searching for inspiration

my rut has hit a new low. or rather, a new high. i weighed in today. up 5.6. which puts me closer to 185 than 180, and explains the tight pants this morning. and i know exactly the issue - i just keep repeating history. the same cycle i've been on for 6+ months, and unfortunately, my not caring is getting harder to fight with every passing week. when don't even feel guilty about the bad decisions, not even a little, and when your brand new pants are tight, something's gotta give.

i feel like i've tried everything in my arsenal, and i'm just not motivated to stop the negative cycle. i feel like i'm hitting 'reset' far too often, and yet, not changing anything. i need something different. some new perspective. maybe a few weeks where i'm not a weight loss celebrity, but rather just another person who's trying to lose weight. so today, after a day of grazing on junk food yesterday, i decided it really and truly needs to be a fresh start monday. and i hate to say it, but i'm cheating on my weight watchers leader and meeting.

i'm not leaving my current meeting, but i'm not getting what i need out of it any more. i love my leader, but she's not helping any more. so i feel like i could really use a new opinion, a new voice in my head, a new thought leader. maybe someone with a little more experience who doesn't just want to be my friend. so for the next couple weeks, i'm going to go on mondays at lunch to a meeting out in the ranch. it's a little far, but it's the closest to work. and maybe the new leader and the new crew with new perspective will help me break my funk. or at least get back to the path i'd like to be following.

today's meeting was good. small, but talkative. definitely helpful. and the leader was good. thoughtful, and she just said what was on her mind. i stayed to talk to her, and she said that i need to go see my dr and talk about goal weight. set it, and then at least it'll be concrete - not just some nebulous number that i chose because it was in between where WW says i'm healthy. that should help with having something concrete to work toward. and maybe then, i can set up my rewards, figure out what my big reward will be, and make some progress in the right direction.

to do:
- get a dr's appt asap
- focus on filling foods and tracking this week - tory asked to see my tracker next monday
- make my pants fit better
- remember there are things in my life that i cannot control, like:

• patty and nick's decision to get married, their wedding planning, or their inability to communicate
• the weather
• how slow it is at work right now - or how busy it gets
• how busy my friends are that it's practically impossible to spend time together
• what grandma cooks for dinner, or how she chooses to push it at people

- remember that i have the power to manage, like:

• emotional eating - especially boredom, loneliness, and frustration
• food pushing, "love by food," and sabotage, both internal and external
• my tracking and my snacking

okay. let's see what i can do. here's hoping the new leader's perspective can be the change i've been after for 6 months.