ARGH!

that's all.

100 posts later

this is my 100th post on this blog - actually, it's one of the longer blogs i've ever kept adding too, even though i've had long quiet spells. i decided to look back a little, since i'm doing a yo-yo on the scale (or on a massive plateau - either way), and i'm having a really hard time figuring out where it is i want to be.

i started this blog on january 14, 2008. i had been on the WW program for 4 months. i had lost 40ish pounds. i was feeling successful, happy i had started, and healthier, even though it was only a short time i had been working the program.

that was 2 years, 2 months, and 2 weeks ago. in that time, i've removed 132 more pounds. 132 POUNDS. that is more than some people i know weigh right now. how amazing is that?!

i keep losing perspective on how far i've come and keep focusing on how much further i feel like i have to go. but the fact is that i've taken off an entire person - an entire MAN in some cases - in weight; i am super active - not a couch potato in any way; i'm healthier than i've ever been, in terms of blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar, as well in terms of athletic ability and fitness. i ran 3 miles this morning!

yet there is something - some little voice in my head that is telling me it's easier to be fat. to eat what i want and not feel judged. but i DON'T want to go back there - to the land where i couldn't go shopping with my friends, or wear cute clothes, or date, or buckle an airplane seatbelt. i don't want to! i love being thin. so what's the deal with my mental state?

i'm fairly certain i'm addicted to sugar. i'm fine until i have a little bit, and then it's a free-for-all. i've jumped into a sugar/fat daze 3 times this week, and frankly, it's making me feel like crap. my body is rejecting it - i have a terrible stomachache AGAIN - and yet, i keep doing it. the voice is saying that it'll pass and that it's worth it because it tastes soooooo good.

it's not worth it. it's not worth the humiliation, or the stomach pain, or the gained weight. it's not. enough giving myself slack, enough pretending like i've got this down. i've got issues with food, and i have to deal with them. or else i will gain back some of the weight i've lost - if not more. and frankly, i can't be 350 lbs again. i can't.

so what do i want? what am i able to do today that will help break my sugar free-for-all. first things first - no extra snacks. pay attention to hunger, and only eat when my tummy says that it's time for sustenance. stay out of the peanuts, the m&ms, the chocolate at grandma's. look at the tips i have learned, and the tips i deal out every day, and actually listen to my own advice.

i will not die without cake or ice cream. i will not die without a snack after lunch. i will die if i continue to eat sugar and fat like it's the only stuff on the planet.

today's goal: no extra snacks. stick to the plan i've laid out. pretend it's my very first day on weight watchers.

saturday

yesterday's little victory: i didn't overindulge when i got back to the office because i was so hungry after my doctor's appointment (for which i had to fast)

yesterday's whoops: insane TZ after got home from dinner. and didn't exactly stick to my plan at dinner.

great thing about today: i have points again. always a good thing. i'm eating out twice - once at applebee's and once at the sports column, so as long as i can manage those, i should be okay. we'll have to see how this goes - it could end up not being a great week at the scale because of my indulgences so far, but i have 5 days left to manage it.

off to restock my house with healthy choices!

friday!

well, here we are... on the precipice of another weekend. and this weekend i'm going to stick to my plan.

update on yesterday: went to grandma's, and the only folly i had was a couple handfuls of grapes, and a couple licks of frosting from the cake plate. but otherwise, stuck right to the plan. can't so much for when i got home, but i did kibosh the snacking before it got too out of hand.

today's challenge: other than a late breakfast, tonight's challenge will be pizza! we're having dinner at a great restaurant called Lala, and i'm super excited for some pizza. i can't eat a full pizza (they're 10 in pizzas), and the BF won't share, so i just have to make sure to box mine up when i've had my 2-3 slices. get it off the table so i won't pick at it. have a salad as a starter, and i shouldn't want any dessert. i've accounted for a glass of wine, and have a plan laid out to get all my GHGs in before i hit the restaurant.

i'm ready - only thing missing is a little exercise. if the rain/snow doesn't move in too quickly, we should be able to get in a quick walk before dinner - at least that's what i'm hoping! if not, there's always my gym time tomorrow.

the day after

oh man. i went to bed with a bellyache, and i am definitely paying for my overindulgences today. my tummy is gurgling, and i really just feel like my insides are in a big compactor. why on earth do i do this to myself? ugh.

on a good note, i got up and did an hour on the treadmill - 40 minutes running and 20 minutes walking. it was a lot of APs, and definitely helped kick my day off to a good start. plus, i'm tracked up for the day, and know if i have extra points to spend on snacks (i will NOT be snacking like yesterday, tyvm).

goal for today: not get overwhelmed by grandma's house - especially the chocolate. eat a nice dinner, go for a walk, and go home to go to bed. it's for the best, given the pain i have today from the chocolate consumption yesterday.

one day at a time.

blow up

yah. blew that good day right out of the water. i think i just ate my weight in tamales. and chocolate. but man, it was delicious.

i've gotta get better about listening to my body when it's full. i definitely overate at dinner, not to mention the little snack binge i went on before dinner. i was doing really well, but for some reason, after lunch, i got sidetracked and started some mindless snacking. not great. then i went to the grocery store for some things for dinner, and i bought cake while i was there. and ate the whole giant piece. especially the frosting. bad news.

well, tomorrow's a new day, and yes, weigh-in day. gotta face the bad choices i made today, and if that means i show a gain, it means i show a gain.

let's face it - i'm always going to have a love/hate relationship with food. learning to manage it is what i'm after, and while i'm trying, i can't be 100% perfect. if i can continue to learn more about me, and what triggers my snacks (boredom, loneliness - for the most part), and listen to my body when it says "hey, stop eating!" that's all i can really ask.

snow day!

well, i'm working at home today, so that will provide it's own set of challenges - and the ability to avoid a few things that usually are my downfall at the office. i did manage to avoid the m&ms and the peanuts yesterday - but did have some chocolate in the afternoon. i rearranged my plan a little, but i still enjoyed my soft tacos and some tortilla chips for dinner. it was a successful day, and i stuck to my plan.

other accomplishment for the day: leg pressing 230 lbs for 12 reps. that's the same that marko the new trainer can do. i think i made him feel bad. oh well - means he'll keep pushing me.

today's mini goal - to stick with the plan that i've laid out, even though i'm at home and have access to more food than i would if i packed my lunch. also, i need to get some exercise in - i think later in the day (after i've done most of my work for the day), i'll walk to safeway to pick up some more sour cream. it's only 6 blocks - should be an easy walk, even in the snow.

tuesdays that feel like mondays

i'm back to work after taking yesterday off, and that always throws my week out of whack. not that it's a huge deal - i'd rather be stuck a day behind and be surprised by the time we get to friday.

yesterday was a great back on track day - because dinner was pre-planned, i knew exactly how many points i could spend on lunch and on our tour of the coors brewery. i made a great decision on a sandwich (no chips or other sides), and had just one of my 3 free beers at the brew tour. i was able to stick to my plan, and even have some ice cream for dessert after dinner. i've got my plan laid out for today, including dinner out at a mexican restaurant, and i feel like i'm good to go. now to stay away from the chocolate and peanuts in the office!

yesterday's win: even though we had been walking around a lot of the day, i still went for a nice walk (about 20 min) before we had dinner. it wasn't the biggest AP day, but i did get in exercise, and that's what counts.

today's goal: stay out of the m&ms and peanuts, and stick to the plan i've laid out to be successful today.

snack attack

oh sundays. i was doing great all day - had made good choices, had lots of points set aside for dinner, and then bam! snack attack! it was the late night eating again - and i was hiding it. my friend is in town, and i even waited until she went to bed to start with my eating. really? bad habit!

but i know what my problem was - i felt the urge to snack setting in earlier in the day, and instead of consciously addressing it, i let it get the best of me. plus, i didn't set any small goals for yesterday. so, here we go.

saturday's success: only going into my WPA for dessert - otherwise, my dinner choice and my drinks were right inside my daily points. :)

sunday success: tracking up to the point of the snack, and getting some more things checked off my to-do list that have been put off lately.

today's small goal: to track every BLT, and to make good choices while out to lunch with my visiting friend.

back on track!

oh saturday

last night's party was a total success! it was actually more of a dinner party, and there was a really healthy selection of food - shrimp, bbq chicken sandwiches, crinkle-cut fries (just baked), strawberries, lettuce, and put it on yourself dressing (including oil and vinegar!). i was very pleased. i filled up on strawberries, shrimp, and salad, with a few fries and a little bit of the bbq chicken (no bun). i decided to split a piece of cake and some ice cream with adam, and it was a delicious cherry chocolate. it was well worth it - and while it was a bigger dinner than it would have been at home, i felt totally in control.

today's challenge: being sensible at the bar when we celebrate patty's birthday. i looked up the menu - a few things look good, but nothing that's saying "you must eat me..." i'll probably just stick with a salad there. have a couple beers, and call it good. the goal for tonight - watching the alcohol.

big win for today: according to 24-hour fitness, i'm now at 20.9% body fat and considered "athletic." i was just "fit" the last time we did measurements. but according to the measurements today, i'm golden! i think something was off (the scale - it was saying i was way down, which isn't quite right in my mind), but hey, i'll take it. :)

winning, in more ways than one

well, i did accomplish my mini goal for yesterday - with a slight modification. one of my co-workers decided to join me on my lunch walk, which was interesting. he doesn't realize that when i walk, i walk - not stroll. and i go for a half-hour. so we made it about 3/4 of a mile and he was like, okay, time to turn back. our walk took about 20 minutes. luckily, my mom wanted to go for a walk after dinner, so i got another 30 minutes in at that point. not a high AP day, but definitely better than nothing. and i stayed for getting started, which wasn't the great refresher i thought, but always good to look back at the basics of the program.

the scale was good to me, even though i didn't really deserve it. just going to keep on keeping on, and hopefully i won't see a backlash from my bad choices next week.

small win for today - i already got my workout in! even though i really didn't want to, i got up, got to the gym, and lifted weights and did a half hour of cardio. i'm set - and it feels good. plus, i'm pretty well tracked, and think i have a plan of attack for the party i'm going to tonight.

small goal today - be particularly choosy at the party i'm at tonight. decide what's worth the points, what's not, and limit my alcohol. i don't have a lot of DPs left for dinner (9), but i do have all my WPA. that will help!

mini goals - day one

i seem to be in a good headspace today. feeling like i've got a plan and a way to stick to it. i think the turnaround from yesterday's near-disaster helped center me - gotta figure out how to make it last...

maybe if i set little goals - things that for one day i'm going to particularly focus on - i will be better about making good choices and will see the scale drop. really, it's time to battle the mental beast - understand the reasoning behind my choices and figure out why i want to get to goal - and just work the program the way i know how - and in the right way, like a brand newbie.

today's mini goal: get in the 30-minute walk at lunch and stay for "getting started" after my meeting. hopefully there are some newbies, so i'm not the only one who wants to stay.

small wins - day one

last week, my leader challenged us all to make victory log - to celebrate our daily wins and to move past the negative thoughts. i blew it off. but given the thought from this morning that i'm the only one who's going to hold me accountable, the same goes with celebrating. i have to celebrate me and my work before anyone else will.

on that note... today's small win:
- i took what had started as a TZ day, laden with full-fat cheese and chocolate and ice cream (yes, ice cream) for breakfast, and turned it into a day where i actually ate less than my daily points (by 1), where i could have a beer at the hockey game, and not feel deprived or hungry.

tomorrow's a new day, and with weigh-in, a new week. if i'm lucky, i'll maintain. but if the scale jumps again, i can't be surprised or angry. but here's to starting over and taking it one day at a time.

emotional eating - am i using it as an excuse?

about 3 weeks ago, my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer. she's 80 years old, it's stage one, and frankly, it's still more likely that she'll die from the effects of 50+ years of smoking than the lump in her breast. and i know this. but today, something in my head triggered and said that all the bad choices, everything that has driven me off course in the last couple weeks is because i'm reacting to the news about my grandma.

am i really? or did my brain, which is trying to rationalize why i'm reverting to bad habits, just decide this was a good excuse? that it's just as good of a reason as any as to why i'm falling deeper and deeper into the twilight zone and can't seem to break the cycle?

i'm actively making bad choices. actively recognizing that i'm stopping at DQ twice in 2 weeks - something i haven't done in 2 years. actively realizing that the chocolate and cheese and ice cream and even the fruit that i'm overindulging on are not good choices. actively realizing that i'm eating beyond full, and continuing to eat. and i'm not stopping. at least 6 times in the last 2 weeks, i have fallen so far into the TZ that i've gone to bed with a stomachache and i couldn't track because i had no idea what i had eaten.

i'm exercising on a regular basis, and trying to call that my daily victory, but the fact is that i'm bored with that as well. i like my new workouts with marko, but still miss the conversation and time to reflect with milos. marko doesn't care about me or where i want to go - just about how strong i am and how much he can challenge me. i like the challenge - it keeps me going - but it's just not the same relationship that i had with milos.

the fact is that whatever excuse i want to label it - emotional eating, feeling trapped by the program and rebelling, boredom with the program, not having the motivation to get to "goal," not knowing what i want to feel like when i reach goal - they're still all excuses. no one else cares if i pig out on cake and chocolate and gain 20 lbs. no one else cares if i run 4 miles. i'm the only one who can hold myself accountable. i'm the only one who cares when i have a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad 4 months.

i have to make the decision -
- do i want to go back to where i was? no
- am i happy with the status quo? yes
- what do i have to do at least maintain where i am today? hold myself accountable. starting now.

bored

i've fallen into some pretty bad old habits the last couple weeks. i mean stopping at DQ for a blizzard bad habits. not stopping when i'm full bad habits. pretending like i've learned nothing in the last 2.5 years bad habits. it's frustrating, given that somewhere in my head, i believe that i really do want to get to goal, but frankly, i feel like i am fighting a losing mental battle. i've got this sense of entitlement - and boredom - that i am having a hard time combating.

while weekends haven't really been an issue before, now something in my head is saying, "hey, you've been great all week - why not an extra few points on the weekend?" or, even worse, the "you've already blown it today - just have a little more" voice. i've stuck to my diet all week - OF COURSE i can have some cake. and some ice cream. and not track it. i'm jealous of my skinny friends, eating what they want and knowing when to stop when they're full. i'm comfortable with my boyfriend who loves me just as i am - not because of the size my pants are or because i'm a certain weight. and i'm frustrated that i do so much to be healthy and he doesn't seem to care about what he does or how much he eats - and because he doesn't care what the scale says for him, he doesn't obsess over it like i do. i'm angry that i'm confined to a certain number of points a day and that i feel like it's actually impeding my life (finally). i'm angry that the food i love - the cheese and the bread and the sweets and the fried chicken - are high in fat and will always be my downfall.

i don't like to admit it, but i'm feeling bored with WW. the shiny glow has finally worn off after 2.5 years, and my honeymoon stage is officially over. you want to know the problem is? i don't know how being 150ish is going to be any different than being 170ish, and the motivation to get to 150 is gone. how is 20 more lbs really going to feel different?

i'm a visualizer, but i can't visualize how 150 is different from 170. is it really?