100 posts later

this is my 100th post on this blog - actually, it's one of the longer blogs i've ever kept adding too, even though i've had long quiet spells. i decided to look back a little, since i'm doing a yo-yo on the scale (or on a massive plateau - either way), and i'm having a really hard time figuring out where it is i want to be.

i started this blog on january 14, 2008. i had been on the WW program for 4 months. i had lost 40ish pounds. i was feeling successful, happy i had started, and healthier, even though it was only a short time i had been working the program.

that was 2 years, 2 months, and 2 weeks ago. in that time, i've removed 132 more pounds. 132 POUNDS. that is more than some people i know weigh right now. how amazing is that?!

i keep losing perspective on how far i've come and keep focusing on how much further i feel like i have to go. but the fact is that i've taken off an entire person - an entire MAN in some cases - in weight; i am super active - not a couch potato in any way; i'm healthier than i've ever been, in terms of blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar, as well in terms of athletic ability and fitness. i ran 3 miles this morning!

yet there is something - some little voice in my head that is telling me it's easier to be fat. to eat what i want and not feel judged. but i DON'T want to go back there - to the land where i couldn't go shopping with my friends, or wear cute clothes, or date, or buckle an airplane seatbelt. i don't want to! i love being thin. so what's the deal with my mental state?

i'm fairly certain i'm addicted to sugar. i'm fine until i have a little bit, and then it's a free-for-all. i've jumped into a sugar/fat daze 3 times this week, and frankly, it's making me feel like crap. my body is rejecting it - i have a terrible stomachache AGAIN - and yet, i keep doing it. the voice is saying that it'll pass and that it's worth it because it tastes soooooo good.

it's not worth it. it's not worth the humiliation, or the stomach pain, or the gained weight. it's not. enough giving myself slack, enough pretending like i've got this down. i've got issues with food, and i have to deal with them. or else i will gain back some of the weight i've lost - if not more. and frankly, i can't be 350 lbs again. i can't.

so what do i want? what am i able to do today that will help break my sugar free-for-all. first things first - no extra snacks. pay attention to hunger, and only eat when my tummy says that it's time for sustenance. stay out of the peanuts, the m&ms, the chocolate at grandma's. look at the tips i have learned, and the tips i deal out every day, and actually listen to my own advice.

i will not die without cake or ice cream. i will not die without a snack after lunch. i will die if i continue to eat sugar and fat like it's the only stuff on the planet.

today's goal: no extra snacks. stick to the plan i've laid out. pretend it's my very first day on weight watchers.