i forgive you

we've been talking about releasing some of the pent up emotion in my WW chat group, and forgiveness is more for us than it is for the other person. everyone else did a great, heartfelt post, and like many other things in my WW life right now, i totally blew it off. but you know what? i think i need to put some time into this.

i forgive you, grandparents, for not teaching my parents healthy eating habits that they could pass down to me.

i forgive you, papa, for giving my mom a complex about weight and food that she passed to me, and for constantly harping on me, as a small child, about my weight without offering a healthy role model.

i forgive you, grandma, for showing your love through food, just as your mom did. and i forgive you for letting me eat all the cookies, candy, and junk i wanted, just so you and i could be friends.

i forgive you, mom and dad, for not taking control of your own lives earlier to provide me with a healthy living base on which to grow my own habits. i forgive the encouragement to "eat because you're a growing kid." i forgive your looking away when i'd eat a whole pizza as a teenager. i forgive the ice cream treat before bed mentality that you've instilled in me.

i forgive you, BFFs, for not realizing that your "skinny" eating habits don't apply to me - that i don't stop eating when i'm full, that i can't resist sweets, and that fries covered in cheese do not count as a vegetable and a milk. i also forgive you for being my eating partners and encouraging bad choices, whether you do it with cognizance or not.

i forgive you, brothers, for all the times you called me fat. you knew that it was the best way to cut me, and i forgive you for every time you used it to hurt me.

i forgive you, anyone who made comments under their breath, or out in the open, about my weight. you may have done it to be mean or spiteful, but i could have listened with more concern.

i forgive you, JR, for your jealousy and deliberate food pushing and sabotage. i know you love me at heart, but are reacting because you're ultimately displeased with your own weight issues.

i forgive you, Tanya, for not trying harder when you were younger, for not taking your life into your hands, even when you saw it spinning out of control, and half-assed it without asking for help. i forgive your ignorance and just plain ignoring of a bad situation. i forgive all the late night whole pizzas, the half-gallons of ice cream, and the cookies by the dozen. i forgive the size 28 jeans that you ballooned to, and the laziness that preceded and followed. i forgive the lack of will power when it comes to sweets, and the "need" you have for a snack before bed.

i still forgive you, Tanya, for all the bad choices you've made since november. for years you've said that you can't make someone change until they're ready. and you have to be ready, mentally and physically, to take on these last 20-30 lbs to goal. so take it one day at a time - work the plan the way you know how, and do whatever you can to make good choices. when you're ready for this last bit of weight to come off, you have all the tools in your head and at your fingertips. you just can't change until you're ready.