fighting with mom

over the last 3 years, my mom and i have really strengthened our relationship - we're very good friends, and i've enjoyed this change from parent/child to friendship very much. she's been my WW buddy since 9/2007, when i started this journey, and she reached her goal and lifetime late last year. our 3 years together have been fun - for the most part, it's just been the 2 of us. my dad has been working construction in the mountains, one brother was at war, and the other brother lived about an hour north of the city. we had monday night dinners together at grandma's, spent thursdays after our WW meetings chatting and catching up over dinner and a walk, and had time really to get to know one another.

since february, a lot has changed in our respective worlds. for my mom - my brother came home from war and was discharged from the army in early march. he moved back to denver, and promptly into my mom's house. he got engaged at the end of april, and suddenly, there's been a wedding to plan. in may, the other brother moved back home to save on expenses and be closer to his girlfriend. my dad's project ended in june, and suddenly, in a house that used to be my mom and her dog, there are 3 extra people and 2 dogs (there were 3 for a bit). in my life, work has been tremendously busy, i've taken on a much bigger role in my sorority alum club, and i've gotten pretty serious with my boyfriend. our thursday night dinners have transformed into family dinners, and we don't go for walks any more. we've had to switch meetings this summer so that we could play wiffleball, and aren't going to meetings together any more.

with the switch in our meetings, the lack of together time on our own, and the extra bodies that are ALWAYS around, our relationship has started to migrate back to that parent/kid feeling. maybe it's because my brothers are home and pretty much inept of caring for themselves, so it gets transferred to me. i don't know. we've started biting at each other - i've been reprimanded and been given the "mom" glare more times in the last 2 months than i have in 3 years. our conversations are brief and shallow.

i feel like i'm 16. i hate it. i miss my friend.

the to-do list

i am a list maker. and while my boyfriend makes fun of me for it, there is a fair chance that this is the reason why i've been so off-kilter as of late. my work to-do list has been minimal, but the minute work picked back up, i made a list. when i traveled, i made lists for packing. why haven't i been keeping up with my lists for my regular life?

i always thought that tracking came easily because i was list-driven person. and i think that's true. the act of tracking, while not always convenient, is not hard for me. i make a list of what i've eaten. i check off my good health guidelines. i make sure i'm getting things done. my lack of tracking, along with my lack of list-making, has been one of my more serious off-plan decisions, and probably the leading cause of why i've gained so much weight in the last month, 6 months. and why i've had trouble losing - because i'm not getting things done.

my stress level decreased ten-fold when i made my to-do list for my life. even though it's super long and has a lot of silly things on it, at least it's made. i know what needs to get done.

time to make my "list" for weight loss. as in setting a goal for our summer camp challenge. as in checking off my GHGs every day. as in writing down every single BLT that i take. lists make me feel like i'm in control. and control is the one thing i could really use right this instant.

this blogger's vacation observations

1. i have my mother's hands. not literally - they're still attached to her, thankfully. but at one point during my flight to chicago, i moved my hand a certain way and i was struck by how much my hands are similar to my mother's. they're not cute - i have knobbly knuckles, and the tips all sort of curve in toward my middle finger.

2. drivers in chicago are rude. i don't care if you drive this road every day; it doesn't give you reign to be an ass when i'm trying to merge.

3. whoever designed the merge lanes on the kennedy expressway should be taken out and shot for his poor design skills. seriously.

4. libertyville, il wins the award for friendliness. when i usually run, people avoid eye contact. not in libertyville. every single person i passed said hi or did the acknowledging head nod or wave. one guy gave me a thumbs-up, and another said "good job! keep up the hard work!"

5. madison, wi is totally worth the trip, at least in the warm months. 2 beautiful lakes, lots of parks and open space, nice hiking not far from town, and all the quirks of a mid-sized city. it's like denver without the tall downtown high-rises or the sprawling metropolitan area.

6. tollroads on the interstate are a pain in the ass. please post cash rates well in advance of the toll, so i'm not wasting your time trying to scramble for change at the last second and holding up the flow of traffic.

7. the american league sucks. pitchers should hit. that's all there is to that.

8. coors field remains my #1 stadium of choice. particularly because the beer, while still expensive, is at least $1 cheaper than anywhere else in the country.

9. the TSA should do a better job of separating family travelers, casual travelers, and expert travelers. especially at DIA. because really, i'm tired of getting stuck behind a family of 12 who have never been on a plane before.

10. i prefer window over aisle seating - there is better head-resting space for this chronic airplane sleeper.

11. i don't miss the midwest. not even a little.

sunrise runs

for the record, i do not enjoy running. i tolerate it, as i actually feel like i've done something worthy of being called "exercise" when i'm done. but there are days that i think a run through the quiet denver streets at 5 am might be enough to make me a true running convert.

with the continued onset of summer, the days are getting longer in the mile high city. the sun is resting its head for the day just after 8 pm mst, and what used to be a pitch dark morning sky now has a glimmer of the impending day when i slide on my shoes and unravel my ipod cord. i tend to run through the neighborhood toward downtown, so that i can run on the even pavement of the street without having to play dodgecar or "will tanya break an ankle on the 'historic' denver sidewalk?" given that i live to the northwest of downtown proper, by the time i reach the best spot to look out over the cityscape, the sun has just broken the skyline and the city that i love so much is bathed in this incredible golden pink hue. that moment makes me fall in love just a little bit more, and for 5 seconds, i forget that i'm sucking wind, my calves hurt, and that i'm basically torturing myself.

this morning was particularly grand. after weeks of rain/snow and cold, un-springlike temps, it was 65 when the alarm punched me in the head at 4:45 am. i ran in shorts. my light sweatshirt was totally unnecessary. and for the first time since i started running (which was september/october of last year), walking outside at that godawful hour of the day wasn't so painful. the weather, the clear sky - today, the cityscape looked as it only usually does in photographs. clean. a little sleepy but with the hint of a boiling life underneath. perfect.

i don't like running. but it sets my day off on the right foot. i always feel like i can conquer anything after a good run. i feel better physically and emotionally, and that means i want to make better choices. and when set with a picture-perfect backdrop like i saw today, i almost enjoy the torture. almost.

5 days and counting

well, this is the first time in a long time that i feel like i've strung together more than 3 days of success. it's friday, and i've been pretty well OP since i reset on monday. i did fall down a little last night - letting the late night boredom monster take hold, and i spent 6 extra points on nothing in particular. i did stop myself and went to bed, so it was less than it could have been, but still not great. now comes the interesting part - making it through the weekend. i've got a jam-packed social schedule, which is nice, but means lots of potential trip-ups in the form of parties, beer, and appetizers. i'm armed with the majority of my WPA and a fair number of APs, though, and as long as i go in with resolve (and don't get accidentally drunk), i'll be just fine.

i peeked at the scale yesterday, and things are moving the right way. i like to see that, and i'm hoping that by the time we get to monday, even more will be gone. here's to continuing success, and for getting to goal this year.

searching for inspiration

my rut has hit a new low. or rather, a new high. i weighed in today. up 5.6. which puts me closer to 185 than 180, and explains the tight pants this morning. and i know exactly the issue - i just keep repeating history. the same cycle i've been on for 6+ months, and unfortunately, my not caring is getting harder to fight with every passing week. when don't even feel guilty about the bad decisions, not even a little, and when your brand new pants are tight, something's gotta give.

i feel like i've tried everything in my arsenal, and i'm just not motivated to stop the negative cycle. i feel like i'm hitting 'reset' far too often, and yet, not changing anything. i need something different. some new perspective. maybe a few weeks where i'm not a weight loss celebrity, but rather just another person who's trying to lose weight. so today, after a day of grazing on junk food yesterday, i decided it really and truly needs to be a fresh start monday. and i hate to say it, but i'm cheating on my weight watchers leader and meeting.

i'm not leaving my current meeting, but i'm not getting what i need out of it any more. i love my leader, but she's not helping any more. so i feel like i could really use a new opinion, a new voice in my head, a new thought leader. maybe someone with a little more experience who doesn't just want to be my friend. so for the next couple weeks, i'm going to go on mondays at lunch to a meeting out in the ranch. it's a little far, but it's the closest to work. and maybe the new leader and the new crew with new perspective will help me break my funk. or at least get back to the path i'd like to be following.

today's meeting was good. small, but talkative. definitely helpful. and the leader was good. thoughtful, and she just said what was on her mind. i stayed to talk to her, and she said that i need to go see my dr and talk about goal weight. set it, and then at least it'll be concrete - not just some nebulous number that i chose because it was in between where WW says i'm healthy. that should help with having something concrete to work toward. and maybe then, i can set up my rewards, figure out what my big reward will be, and make some progress in the right direction.

to do:
- get a dr's appt asap
- focus on filling foods and tracking this week - tory asked to see my tracker next monday
- make my pants fit better
- remember there are things in my life that i cannot control, like:

• patty and nick's decision to get married, their wedding planning, or their inability to communicate
• the weather
• how slow it is at work right now - or how busy it gets
• how busy my friends are that it's practically impossible to spend time together
• what grandma cooks for dinner, or how she chooses to push it at people

- remember that i have the power to manage, like:

• emotional eating - especially boredom, loneliness, and frustration
• food pushing, "love by food," and sabotage, both internal and external
• my tracking and my snacking

okay. let's see what i can do. here's hoping the new leader's perspective can be the change i've been after for 6 months.

dear tanya,

okay, seriously, wtf, kid? i'm not going to beat up on you - because i know that's all you did yesterday - but you need a swift kick. going all "self-destruct" doesn't help anyone, especially not yourself. so you had a bad few days. and a bad few months. you can do this.

being angry or frustrated about other people's eating habits/abilities does not help you. you cannot police others choices, especially because you'd be angry if they were policing you. your issues are with food - dealing with emotions, overeating, etc. - and there's no saying what another person's issue may be. do not get angry because you can't eat like they do. you can eat like they do, but you have to be more cognizant. yes, you think it's unfair - but think about people who can't do all the stuff you can do. what's more unfair? the fact that you can't eat a whole pizza, or the fact that you can walk?

you've come so far. and look at what you can say you've accomplished, that isn't tied to a number on a scale. you can run, climb stairs, shop with your friends, date a wonderful man, fit into stadium seats, and look cute in pretty much anything. so what gives? you don't want to go back - you know what kind of hell that was. you know you don't want to go back. but when you sneak food, or you eat until you're well past full, or you eat when you're not hungry, you set yourself up to go back.

you must take it one day at a time. food will be there tomorrow. it will always be there tomorrow. punishing yourself with food is not healthy, and you have the willpower to stop after one cookie. make the decision to utilize it. you are smart and beautiful and kind. and you need to recognize that in yourself - not just wait for someone else to tell you.

love,
tanya

5 things I can do to be successful

today's challenge - 5 things i commit to doing to be successful
1. plan ahead for the birthday crazy that is tomorrow and saturday.
2. get in gym time/workout every day, including sunday when i won't be feeling it.
3. WIBIBI - so that maybe i can stay out of the TZ and OP (essential, since i lose a DP with my birthday - boo)
4. take the time to write in my 2nd journal before bed, as that has been a good stabilizer
5. find one thing to celebrate every day.

for the record, the thing i'd like to celebrate is that i talked myself into the gym even when i really really wasn't feeling it, and that i stayed on plan. plus, i've got a plan for tomorrow.

i forgive you

we've been talking about releasing some of the pent up emotion in my WW chat group, and forgiveness is more for us than it is for the other person. everyone else did a great, heartfelt post, and like many other things in my WW life right now, i totally blew it off. but you know what? i think i need to put some time into this.

i forgive you, grandparents, for not teaching my parents healthy eating habits that they could pass down to me.

i forgive you, papa, for giving my mom a complex about weight and food that she passed to me, and for constantly harping on me, as a small child, about my weight without offering a healthy role model.

i forgive you, grandma, for showing your love through food, just as your mom did. and i forgive you for letting me eat all the cookies, candy, and junk i wanted, just so you and i could be friends.

i forgive you, mom and dad, for not taking control of your own lives earlier to provide me with a healthy living base on which to grow my own habits. i forgive the encouragement to "eat because you're a growing kid." i forgive your looking away when i'd eat a whole pizza as a teenager. i forgive the ice cream treat before bed mentality that you've instilled in me.

i forgive you, BFFs, for not realizing that your "skinny" eating habits don't apply to me - that i don't stop eating when i'm full, that i can't resist sweets, and that fries covered in cheese do not count as a vegetable and a milk. i also forgive you for being my eating partners and encouraging bad choices, whether you do it with cognizance or not.

i forgive you, brothers, for all the times you called me fat. you knew that it was the best way to cut me, and i forgive you for every time you used it to hurt me.

i forgive you, anyone who made comments under their breath, or out in the open, about my weight. you may have done it to be mean or spiteful, but i could have listened with more concern.

i forgive you, JR, for your jealousy and deliberate food pushing and sabotage. i know you love me at heart, but are reacting because you're ultimately displeased with your own weight issues.

i forgive you, Tanya, for not trying harder when you were younger, for not taking your life into your hands, even when you saw it spinning out of control, and half-assed it without asking for help. i forgive your ignorance and just plain ignoring of a bad situation. i forgive all the late night whole pizzas, the half-gallons of ice cream, and the cookies by the dozen. i forgive the size 28 jeans that you ballooned to, and the laziness that preceded and followed. i forgive the lack of will power when it comes to sweets, and the "need" you have for a snack before bed.

i still forgive you, Tanya, for all the bad choices you've made since november. for years you've said that you can't make someone change until they're ready. and you have to be ready, mentally and physically, to take on these last 20-30 lbs to goal. so take it one day at a time - work the plan the way you know how, and do whatever you can to make good choices. when you're ready for this last bit of weight to come off, you have all the tools in your head and at your fingertips. you just can't change until you're ready.

CUPCAKES!

i just need to throw a little love out for cupcakes. i want some for my birthday treat. nothing beats a single-serving size of cake and frosting. except 2. ;)

also, i just found out that my brother proposed to his girlfriend. i love them both, but am in a little bit of shock. definitely did not expect this news today.

5k crazy.

Hm. It may be time to admit that I am an addict. A 5k/10k addict. Or a t-shirt addict. Either way, it's costing me a fair amount of money.

Let's talk about what I've registered for so far this season:
May 1st - Walk MS 5k walk/run (I get a travel mug)
May 2nd - Colorado Rockies Home Run for the Homeless 5k (I get a t-shirt and 2 free Rockies tickets)
May 8th - Columbine HS Run for Remembrance 5k (I get a t-shirt)
May 31st - BolderBOULDER 10k (I get a t-shirt)

And that's just the beginning! I've got Race for the Cure and Memory Walk in October, plus Fans on the Field 10k in September. Not to mention whatever else comes up. I've even looked up a 5k for while I'm in Madison on 6/6 (but have not registered - and probably won't).

I've got a problem.

make it a good day

mike the replacement trainer has me stressed out. he switched up the schedule, and really, he's just pissing me off. 24 Hour Fitness in general pisses me off with the way they treat their trainers, and how their trainers pass that service on down to their clients. i know i'm not your regular client, but seriously. open up a few more slots so that i can actually get in a workout that doesn't occur in the middle of the fucking day. bah. enough. reliving the anger does not help me get over it. it's over. i'll deal with the 3 weeks that marko is gone, and just go back to the ridiculous schedule i have with him. at least i know when i'll see him.

i need to make it a good day today. i need to find other outlets for my anger/frustration/emotion than food - which i thought i was doing, but apparently didn't, as i got home from the game and proceeded to eat my way through my house until well after midnight. i broke my "no food in bed" rule, ate while reading, and generally just ate like i'll never see food again. i'm disappointed in myself, but have the evidence that when i do this the right way, i can still lose a fair amount of weight.

GAH! more trainer drama

I hate drama. I really do. And frankly, having a trainer for the last 3 months has been more drama than it's fucking worth.

Milos took a new job out of necessity in February. He hates it. And I hate not working out with him. He assigned me to Marko, who I've grown accustomed to, even though I'm not a huge fan of his personality. His workouts are hard, though, and I do like that. His schedule is really inflexible, though, which is good for the planner in me (my appointments are always at the same time), but not great for the summer, when I know there will be other things that I want to do on weeknights (read: baseball games happen on Tuesday nights). But no matter the inflexibility, I've adjusted my life to make it work.

And then Marko went on vacation for 3 weeks. And assigned me to Mike.

Mike thinks he's Jillian Michaels. Or Bob Greene. Either way, he's a meathead, and his whole life revolves around the gym. His schedule is even worse than Marko's. His "free" days don't align with mine - at all - and he doesn't come to work before 11 AM on Saturdays. Which means that I get to work out at 2 o'clock in the fucking afternoon the next 2 Saturdays. It ruins my Saturday - or at least the flow of my Saturday. I get to shower at 4 PM. Yay. Gah. I'm so pissed.

This isn't worth my fucking money. I hate you, 24 Hour Fitness. I don't think I'll be reupping my contract in 15 sessions. Thanks for trying to upsell me, though.

cupcakes

there are 2 cupcakes sitting on the table in our office kitchen. there is also one slice of DQ ice cream cake left in the freezer. i want them so badly - still feeling like i'm in sugar rush central, after some of the treats from the weekend - but i know they're not worth it.

went on a mental break this weekend, and i know it's going to hurt my WI again. serious self-sabotage - i have a great week, and follow it up with a weekend where i pretend like i'm never going to eat again. wow, tanya. just wow.

oh, and...

i just learned about this: http://ow.ly/1CcDI

yes. a cupcake truck. this could be my demise. ;)

FINALLY!

i lost 4.8 lbs last week. you read that right. 4.8. as in almost 5. as in if i could have peed out just a little more, i would have lost 5 lbs over the course of last week. yah, i know. inappropriately graphic. but seriously - i practically did a happy dance off the scale!

okay - so i got rid of the big weight gain from a couple weeks ago. but now comes the challenge - really and truly getting off this plateau. i'm back to the weight i've been stagnant at since around november. i've seen 171 - just 3 more pounds from where i am now - so i know i can get there. i have to keep up what worked this week, focus on filling foods and identifying hunger vs. emotion, and using my 2nd journal. oh, and i have to keep up the exercise - luckily, i've got 2 stays in place that really help with that - my WW buddy kristen on monday and thursday mornings, plus my trainer on tuesdays and saturdays. that makes all the difference in the world!

changing perspective

it's been a rough few months for this girl. and while i've come up with a 100 excuses and reasons why this or that is making a negative impact on my weight loss, it's all really come down to the fact that i've let other things take control and not said no. i've made bad food choices - eating too much and neglecting my self-control - and it shows on the scale. since jan 1, i've gained roughly 9 lbs. my bff says that it's "my new relationship," but i heartily argue against that. if it's anything, it's the stress of work and not really being happy in what i do there. i've let the stress control my choices, instead of taking the less traveled road. that's all there is.

i'm trying something new - writing down every day little things that are happening with work, etc., as a 2nd way of journaling. this blog helps, but it's hard for me to do in 5 minutes every day. if i carry it with me, i can see what every day was like, and better evaluate the days that i seem to go off the deep end. what happened that day, what event, etc., that might have triggered a bad choice. this should help me better monitor my emotions, and hopefully figure out new ways to deal with them. we'll see if it helps. so far this week, it seems to be doing the trick.

WI again

well last week wasn't bad, but looking at the scale this week, it's going to be a bad one. 3 weeks of bad choices have caught up with me. luckily, i'm having a pretty good week. i've tried to cut down on a lot of my snack habits, and have limited myself to one sweet treat per meal (or no more than 3 per day). that has definitely helped, and i'm finally feeling a little more in control. i don't know what my issue has been, but i need to face it. because frankly, i haven't lost weight in 5 months. and i'm tired of being stagnant. time for this last bit of weight to go.

weigh-in day

it's weigh in day. i'm not looking forward to it. i'm pretty sure i blew myself out of the water again. time will tell, i guess.

ARGH!

that's all.