things i should have addressed yesterday

i consistently write notes on facebook that really have nothing to do with anything specific. sometimes they're about articles i've read, or events in my life, or just random thoughts that have bubbled forth into written form. yesterday i wrote an open letter to my "children," or rather my friends who are not being particularly friend-like as of late. this was all prompted because one of my closest friends canceled plans for the 2nd time in a week, and was putting her EX-boyfriend ahead of us (who, incidentally, dropped everything to take her to dinner on her birthday when the asshole broke up with 2 days prior). granted, there is a lot backstory here that i'm not going to share, but it came down to the fact that she was choosing he who broke her heart over they who helped fix it. anyway, this prompted a nice facebook note about being done - how it was time someone appreciated me and decided that i was most important. even though i wrote it out there, i guess i didn't realize how upset and hurt i really was. not until around 9 when i got around to tracking my dinner points.

my roommate and i made breakfast for dinner - pancakes and bacon and fruit. and i ate 6 slices of bacon (well, 12 half-slices, because i cook bacon only in halves) without even realizing it. i just ate. it was delicious and accessible and damn it, if she wasn't going to be there to eat, i was going to eat it for her just to prove to her that she missed a delicious meal.

one of the big things i've been trying to learn through WW is how to curb emotional and celebratory eating. we all do it. got a promotion - let's go out for a good dinner and drinks! bad day at work - bring on the chocolate and pint of ice cream. lonely - eat a bag of chips. everything is punctuated with food. i was trying to make myself feel better, and make my friend feel guilty (even though she didn't know i was eating the bacon), and i was going to do it with food.

i'm frustrated that i didn't recognize that i was emotionally eating. i need help working on recognizing it before it happens; or at least while it's happening so i can nip it in the bud. hindsight is 20/20, but how can i work on becoming a new me if i just fall into my old habits when i'm tired or upset or lonely? or even happy, for that matter?

and i thought taking compliments was hard

try being told that you basically look like crap. i've been dwelling on this comment from a co-worker for about 12 hours now, and i'm having a really hard time letting it go and moving on. situ: she and i were chatting, and i asked if she had any ideas for good hairstyles that might be a good fit for my face shape. her response: "why even bother with getting a style if you're just going to pull it back anyway?" granted, i wear my hair up a LOT, but mostly because it's thick and i don't have the patience to make it manageable. hence the reason i was soliciting ideas for a new hairstyle. she proceeded to make other comments that really just made me feel like she was telling me that i didn't do anything to make myself look good and that i look like crap. she's also made a lot of comments about my clothes being too big and baggy and how i should go buy new clothes.

i know. i've lost 60 fucking pounds. my clothes don't fit right any more. and if i weren't living paycheck to paycheck, maybe i'd have some money to go buy new clothes.

i'm so hurt and angry. and i don't know how to respond to her. except that i really just want to scream at the top of my lungs "FUCK YOU BITCH! I'VE LOST 60 FUCKING POUNDS, I LOOK A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN 6 MONTHS AGO, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? AT LEAST MY WARDROBE DOESN'T HAVE SHOULDER PADS AND LOOK LIKE IT HASN'T BEEN REPLACED SINCE 1988."

but that's not very professional or friendly, now is it?