oh wednesday

kind of an odd, rough day for my emotions. my bestie called me this morning with bad news - her grandpa passed away. i didn't know her when her grandma died, or if i did, we weren't besties yet and i don't remember it. but we were definitely besties when my grandma died when we were 19, and when my grandpa died in 2007. she was there, bringing me whatever i needed, even if it was just a hug. and i am having some severe guilt over the fact that i won't be able to do the same for her - not completely, at least.

i leave for texas for 5 days on friday. the funeral is likely to be saturday at this juncture, and i won't be here to go. yes, her boyfriend and our other friends will take care of her, but it's supposed to be my job. i'm her best friend - she was there for me, and i have to repay that. i know i can't control it, but i still feel guilty about not being in town.

on top of that, i'm discovering some awesome unresolved emotions about my grandma's death. next thursday marks the 7th anniversary of the day she died and my stable family life went boom. she was the first person whose death really and truly devastated me. though it didn't surface for about 18 months, her death sent me into a deep depression. like any good girl, i ate my way through my emotions, and probably gained the majority of my weight between 20 and 22. i saw a shrink for awhile, and was on anti-depressants, and while i get a little sad around the 4th of july, i pretty much thought i had this all behind me. but for some reason, today's news has rocked me to the core.

i'm not 100% sure what the emotions are - i'm feeling a little empty, a little guilty, a little sad. i miss my grandma more than anything in the world, and i know that my bff will miss her grandpa in the same way. they were extremely close, and i know she's unsure how this will knock her family around. how do i tell her that it'll be fine, when even 7 years later, i'm not really fine?