trying to inspire, version 1

I live in a state of perpetual self-delusion. Instead of being the skinny girl constantly complaining of a phantom five pounds, I was the girl who slid on her size 28 jeans and saw a size 8 staring back in the mirror. Yes, my face was a little rounder than before. And yes, I was wearing the largest size that the plus-size store carries. But I was fine, right? Wrong. I was unhappy; I was just really good at convincing myself otherwise.

Due to what can only be called a lapse to reality, I agreed when my mom asked me to go with her to her Weight Watchers meeting. I didn’t know what I was in for, but I do know that reality hit hard when I stepped on the scale for the first time. The “Guess My Weight” game I had been playing in my head was finally given a concrete answer; all I could see was the 195-lb difference between what I weighed and what Weight Watchers said was a healthy BMI for my height. I didn’t cry; I was too shocked.

I’ve always thought that being “big” was in my genes. My parents have struggled with their weight most of their adult lives, so of course it wasn’t my fault. The trouble was, though, that it was my fault. I’m the one who went to college and chose the couch over the pool. I’m the one that drove across campus instead of walking. I’m the one who consciously ignored the fact that my pant size was climbing and I suddenly had to ask for a belt extender on an airplane. That number on the scale was no one’s fault by my own.

At first, the weight just fell off, which was more than encouraging. But after losing 50 pounds, I was ready to give up. The scale said the plan was working, but my self-delusion said I looked exactly the same. My mirror image didn’t realize that my energy was up, my clothes were too big, and I just felt better – so I pushed through the mental block. In just about 21 months, I’ve lost almost 150 pounds – by watching my portions, moving more, and sticking to the Weight Watchers guidelines. I may still live in a state of self-delusion, but this girl is now far closer to the size 8 in the mirror than ever before.