights and did a half hour of cardio. i'm set - and it feels good. plus, i'm pretty well tracked, and think i have a plan of attack for the party i'm going to tonight.

small goal today - be particularly choosy at the party i'm at tonight. decide what's worth the points, what's not, and limit my alcohol. i don't have a lot of DPs left for dinner (9), but i do have all my WPA. that will help!

mini goals - day one

i seem to be in a good headspace today. feeling like i've got a plan and a way to stick to it. i think the turnaround from yesterday's near-disaster helped center me - gotta figure out how to make it last...

maybe if i set little goals - things that for one day i'm going to particularly focus on - i will be better about making good choices and will see the scale drop. really, it's time to battle the mental beast - understand the reasoning behind my choices and figure out why i want to get to goal - and just work the program the way i know how - and in the right way, like a brand newbie.

today's mini goal: get in the 30-minute walk at lunch and stay for "getting started" after my meeting. hopefully there are some newbies, so i'm not the only one who wants to stay.

small wins - day one

last week, my leader challenged us all to make victory log - to celebrate our daily wins and to move past the negative thoughts. i blew it off. but given the thought from this morning that i'm the only one who's going to hold me accountable, the same goes with celebrating. i have to celebrate me and my work before anyone else will.

on that note... today's small win:
- i took what had started as a TZ day, laden with full-fat cheese and chocolate and ice cream (yes, ice cream) for breakfast, and turned it into a day where i actually ate less than my daily points (by 1), where i could have a beer at the hockey game, and not feel deprived or hungry.

tomorrow's a new day, and with weigh-in, a new week. if i'm lucky, i'll maintain. but if the scale jumps again, i can't be surprised or angry. but here's to starting over and taking it one day at a time.

emotional eating - am i using it as an excuse?

about 3 weeks ago, my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer. she's 80 years old, it's stage one, and frankly, it's still more likely that she'll die from the effects of 50+ years of smoking than the lump in her breast. and i know this. but today, something in my head triggered and said that all the bad choices, everything that has driven me off course in the last couple weeks is because i'm reacting to the news about my grandma.

am i really? or did my brain, which is trying to rationalize why i'm reverting to bad habits, just decide this was a good excuse? that it's just as good of a reason as any as to why i'm falling deeper and deeper into the twilight zone and can't seem to break the cycle?

i'm actively making bad choices. actively recognizing that i'm stopping at DQ twice in 2 weeks - something i haven't done in 2 years. actively realizing that the chocolate and cheese and ice cream and even the fruit that i'm overindulging on are not good choices. actively realizing that i'm eating beyond full, and continuing to eat. and i'm not stopping. at least 6 times in the last 2 weeks, i have fallen so far into the TZ that i've gone to bed with a stomachache and i couldn't track because i had no idea what i had eaten.

i'm exercising on a regular basis, and trying to call that my daily victory, but the fact is that i'm bored with that as well. i like my new workouts with marko, but still miss the conversation and time to reflect with milos. marko doesn't care about me or where i want to go - just about how strong i am and how much he can challenge me. i like the challenge - it keeps me going - but it's just not the same relationship that i had with milos.

the fact is that whatever excuse i want to label it - emotional eating, feeling trapped by the program and rebelling, boredom with the program, not having the motivation to get to "goal," not knowing what i want to feel like when i reach goal - they're still all excuses. no one else cares if i pig out on cake and chocolate and gain 20 lbs. no one else cares if i run 4 miles. i'm the only one who can hold myself accountable. i'm the only one who cares when i have a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad 4 months.

i have to make the decision -
- do i want to go back to where i was? no
- am i happy with the status quo? yes
- what do i have to do at least maintain where i am today? hold myself accountable. starting now.

bored

i've fallen into some pretty bad old habits the last couple weeks. i mean stopping at DQ for a blizzard bad habits. not stopping when i'm full bad habits. pretending like i've learned nothing in the last 2.5 years bad habits. it's frustrating, given that somewhere in my head, i believe that i really do want to get to goal, but frankly, i feel like i am fighting a losing mental battle. i've got this sense of entitlement - and boredom - that i am having a hard time combating.

while weekends haven't really been an issue before, now something in my head is saying, "hey, you've been great all week - why not an extra few points on the weekend?" or, even worse, the "you've already blown it today - just have a little more" voice. i've stuck to my diet all week - OF COURSE i can have some cake. and some ice cream. and not track it. i'm jealous of my skinny friends, eating what they want and knowing when to stop when they're full. i'm comfortable with my boyfriend who loves me just as i am - not because of the size my pants are or because i'm a certain weight. and i'm frustrated that i do so much to be healthy and he doesn't seem to care about what he does or how much he eats - and because he doesn't care what the scale says for him, he doesn't obsess over it like i do. i'm angry that i'm confined to a certain number of points a day and that i feel like it's actually impeding my life (finally). i'm angry that the food i love - the cheese and the bread and the sweets and the fried chicken - are high in fat and will always be my downfall.

i don't like to admit it, but i'm feeling bored with WW. the shiny glow has finally worn off after 2.5 years, and my honeymoon stage is officially over. you want to know the problem is? i don't know how being 150ish is going to be any different than being 170ish, and the motivation to get to 150 is gone. how is 20 more lbs really going to feel different?

i'm a visualizer, but i can't visualize how 150 is different from 170. is it really?

attack of the cookie monster

i ate a half-batch of cookies last night.

there. i said it. i was left alone with a bag of homemade oatmeal-raisin bites, and i ate every last crumb. and they were delicious. it won't help in my quest to lose weight this week - i will likely see another gain this week. at least i know this one is coming.

i'm having a hard time figuring out what my story is. what used to be easy and rote is now a battle with my mind every day. i feel like i have control, and then something triggers and BAM! i'm face-down in a pile of cookie crumbs.

i don't feel guilty about my cookie trip. which i think i ought to, but just feel like, oops, it happened again. i've got to buckle down - figure out why exactly i can't seem to get past this 175 mark.

something's gotta give

yesterday was the final crack in this humpty dumpty, and after all the pieces fell apart, i'm starting to pick them back up, one by one. it was a long day at the office, and i stepped on the scale and it said i had gained 2 lbs. i was so sad and frustrated - this was the week that i did everything right on plan. i tracked, i planned, i exercised - i worked the plan and the plan failed. and of course, this was our motivation meeting, and i was not drinking the kool-aid last night. my leader, michelle, says that it's cortisol from the work stress. she's right. but there's nothing - nothing in that little book or any of the meeting tips - that can fix it when you're doing it all right and the scale fails. so my quandry, and the basis for my 30-45 minutes of sobbing during and after the meeting, is that i don't know how to fix this - and the one thing that i felt i had control over this week, the one thing that i thought might give me a break, was the one thing that finally just crushed my soul. or was maybe just the pinprick that released all the pent-up frustration, let me cry it all out, and will now let me move on. and maybe get rid of the same 5 lbs i've been toying with for 2 months.

nothing drastic happened, other than the sobbing and mild cursing post-meeting. i had dinner with my mom; vented about work and why the scale bothered me so much, and basically decided to fake it until something finally gives. went home, made my lunch, planned out my day for today, and went to bed. got up this morning - forced myself out of bed for a run - and now i'm back at work. my outlook is improved, though i'm nowhere near fixed. i'll get there - i go through this cycle at least once a year - so don't be too worried about me.

3 positives:
1. i started my day with some exercise - got the endorphines flowing and added some APs to my week.
2. i have tracked all the way through dinner now, and i've already got my GHGs handled for today.
3. i'm planning ahead for the weekend - trying not to use any WPs before the big sunday game!

they say the last 20 are the hardest to lose

god, you have no idea.

my Member Success story for the gym

I first walked through the doors at 24-Hour Fitness having lost 150 lbs. with walking as my only form of exercise. I was terrified of the gym, not really knowing what to expect and under the impression that I’d be the most out-of-shape person in the room. But I sucked it up, joined in late May 2009, and bought three sessions with a personal trainer so that I could start some sort of strength training routine. I had no intention of buying more than those initial three sessions, but here I am, eight months later, working out with Milos at least twice a week.

Working out with a personal trainer has changed my perspective on exercise completely. In Milos, I have a partner who pushes me to go beyond what I think I can do without intimidation or insult. Showing him that I can do whatever he challenges me to pushes me to get to the gym even when we don’t have scheduled sessions. And the whole “I have to pay for it if I don’t show up” gets me there when I’d rather stay in bed. When I’ve had a long day at the office, I know that a trip to the gym calms my frustrations and pumps up my energy level, and is an emotional outlet that is not food-related. In 8 months, I’ve lost about 30 lbs., 10% body fat, and more inches than I could have ever imagined with the help of Milos and 24-Hour Fitness. Watch for me – I’m not giving up my membership any time soon.

some things never change

i love going back and looking at my old posts. and then laughing because some things never change. the last time i posted, i was in the middle of a food frenzy, prior to the holidays even setting in. now i'm here, on the other side of the holidays, and feeling like i'm in exactly the same place i was 6 weeks ago. except about 5 lbs lighter. and i'm not complaining about that.

i went berserk with the food consumption again last night. can't pinpoint a trigger, but do know that i was craving something. i couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was, so i started with a bit of ice cream, and ended up with cereal, cookies, cheese, and countless other things. feeling guilty, i did my best to track what i ate, but i'm sure i missed things. i'm through my WPA, and into my APs for the week, so i have to be good. i'm on plan for today - i have to resist the chocolate at grandma's for dinner. and stay out of the kitchen when i get home.

i have a weird new mindset that's popped up - basically, i feel like if i've earned APs in a day, i'm justified in going over my daily allotment. while this is okay, and almost actively encouraged by WW, this is not an okay justification for my binging. especially because i'm almost always NOT hungry. i'm eating to eat - and frankly, that's what got me in trouble in the first place!

seems like i've reached a place where it's time to start really delving into the psychology behind my eating, especially my snacking. eating to live is one thing, and enjoying a snack or two isn't a problem. but it's time to find something to do other than eat when i'm watching TV. some high quality self-monitoring needs to happen!

frustration

as i pointed out on sunday, i have eaten my way through the greater Denver area this last week. basically, if it wasn't mooing, it went in my mouth. and for whatever reason, it's becoming a trend, not a one-time occurrence. i have consistently eaten over my daily point allowance for at least 3 weeks running. though some days it's only 1 point over, i'm still dipping in. though i'm earning 3-5 APs a day, and have averaged 27/week for the last 4 weeks. i'm supposed to be able to eat my APs, and my WPA, and still lose weight. but i'm gaining. or maintaining. and it's really getting frustrating. or maybe i'm just crazy. i don't know anymore.

pointsapalooza

no wonder i keep gaining weight. or staying the same. i am not focused, and for whatever reason, have had a really hard time sticking to my guns and away from the snacks. i haven't had this problem until recently, and getting mad at myself on the scale isn't motivating me to get back on track. the week starts out great, but by the weekend, i'm over it. just blase about the whole system. i don't know if i'm bored - or just PMSing - or just in a funk, but i really need to get over it. going up on the scale does not help with the whole "getting to goal" thing.

i know i'm comfortable where i am. my clothes fit great, i'm getting attention, and people actually comment that they can't see how i'd have more to lose. while this is not unwelcome, it's not motivating me to keep pushing forward. i've watched my mom celebrate her goal, and making lifetime, and i want to be there. how badly, though?

hm.

i'm not excited to step on the scale tonight. the scale at the gym is indicating another gain this week, and i totally don't get it. i've tracked to the best of my ability; yes, i've eaten out, but i've made good choices. i haven't weighed and measured everything, but i've done really well sticking to the plan. after my gain last week (up a pound), i want to see a loss before i hit the road tonight. i'm hoping that the gym scales are just off, and my shoes weigh more than i think they do.

we'll see what happens.

my scale is broken

i have a bad habit of weighing myself before i go to my weekly meeting. i don't know why, but it helps me deal with whatever the "real" outcome is when i step on the scale at WW. i can brace myself for a gain, or gauge what my loss is going to look like. and for the last couple weeks, my scale has been unresponsive when i step on it (it's digital). the battery's obviously dead, and i haven't taken the time to replace it, but i feel like i'm floundering without the ability to weigh myself.

isn't that silly? we spend so much time at WW talking about how the number on the scale is just a number and we shouldn't let us define us. yet, even after 2 years, i depend on my little scale at home for some extra reinforcement that i'm on the right path. or to serve as the knife in the heart so that i don't get extra emotional on the scale at the meeting. stress weighs more, you know.

even as i sit here writing this, i have to laugh. i'm so not defined by the number of my weight - i could actually care less if i go up or down every week - but i'm feeling lost without my scale. i never have been a big fan of a surprise - i always went searching for my christmas gifts in advance - maybe that quick step on the scale to see where things will land is just one more defense mechanism against the surprise attack.

oh fuck.

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

yah. awesome. great.

how the hell do i end up getting put in charge of things?

how to avoid getting comfortable

i'm out of motivation. external motivation, that is. my internal stuff is still there - but mostly because after 2 years, it's weird when i don't track, or don't get some kind of exercise, or eat things that are ridiculously bad for me. i'm just feeling like i'm out of reasons to keep going on the last 36 lbs that i want to lose. my leader, michelle, calls this more of an attitude plateau than anything, and i know i'll get over it (i have in the past), but i'm just feeling like i'm getting too comfortable with where i am right now.

since i don't have any big events - no friends getting married, no vacations, no reunions or people to impress - i need to figure out a way to re-energize my weight loss. the only way i can think to keep this going is to set a new goal - a big goal - and work toward that.

when the clock strikes midnight on december 31, 2009, where do i want to be, weight-wise? let's look at the year so far. as of today, i have lost 42 lbs in 2009. in the last 12 months, i have lost 63 lbs. that means between august 24 and december 31 in 2008, i lost 21 lbs. is that a feasible goal for the last 16 weeks of 2009? if i continue to lose at the rate i've lost so far this year, an average of 1.3 lbs per week, yes, that is exactly how much i should lose between now and then. is it feasible for me to hit my goal weight this year? that's an average of 2.25 lbs/week - too much, i think. i'm not supposed to lose more than 1% of my body weight a week to stay in a "healthy loss." right now, that's 1.8 lbs/week.

my average loss per week for the entire 2 years i've been on WW has been 1.6 lbs/week. i'm going to shoot for that - it puts me at roughly 26 lbs by the end of the year. is it too much? ask me in 16 weeks? so there it is. i want to be within 10 lbs of goal by the end of the year - 161 lbs.

life 2 years later

in roughly 2 weeks, i celebrate my 2-year anniversary as a WW member. it has been the craziest, longest, most exhausting, and most rewarding 2 years of my life. in addition to the friends i've made in my meetings, i've made the most amazing group of friends from my online world. i've only met one, but love every single one of them as though we've known each other our whole lives.

in summary:
i have lost nearly 165 lbs in the last 2 years.
i've gone from a size 28/30 to a 12/14.
i have no idea how many inches i've lost, but i know i've lost 7% body fat in the last 2 months, just from adding strength training to my routine.

my life is completely different. i can't stand being at home laying around on the couch; i can climb a mountain without dying. i can wear my friends' clothes, go shopping in regular stores, and am so much more confident. i've started dating, i'm not afraid of being out and being social, and crowds bother me just a little bit less. i'm still uber claustrophobic, but not nearly as bad as before. i can comfortably sit in an airplane, and don't feel like i'm taking up all the air when i sit in a small car.

i'm not going to lie; i've never been happier.

wow.

i did something tonight that i haven't done in a really really really long time. i ate myself sick. i've been extra snacky for the last week or so, and have a good idea as to why that's been occurring (along with the constant craving for chocolate and salt). tonight, however, was different. i ate and ate and ate, and for whatever reason, couldn't quench that thirst for food. now, i'm laying in bed, sick to my stomach, and not even wanting to sleep because i feel so gross.

i'm not sure what brought it on. i'm not emotional about anything, and it really truly could just be hormones, but it's very odd that i couldn't bring myself to stop. i was very conscious of what i was doing, but my stomach overpowered my will power tonight.

it happens, but i need to make sure i don't let it happen again this week. i've already had a big food week, what with the eating out i've been doing, so if i see a gain this week, i know it's all my fault. hm. no good.

the great tooth debacle, part the last

it's official. i will have a front tooth on august 10, 2009. after a year and a half of ridiculousness. shall we track the timeline on this sucker?

feb 2008 - after about 3 months of putting it off, i finally mention to the dentist that the back of my right front tooth feels odd. he looks at it and says it's resorption - my tooth eating itself from the inside out (the opposite of a cavity). sends me to the endodontist.

mar 2008 - root canal, in 2 parts, to try to save my tooth. awesome. cost: $900.

sept 2008 - tooth starts to hurt; can't bite apples any more. fear tooth is broken, avoid the dentist.

oct 2008 - face swells, go to endodontist; he says the tooth must come out.

nov 2008 - after 2 rounds of amoxicillan and a round of clindomycin, face swelling finally chills and dentist can pull tooth. puts in bone grafting material, and i look like a hockey player and have plastic on the roof of my mouth, like i did from 5th grade thru college. cost: $1500

apr 2009 - my jaw bone is finally stable enough to hold a titanium post. awesome oral surgery. implant takes just fine. cost: $1000

july 2009 - implant officially declared a win - go to dentist for final set of impressions so crown can be made. told that 8/10/09 will be d-day. cost: $1400

aug 10, 2009 - best day ever. get new tooth, remove plastic from roof of mouth, get to see the rockies and the cubbies play for the 2nd time in 4 days. cost: priceless

trying to inspire, version 2

I’ll admit it – I live in a state of perpetual self-delusion. According to my mirror, I’ve always been a size 8. It didn’t matter that my face got a little rounder, or that I was wearing the largest size that the plus-size store carries. I slid on my size 28 jeans every day, and my mirror said I looked fabulous.

When I started traveling for my first post-college job, I found I couldn't buckle the airplane seatbelts. Have you ever had to ask for an extender? It’s humiliating, and was enough to shake my version of reality. What 24-year-old has to ask for a seatbelt extender? So I started buying more vegetables. I even bought some workout DVDs. And I didn't change my lifestyle a single bit.

After I moved back to Colorado, my mirror image continued to hide my waistline, and had me completely convinced that it was the thin mountain air that made me winded during a walk. In what could only be called a momentary lapse of reality, I agreed when my mom asked me to go with her to Weight Watchers. I was completely against the thought of talking to a group of strangers about my weight (which was not a problem!) – but I went.

I don’t know what I expected, but I do know that what I saw in the mirror was altered drastically when I stepped on the scale for the first time. The “Guess My Weight” game I had been playing was over, and all I could see was the 195-lb difference between the scale and what Weight Watchers said was a healthy BMI for my height. I didn’t cry; I was too shocked.

I’m still working on a new version of reality. The weight fell off at first, but after losing 50 pounds, I almost gave up. The scale said the plan was working, but I looked exactly the same. It took those “strangers” to remind me that my energy was up and my clothes were too big. I pushed through it, and in just about 21 months, I’ve lost almost 150 pounds. I actually eat more vegetables, and I consistently walk 3 miles in the thin mountain air. Thanks to Weight Watchers, I can live my life like any other 26-year-old. It still needs some work, but this girl is now far closer to the size 8 in the mirror than ever before.

trying to inspire, version 1

I live in a state of perpetual self-delusion. Instead of being the skinny girl constantly complaining of a phantom five pounds, I was the girl who slid on her size 28 jeans and saw a size 8 staring back in the mirror. Yes, my face was a little rounder than before. And yes, I was wearing the largest size that the plus-size store carries. But I was fine, right? Wrong. I was unhappy; I was just really good at convincing myself otherwise.

Due to what can only be called a lapse to reality, I agreed when my mom asked me to go with her to her Weight Watchers meeting. I didn’t know what I was in for, but I do know that reality hit hard when I stepped on the scale for the first time. The “Guess My Weight” game I had been playing in my head was finally given a concrete answer; all I could see was the 195-lb difference between what I weighed and what Weight Watchers said was a healthy BMI for my height. I didn’t cry; I was too shocked.

I’ve always thought that being “big” was in my genes. My parents have struggled with their weight most of their adult lives, so of course it wasn’t my fault. The trouble was, though, that it was my fault. I’m the one who went to college and chose the couch over the pool. I’m the one that drove across campus instead of walking. I’m the one who consciously ignored the fact that my pant size was climbing and I suddenly had to ask for a belt extender on an airplane. That number on the scale was no one’s fault by my own.

At first, the weight just fell off, which was more than encouraging. But after losing 50 pounds, I was ready to give up. The scale said the plan was working, but my self-delusion said I looked exactly the same. My mirror image didn’t realize that my energy was up, my clothes were too big, and I just felt better – so I pushed through the mental block. In just about 21 months, I’ve lost almost 150 pounds – by watching my portions, moving more, and sticking to the Weight Watchers guidelines. I may still live in a state of self-delusion, but this girl is now far closer to the size 8 in the mirror than ever before.

what?!

can someone please explain to me how exactly it got to be the 8th day of july? because the last time i checked, i was wearing sweaters and snowboarding. and it was march.

my month of travel in june is finally over, though, and for that, i can't be happier. it's hard to be on the road all the time and still take care of yourself. and to think that i actually thought about looking at college admission jobs again this morning. i can't stand 3 trips in one month - 2 of them for pleasure - how on earth did i handle being gone every week for 4 months? sheesh - no wonder i gained 50 lbs between graduation and joining WW. not to mention the 100 lbs i had gained between high school and college graduation. ay de mi.

someone asked me last night why i'm not dating anyone. the truth? i have yet to see anyone really think that i'm cute and want to talk to me. so i'm still not confident that anything i've been doing has changed the way the world perceives me. i want to start dating - i just have to figure out how to go about it. we'll see what happens.

oh wednesday

kind of an odd, rough day for my emotions. my bestie called me this morning with bad news - her grandpa passed away. i didn't know her when her grandma died, or if i did, we weren't besties yet and i don't remember it. but we were definitely besties when my grandma died when we were 19, and when my grandpa died in 2007. she was there, bringing me whatever i needed, even if it was just a hug. and i am having some severe guilt over the fact that i won't be able to do the same for her - not completely, at least.

i leave for texas for 5 days on friday. the funeral is likely to be saturday at this juncture, and i won't be here to go. yes, her boyfriend and our other friends will take care of her, but it's supposed to be my job. i'm her best friend - she was there for me, and i have to repay that. i know i can't control it, but i still feel guilty about not being in town.

on top of that, i'm discovering some awesome unresolved emotions about my grandma's death. next thursday marks the 7th anniversary of the day she died and my stable family life went boom. she was the first person whose death really and truly devastated me. though it didn't surface for about 18 months, her death sent me into a deep depression. like any good girl, i ate my way through my emotions, and probably gained the majority of my weight between 20 and 22. i saw a shrink for awhile, and was on anti-depressants, and while i get a little sad around the 4th of july, i pretty much thought i had this all behind me. but for some reason, today's news has rocked me to the core.

i'm not 100% sure what the emotions are - i'm feeling a little empty, a little guilty, a little sad. i miss my grandma more than anything in the world, and i know that my bff will miss her grandpa in the same way. they were extremely close, and i know she's unsure how this will knock her family around. how do i tell her that it'll be fine, when even 7 years later, i'm not really fine?

a picture's worth 1000 words

Or something like it... let's see if we can get this picture progression to work!





May 2007 - 4 months prior to starting WW














November 2007 - 2 months on WW - about 25 lbs gone












March 2008 - About 65 lbs gone













July 2008











October 2008 - Just over 100 lbs gone








Mach 2009 - 130 lbs gone













May 2009 - 148 lbs gone!

breaking the routine

i've been housesitting the last couple days, and it's been a hard transition. i don't sleep very well when i'm not in my bed, and you add in all the weird sounds of a different house and the whining of the dog, and that's just the first part of the change in my routine. i also don't have my food, which i think is the hardest part of housesitting.

looking in other people's refrigerators is an interesting study. there was the lady that had absolutely nothing in her freezer except frozen dinners. this current fridge has beer, a couple pitchers of water, and some leftovers. nothing else. no fruit; no veggies; no milk. which means that i had to go grocery shopping to survive the 5 days i'm here. it was an exploration in finding easy meals that didn't require a lot of the things i have standard in my house - vegetables, frozen meat, cereal, milk, eggs, etc. i've resorted to strawberries and blueberries for fruit in the morning, along with some eggo nutri-grain low-fat waffles and a glass of milk. it's okay, but definitely not sticking with me like some of my other breakfasts.

it's hard to eat filling foods when the fridge you have access to is not adequately stocked. i'm staying on plan, and getting my HGs in through other ways, but it's a change to my routine. we'll have to see what effect it has at the scale next week. hopefully it's not a bad effect.

the late night snack monster

i've had a recent fight with the late-night snack monster. i don't know if he comes to visit because he knows i'm bored, or if i'm just not planning my dinner meals appropriately. usually, i'm good about having one late night snack - but recently, i've been craving salt, which means the potato chips become a big ol' red light food for me. i've been good about tracking (other than that bowl of cereal i had last night at 9:30...) everything i eat, but i'm eating away points that i don't necessarily need to spend.

time for a re-eval. i need to figure out what's causing my salt cravings, look at my dinners so they include more filling foods, and STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN. bah.

how to be an inspiration

my new WW leader keeps telling me that i should think about writing my success story because i'd be an inspiration to other people. while people constantly ask me questions about my weight loss, and i'm happy to help them, i have a really hard time seeing myself as an inspiration. i have no big story to tell, no uber-moving motivation that made me change my ways. no kids that "need" me; no doctor telling me that if i didn't change something, i'd die. i was tired of being fat. that's it.

WW hasn't been hard for me. i was ready to make the change. the weight has fallen off consistently over the last 18 months. sure, i've hit some rough patches, but i've stayed the course. there's been some mental wrestling - finding new motivation, reminding myself what it was like 143 lbs ago - but i've never wanted to just give up. how does that help someone who is on the verge of just plain giving up?

my mental block to this exercise exists in another form as well - i still have 50+ lbs to lose. i don't think it's fair to claim the "i'm a success" card until i've actually hit my goal and had to maintain it for a little bit. that's a whole new can of worms. just because i can get it off doesn't mean i can keep it off.

am i making too much of this?

woo hoo!

tonight was a pretty big milestone for me - i've lost 10% of my body weight 5 times. which is a huge number - 143 lbs! that's more than some of my friends already weigh. which is a little bit scary - thinking that i was essentially carrying one of them around on my back for the last few years.

things are different now - i'm taking care of myself, i make better choices, and i actually give a rat's ass about how i look. not that i didn't before, but it's so much easier when clothes actually fit.

i'm still working on things - i've still got about 50 lbs to lose. and it's going to be a hard 50 lbs to lose. but i feel great - so awesome as i head into my 27th year on the planet.

where i've been

i know - it's been more than a month than i had anything to say. most of that had to do with march being about the busiest month on record. i was going a million miles an hour, and it really went by without me realizing it.

summer is back - and it's my favorite time of the year. i know what you're thinking - it's hardly april! but baseball started last Monday, and started here at home yesterday. and that's the first indication of summer for me. then comes dinner and drinks on the patio, late nights at the pool, and barbecues. my friends are out of school (a lot of them are teachers), and have more time for random outings. it's less of a fight with myself to go out and exercise because i'd rather be outside than inside. i love summer in Colorado, and i can hardly wait!

jackie and i!

My online WW friend, Jackie, and I had the opportunity to meet today, and took a nice long walk all around downtown Denver. For all our other WW friends, here we are!

what happens when i travel...

i am a walking ball of crazy, moreso than the usual level of crazy. the reason: my routine got screwed up.

i am one of those strange creatures of habit. the kind that gets up at the exact same time every day, has a very strict shower routine (shampoo, body wash, conditioner, face wash), feels late if she's at work later than 7:40 AM, and pretty much knows what's on the calendar for any given day. this week, however, i hit a huge snag, and it's thrown me totally off kilter.

the snag - i traveled for work. went to a conference in vegas for 3 days. stayed at caesar's palace. it was ridic.

big deal, i know. but somehow, it was enough to knock me out of alignment, and i'm having a hard time getting back to my schedule. not being on schedule stresses me out, which causes me not to pay attention to my snacking habits, and leads me on the dangerous chocolate path. today is the first day in a week that i feel semi in-control again, and i need to make sure i stay in control the rest of the week.

when the stars go blue

i've been on an uber emotional rollercoaster this week - and there's been nothing really to prompt it other than hormones. i'm not quite sure what the deal is; i'm eating right, and exercising, but for whatever reason, i've been extremely lonely, irritable, and just plain down for the last 3 or 4 days. i don't really want to be around anyone, but i crave attention. i'm being super productive at work, but feel like i'm not accomplishing anything. there's nothing out of the ordinary happening, but i feel super stressed out.

i hate feeling like this. i'm feeling stuck - i know that my feelings are illogical and irrational, but i just can't seem to shake them. and that makes me even more irritable and sad. what's my deal?

gah.

i am exhausted

thank god tomorrow is friday. i don't know how exactly i managed to get through this week, given that starting on tuesday, i've been convinced it's a day later than it actually has been. so annoying when you wake up and realize it's only thursday.

it's been a long week, but not for any real reason. i've had a lot to do, and i feel like i've been spinning my wheels. nothing is moving, or i feel like i'm recruiting for positions that don't go anywhere. i think a lot of people are seeing something similar, but i hate getting people's hopes up for no reason at all.

in other news, i have to figure out what i'm getting everyone for christmas. it's usually pretty easy, but for some reason, i'm having a heckuva time this year, particularly with my dad. hm. we'll have to see what i can come up with!

okay, okay - here are some pictures

here are the pictures! in 14 months on WW, i've lost about 110 lbs.

my mom and i, at a picnic about a month before i started WW:















and me out in LA, in october 2008, after 14 months on WW:








from my trip to san diego last October - i had been on WW for about a month:


















same group, a year later:


















from our trip to vegas, november 2007:























and from a day at the food bank, about a week ago:

le sigh.

my face hurts. after 7 days of antibiotics, and 7 days of thinking i had beat this stupid tooth infection, my lip swelled to the size of jupiter on saturday morning. so i'm back on antibiotics. and my tooth comes out on 11/12. sweet!

i'm having mixed feelings about my tooth coming out. i had a flipper for about 6 years that allowed me to pop 2 of my teeth in and out, and i was sad when i couldn't do my party trick any more... i'll have that ability back, but at the cost of losing my front tooth. i'm also happy that my face won't hurt any more, and won't randomly swell. but cosmetically, I'M LOSING MY FRONT TOOTH! so... mixed bag, you see.

so i've been asked for pictures again... i will find some cute ones and post them as soon as i have a chance (and i remember). hopefully i'll find time in the next night or so to get that done.

the tooth rebellion, part deux

my teeth are rebelling. this is nothing new; the whole thing started in february with a funny spot on the back of my front tooth. i had a root canal, and all seemed to be fine. not so much.

my tooth has been aching intermittently for the last month or so. i have a pretty high tolerance for pain, so i didn't really notice it. around the first of the month, the pain became more increasing, and i noticed that my teeth weren't so straight anymore. the tooth that had had the root canal was dropping - it's slipping out of its socket. since last wednesday, i've been in pretty much constant pain, popping ibuprofen every 4 hours. last night and the night before, the pain has awoken me. it's bad news!

i'm going to see the endodontist around noon. he's going to look at the x-ray and tell me it's time for my tooth to come out. which means a flipper with a fake tooth at a minimum and another implant second. awesome.

what happens when we grow up

i just came back from spending the weekend in LA with 5 of my friends from college. overall, it was a fairly good weekend - but i noticed a lot of things that i hadn't noticed in the past. namely, people that i used to have a lot in common with, i no longer do. i know it comes from the fact that we all live hundreds of miles apart, and our lives have gone other directions, but it's sad when conversation basically just stops. maybe it's because we think we've got the info we need, or because we just don't care anymore.

of the five people (other than myself) that were there, i really only have the desire to see two of them again. these are the people that i regularly talk to, and who i would go visit outside of our yearly ritual. it's sad, but i suppose it's the way it goes when you grow up. you spend time with the people who reciprocate the relationship, and you find less and less in common with the people who don't.

today is august

july was a shit month, to put it frankly. a shit month for working and weight loss, i should say, since i had a great time socially. i'm ready for august. even with its 100 degree days and 80 degree nights. it's a new picture on the calendar (this month on "the office" wall calendar: toby, from HR - "Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um...I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly."), and the time for me to pretend july never happened and do what i need to do to get over my mental block and keep moving forward.

i lost 3.4 lbs this week, which is a great boost after 3 weeks of practically no movement. i was ready to get home and take a walk, even though it was hotter than hades yesterday.

i can do this. i know i can. i've been at it for 11 months. just do it, damnit.

i have hit a mental wall.

i'm mostly on plan, but not 100% committed.

i don't what's causing my mental block, but it would sure be great if i could figure out how to get over this bump in the road.

disappearing.

i am in a funk.

i have no motivation, and i've grown rather apathetic in the last few weeks. i haven't been diligent about anything WW-related, and feel like i've lost my reasoning why this is what i want to be doing. it's cheaper and easier to eat the crap food, even though i feel like trash afterwards. i don't know what to do to kickstart myself back into high gear.

it's frustrating.

picture time!

i took a really cute picture last week when my friend was in town (and we were at the bar... surprise, surprise), and it prompted a "let's put up some new photos" thought. so, here we go:

may 2007, 6 months prior to WW:


march 2008, 6 months into WW, 65ish lbs lost:


july 2008, 94 lbs lost:


amazing.

and that's what happens

i've "kind of" been on plan this last week. it was a holiday weekend, and i was, at best, getting in my water and veggies every day. and i consumed a LOT of alcohol. again. for about the 4th week in a row. and it showed: i lost a small .4 lbs this week (tiny after 3 weeks of averaging 3 lbs lost each week).

i was trying to figure out how this week has been different than the proceeding weeks, and the fact is that even though i ate out a bunch over the proceeding weeks, i also still ate at home a fair amount. this week, though, i ate out EVERY SINGLE DAY. seriously.

last thursday: baseball game. ice cream and 2 beers.
last friday: the 4th. 1.5 hotdogs and 1 hamburger, a bunch of chips, 3 beers, and a margarita
saturday: baseball game. ice cream and 2 beers.
sunday: baseball game. ice cream and 1 beer. chicken enchiladas.
monday: dinner at grandma's - roast beef, asparagus in velveeta, oven roasted potatoes in oil
tuesday: bar night. 4 beers. a bunch of chips and guacamole.
wednesday: chipotle.

that was my week. add in minimal structured exercise, and it's pretty amazing that i even managed a .4 loss.

it's time to get back to the basics. i hear myself say that, but it really and truly is. i need to make time for structured exercise. less beer, more water. better choices when eating out. make a plan! track. every day, after every meal. not all at the end of the day.

it's going to be a big week. i need to make time for me, and remember why it is that i'm on this journey in the first place. and what i want in the end.

i want to eat EVERYTHING

i'm in a munchy kind of mood. not for any particular reason, and i have a feeling that it's eating out of boredom, but really have a strong desire for cheese pizza (extra cheese) and nasty gooey greasy food. or a bag of cheetos. either way. i could be a black hole today, and i'm doing my best to stay out of the kitchen and away from the food. i'm not eating, but i know it's there. could make for a long evening....

i went swimming yesterday for the first time in probably 3 years. it's been a LONG time since i pulled on a swim suit and got in the water - strange since i swam competitively for about 8 years of my life. it was glorious. i forgot how much fun being in the water is, and how relaxing just chillin' there is. let's do it again!

must make myself go for a walk, and should probably get my ironing done.

my family exhausts me

it has been quite the weekend. i have spent more time with my family over the last 4 days than i have in a really long time - including the trip we took to austin. there's an added family member though - my great aunt, who is 95 - and while she's the sweetest lady ever, she's managed to make us all a little crazy. she's pretty lonely, and when she's around us, she talks nonstop. she has been going for 3 days now, and the trouble is that she ran out of things to say 2 days ago. so she's repeating. and repeating. and repeating. it's kind of annoying, no matter how sweet and cute she is at 95.

her favorite topic for the weekend? how much weight i've lost and how pretty i am now!! it's not a backhanded compliment, but it pretty much feels like it. as if i wasn't pretty before (i'm not, but that's a self-esteem issue, not a beauty issue). i'm so tired of people talking about my weight. can we please let it go now? a simple "you look great" suffices. the rest of the family managed it.

i know she's just trying to pay me a compliment, but really. i'm done. can we please change the subject now?

the beer diet - i swear it works.

i joke around a lot by nature, but sometimes i forget that not everyone appreciates my sense of humor. i've gotten pretty vocal (and off-topic) recently in my WW meetings - i'm loud and obnoxious when i'm comfortable, and it seems i've finally gotten comfortable in my meetings. and last night i made a joke that i don't think everyone appreciated.

i've seen tremendous losses in the last 2 weeks, and the only thing that i can attribute to changing is that my beer consumption has pretty much tripled since the start of june. so after i stepped off the scale last night with another multi-pound loss (2.5 this week), i joked to my mom that i was going on a beer diet. when we got around to celebrations (i was celebrating 90 lbs lost), my leader asked what i would recommend to the newbies and i said, jokingly, the beer diet. some people laughed, but my leader looked horrified. immediately i said that i was joking, and then made some helpful comments about tracking, etc., and we went on. i made another comment to my mom later about the beer diet, and i got a nasty look from my leader.

i'm joking around! seriously. i'm not condoning consuming massive amounts of alcohol, particularly as a healthy way of living. but i don't think it's a bad thing to show that i can still have fun like any other 25-year-old on the planet and still loose weight. isn't that really what WW's message is - learn to eat what you want while living a healthy lifestyle? maybe i'm wrong, but that mindset is what keeps me focused.

encouraging v. overbearing

i have a friend who did WW a long time ago, and has actually made lifetime twice before, but has gained back the weight again. now she has other health problems (sleep apnea, diabetes, high bp, etc.), and isn't really doing anything about it. she's taken some classes on dealing with her diabetes, and the doctor just keeps telling her that most of her trouble would be solved if she lost some weight - just 10% of her current weight. she tried south beach for about a week, and then gave up. she ate the diet prescribed by the diabetes person for a week, and gave up. she tells me these things constantly, but i don't see any commitment on her part to change.

she's watched my journey thus far, and also comments that she needs to go back to WW. i've never pushed, just encouraged. offered for her to go with my mom and i, so she'd have a buddy to help her on her journey. told her about the program, and why i like it. she finally told me last week that she was going to go to a meeting this past weekend, and when i asked how it went yesterday, she said she didn't go. her excuse was that she forgot to print the meeting schedule, so she didn't know what time to go. and promptly followed it up with a "but I really do need to go."

this frustrates me, because i'm kind of tired of hearing her shoulda/coulda/wouldas. she could do this, if she really wanted to, but i know there's no commitment on her side, and i know from personal experience that you can't make someone be ready to change their life. they have to be ready themselves, or they don't stick to it. it's just the way it is.

how do i stay encouraging without getting overbearing, or worse, just getting fed up at her? i want to print the schedule for her, just so she won't have that excuse, but i won't. i don't really want to talk about my success with her, because it will just inspire another round of "i should..." i feel like i'm in this weird catch-22 - she won't do anything at all if i stop encouraging, but i'm afraid i'll get pushy with her if i have to listen to her do nothing for much longer....

frustrated. agitated. annoyed.

hm. there seems to be an epidemic. a plan canceling epidemic. and it's reaching a new high.

i get really annoyed when people cancel plans on me, especially when they have no real good reason. i do my best to keep plans i make with people, and really only cancel them in dire situations. why can't people have the common courtesy to do the same?

i just got ditched because "8:00 PM is too late to go out." um, seriously? you're 23. 8:00 PM is not too late. in fact, it's early. especially on a saturday. we've had plans to do something this weekend for 3 weeks, and you cancel on me the night before. yes, i know you have to work all day tomorrow, and i don't, but wouldn't it be nice to just go have a nice dinner and maybe go to the movies afterwards? don't feed me lines like "oh it'll be more fun when you can come down for a whole day and we can go to the mountains or something." bullshit. dinner and conversation can be fun too.

what. the. fuck.

so apparently feeling out of control isn't always a bad thing.

i lost 4 lbs this week. what. the. fuck?! i mean, seriously.

since my last weigh-in, i have consumed over 90 ounces of beer, 7 slices of pizza, and an undetermined number of m&ms. i ate all but 10 of my weekly point allowance, and feel like i hardly cooked for myself at all (which is true).

the leader i had for meeting this week (my normal leader is on vacation) said that sometimes our bodies like it when we mix things up - break the routine we get used to - and it kickstarts our metabolism. sounds good to me.

but it's time to get back to the routine - tracking, watching what choices i make, earning APs, etc. i only have 1.6 lbs left to hit my goal for 4th of july. 2 weeks to do it. no problem.

feeling out of control

i hate feeling out of control. yes, i'm a control freak, and a planner, so of course being out of control makes me nuts. and this has been the worst week for feeling out of control.

i know exactly how it started: i weighed in last thursday, went home, and ate 4 slices of pizza and drank 4 beers. bam! out of control. friday and saturday, i wrangled it in, but then sunday came. even though i made weight watchers recipes for dinner (mid-afternoon dinner), i still managed to overeat my daily points. only by a couple (and i had activity points to supplement). last night was dinner at grandma's, and while it was delicious, it was over my points for the day. tonight we're having a dinner party/meeting for one of the groups i'm a part of, and i have NO control over what's being served. knowing the person cooking, it'll be full of fat, but delish. i'll just have to watch my portion size.

it's tuesday. i weigh in again on thursday. i'll be thoroughly surprised if there's a loss this week.

in the meantime, i'm not eating at home tonight, i'm going to the baseball game tomorrow night (woo beer points) and it's our monthly birthday celebration in the office, i have a lunch meeting at the olive garden on thursday (soup, salad and breadsticks, baby), and finally i have a lunch date on friday. saturday, there's a fair chance i'll be eating out twice.

i hate feeling like this, but it's how life moves. how am i supposed to work the program when my life pretty much prevents me from doing it?

oh wow.

so yesterday was a minor victory in the land o'weight loss. i was down .8, which puts me just shy of my 85-pound star, and within 5 lbs of my 4th of july goal. not bad for a week packed with snack attacks.

then it was post-meeting time and i just seemed to forget who i was and what i was doing. 4 beers and half my weekly point allowance later, it's friday morning. i'm surprisingly not running slow this morning (probably a good thing, since i seem to be the only one in the office...), but i am feeling rather guilty about the ridiculous amount of food/alcohol i inhaled yesterday.

granted, i know that my WPA is there for me to use, but i usually use it over the course of saturday and sunday, not all on thursday, right after WI. oh my.

well, this means i'll need to be on my best food behavior the rest of the week. particularly over the weekend. help!

people never cease to amaze me...

...in good and shocking ways.

the fact that i've lost 83 lbs has become quite evident in recent weeks. when i wear a shirt that is too big for me, it's very clearly too big for me (4 sizes, usually). a lot of my pants don't fit right and kind of hang off my legs (it's hott, let me tell you). most people have been doing the rave, "oh gosh! you look amazing!" thanks. i feel amazing. the conversation at work turns to WW more and more frequently, and everyone around here knows i'm doing it. or so i thought.

today, however, something interesting went down. i was standing in the kitchen after finishing my lunch, deciding if i was going to have enough cheese today to count as a dairy serving, or if i should eat the yogurt i brought. of course, i wonder these things out loud. one of my co-workers (of "your hair looks like crap" fame) was in the kitchen and she goes, "are you still doing that program?" i said, yes, of course. her response? "is it working?"

seriously? seriously.

kind of ego deflating (the praise has definitely gotten to me), but i'm really kind of amazed by it. you see me every single day of the work week. you really don't notice that close to 100 lbs of me is gone? i understand when i don't see it, because everyone has a fake image in their heads of what they think they look like. but really? everyone else on the planet can see it, and you want to know if it's working?

sometimes, people really make me wonder...

things i should have addressed yesterday

i consistently write notes on facebook that really have nothing to do with anything specific. sometimes they're about articles i've read, or events in my life, or just random thoughts that have bubbled forth into written form. yesterday i wrote an open letter to my "children," or rather my friends who are not being particularly friend-like as of late. this was all prompted because one of my closest friends canceled plans for the 2nd time in a week, and was putting her EX-boyfriend ahead of us (who, incidentally, dropped everything to take her to dinner on her birthday when the asshole broke up with 2 days prior). granted, there is a lot backstory here that i'm not going to share, but it came down to the fact that she was choosing he who broke her heart over they who helped fix it. anyway, this prompted a nice facebook note about being done - how it was time someone appreciated me and decided that i was most important. even though i wrote it out there, i guess i didn't realize how upset and hurt i really was. not until around 9 when i got around to tracking my dinner points.

my roommate and i made breakfast for dinner - pancakes and bacon and fruit. and i ate 6 slices of bacon (well, 12 half-slices, because i cook bacon only in halves) without even realizing it. i just ate. it was delicious and accessible and damn it, if she wasn't going to be there to eat, i was going to eat it for her just to prove to her that she missed a delicious meal.

one of the big things i've been trying to learn through WW is how to curb emotional and celebratory eating. we all do it. got a promotion - let's go out for a good dinner and drinks! bad day at work - bring on the chocolate and pint of ice cream. lonely - eat a bag of chips. everything is punctuated with food. i was trying to make myself feel better, and make my friend feel guilty (even though she didn't know i was eating the bacon), and i was going to do it with food.

i'm frustrated that i didn't recognize that i was emotionally eating. i need help working on recognizing it before it happens; or at least while it's happening so i can nip it in the bud. hindsight is 20/20, but how can i work on becoming a new me if i just fall into my old habits when i'm tired or upset or lonely? or even happy, for that matter?

work and creepers

when i first started WW, i tried to keep it under wraps at the office. not that it was a big deal, but it sort of was. i did, however, confide in two of my closer friends... bad news, because they're pretty much the office gossips. anyway... lately, it's become a lot more obvious that i've lost a good amount of weight, and people have started commenting on it. there is one lady in particular who makes a really big deal out of it. she works remotely a lot, so she's in the office maybe once a week, unless she's teaching at a client site. she hasn't been to the office in about 3 weeks, and yesterday made a HUGE deal about how i looked. it makes me feel good, but she does it in a way that EVERYONE in the office knows my business (aka, she's really loud). she then proceeded to tell me that when she was in her early 20s, she lost about 80 lbs and the hard part for her was the attention from men. apparently, some guy told her he would drink her bath water. ew. ew. ew.

i'm not quite sure what to take from the conversation yesterday. i definitely don't look forward to creepers hitting on me, if that's what her point was. i'm excited that i've done really well in my journey toward a new me, but it's still weird when people notice. i don't know what to think most of the time, and we all know how horrible i am about receiving compliments. i don't have much practice in this area... the looking cute and flirting part. i guess i'll just have to take it as it comes...

it's the bangs

i have been friends with my best friends for 11 years, since we started high school. 4 of the 5 of us have our birthdays within 30 days of each, and we're well into the heart of birthday season. so the scene: bowling party to celebrate my friend's 25th. a bunch of people who we haven't seen since high school are there, including friend's older sister. my best friend and i were chatting with her, when she looked at my best friend and said "what's your name? i don't think i remember you." my other friend popped off, "well, she did get bangs." my best friend has lost 27 lbs over the course of the last year, and doesn't really look like she did in high school. but no, sis didn't recognize her because of the bangs. not the weight loss.

surprisingly, sis wasn't the only one not to recognize my bff. i thought it was awesome. here is a girl who is at the skinniest she's ever been in her life, and people don't actually recognize her anymore. i hope that day comes for me. it would absolutely be liberating, and feel like i've really made a change in how i live my life.

shoes shoes shoes shoes shoes

i've noticed something lately: i've become the girl that wears heels with her jeans.

i was never the girl that wore heels with her jeans, let alone heels. in fact, i didn't even own a pair of pumps until i started actively job interviewing during my senior year of college. i was the girl with 2 pairs of shoes: flipflops and sneakers. that was it. and that worked for me. besides, heels weren't comfortable shoes, and believe me, life was all about comfort.

i've been working full time for three (gasp!) years now, and have slowly developed this love for heels, but really only over the last year. it started with that first pair of pumps in indiana, and then i found some other cute flippy shoes - though they were all still flats. then i came back to colorado and hit what can only be called my fashion low (well, in terms of work attire - i lie, all over). i was at my heaviest weight, and things didn't fit right. pants, shirts, shoes. flipflops were easier.

as i've lost weight, shopping has become enjoyable again. over the last year, i've bought myself a number of new pairs of shoes, and pretty much the only thing i wear to work is a heel. i have my awesome sparkly shoes, my new birthday sandals, my ankle boots, and my generic black pumps. if i had the money, i'd have a crazy assortment of shoes.

i'm not sure where this girl came from, but i like her. i think i'll keep her. and the shoes.

i did it!

well, it's official. i got my 75 lb magnet last night at meeting - holy moley! i've lost 75 lbs in just about 9 months. that's CRAZY!! i still have over 100 lbs to lose (to be at a healthy BMI), but it feels amazing to know that i've done this much, so a few more won't be that hard. :D

i've been getting some great compliments this past week, and it's nice to hear. one lady at our meeting last night said that she could see a tremendous change, just in the 5 weeks that she's been gone. that made me feel really great, mostly because i still don't see a lot of the change myself. there are little things - smaller pants, shirts that don't gap ridiculously, etc. - but i still have a hard time noticing how big the change really is. but i'm more than pleased, and happy to take the compliments. because maybe now, i can actually believe them. :)

just 4 days until my birthday!