about 3 weeks ago, my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer. she's 80 years old, it's stage one, and frankly, it's still more likely that she'll die from the effects of 50+ years of smoking than the lump in her breast. and i know this. but today, something in my head triggered and said that all the bad choices, everything that has driven me off course in the last couple weeks is because i'm reacting to the news about my grandma.
am i really? or did my brain, which is trying to rationalize why i'm reverting to bad habits, just decide this was a good excuse? that it's just as good of a reason as any as to why i'm falling deeper and deeper into the twilight zone and can't seem to break the cycle?
i'm actively making bad choices. actively recognizing that i'm stopping at DQ twice in 2 weeks - something i haven't done in 2 years. actively realizing that the chocolate and cheese and ice cream and even the fruit that i'm overindulging on are not good choices. actively realizing that i'm eating beyond full, and continuing to eat. and i'm not stopping. at least 6 times in the last 2 weeks, i have fallen so far into the TZ that i've gone to bed with a stomachache and i couldn't track because i had no idea what i had eaten.
i'm exercising on a regular basis, and trying to call that my daily victory, but the fact is that i'm bored with that as well. i like my new workouts with marko, but still miss the conversation and time to reflect with milos. marko doesn't care about me or where i want to go - just about how strong i am and how much he can challenge me. i like the challenge - it keeps me going - but it's just not the same relationship that i had with milos.
the fact is that whatever excuse i want to label it - emotional eating, feeling trapped by the program and rebelling, boredom with the program, not having the motivation to get to "goal," not knowing what i want to feel like when i reach goal - they're still all excuses. no one else cares if i pig out on cake and chocolate and gain 20 lbs. no one else cares if i run 4 miles. i'm the only one who can hold myself accountable. i'm the only one who cares when i have a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad 4 months.
i have to make the decision -
- do i want to go back to where i was? no
- am i happy with the status quo? yes
- what do i have to do at least maintain where i am today? hold myself accountable. starting now.
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