attack of the cookie monster

i ate a half-batch of cookies last night.

there. i said it. i was left alone with a bag of homemade oatmeal-raisin bites, and i ate every last crumb. and they were delicious. it won't help in my quest to lose weight this week - i will likely see another gain this week. at least i know this one is coming.

i'm having a hard time figuring out what my story is. what used to be easy and rote is now a battle with my mind every day. i feel like i have control, and then something triggers and BAM! i'm face-down in a pile of cookie crumbs.

i don't feel guilty about my cookie trip. which i think i ought to, but just feel like, oops, it happened again. i've got to buckle down - figure out why exactly i can't seem to get past this 175 mark.

something's gotta give

yesterday was the final crack in this humpty dumpty, and after all the pieces fell apart, i'm starting to pick them back up, one by one. it was a long day at the office, and i stepped on the scale and it said i had gained 2 lbs. i was so sad and frustrated - this was the week that i did everything right on plan. i tracked, i planned, i exercised - i worked the plan and the plan failed. and of course, this was our motivation meeting, and i was not drinking the kool-aid last night. my leader, michelle, says that it's cortisol from the work stress. she's right. but there's nothing - nothing in that little book or any of the meeting tips - that can fix it when you're doing it all right and the scale fails. so my quandry, and the basis for my 30-45 minutes of sobbing during and after the meeting, is that i don't know how to fix this - and the one thing that i felt i had control over this week, the one thing that i thought might give me a break, was the one thing that finally just crushed my soul. or was maybe just the pinprick that released all the pent-up frustration, let me cry it all out, and will now let me move on. and maybe get rid of the same 5 lbs i've been toying with for 2 months.

nothing drastic happened, other than the sobbing and mild cursing post-meeting. i had dinner with my mom; vented about work and why the scale bothered me so much, and basically decided to fake it until something finally gives. went home, made my lunch, planned out my day for today, and went to bed. got up this morning - forced myself out of bed for a run - and now i'm back at work. my outlook is improved, though i'm nowhere near fixed. i'll get there - i go through this cycle at least once a year - so don't be too worried about me.

3 positives:
1. i started my day with some exercise - got the endorphines flowing and added some APs to my week.
2. i have tracked all the way through dinner now, and i've already got my GHGs handled for today.
3. i'm planning ahead for the weekend - trying not to use any WPs before the big sunday game!

they say the last 20 are the hardest to lose

god, you have no idea.

my Member Success story for the gym

I first walked through the doors at 24-Hour Fitness having lost 150 lbs. with walking as my only form of exercise. I was terrified of the gym, not really knowing what to expect and under the impression that I’d be the most out-of-shape person in the room. But I sucked it up, joined in late May 2009, and bought three sessions with a personal trainer so that I could start some sort of strength training routine. I had no intention of buying more than those initial three sessions, but here I am, eight months later, working out with Milos at least twice a week.

Working out with a personal trainer has changed my perspective on exercise completely. In Milos, I have a partner who pushes me to go beyond what I think I can do without intimidation or insult. Showing him that I can do whatever he challenges me to pushes me to get to the gym even when we don’t have scheduled sessions. And the whole “I have to pay for it if I don’t show up” gets me there when I’d rather stay in bed. When I’ve had a long day at the office, I know that a trip to the gym calms my frustrations and pumps up my energy level, and is an emotional outlet that is not food-related. In 8 months, I’ve lost about 30 lbs., 10% body fat, and more inches than I could have ever imagined with the help of Milos and 24-Hour Fitness. Watch for me – I’m not giving up my membership any time soon.

some things never change

i love going back and looking at my old posts. and then laughing because some things never change. the last time i posted, i was in the middle of a food frenzy, prior to the holidays even setting in. now i'm here, on the other side of the holidays, and feeling like i'm in exactly the same place i was 6 weeks ago. except about 5 lbs lighter. and i'm not complaining about that.

i went berserk with the food consumption again last night. can't pinpoint a trigger, but do know that i was craving something. i couldn't put my finger on what exactly it was, so i started with a bit of ice cream, and ended up with cereal, cookies, cheese, and countless other things. feeling guilty, i did my best to track what i ate, but i'm sure i missed things. i'm through my WPA, and into my APs for the week, so i have to be good. i'm on plan for today - i have to resist the chocolate at grandma's for dinner. and stay out of the kitchen when i get home.

i have a weird new mindset that's popped up - basically, i feel like if i've earned APs in a day, i'm justified in going over my daily allotment. while this is okay, and almost actively encouraged by WW, this is not an okay justification for my binging. especially because i'm almost always NOT hungry. i'm eating to eat - and frankly, that's what got me in trouble in the first place!

seems like i've reached a place where it's time to start really delving into the psychology behind my eating, especially my snacking. eating to live is one thing, and enjoying a snack or two isn't a problem. but it's time to find something to do other than eat when i'm watching TV. some high quality self-monitoring needs to happen!

frustration

as i pointed out on sunday, i have eaten my way through the greater Denver area this last week. basically, if it wasn't mooing, it went in my mouth. and for whatever reason, it's becoming a trend, not a one-time occurrence. i have consistently eaten over my daily point allowance for at least 3 weeks running. though some days it's only 1 point over, i'm still dipping in. though i'm earning 3-5 APs a day, and have averaged 27/week for the last 4 weeks. i'm supposed to be able to eat my APs, and my WPA, and still lose weight. but i'm gaining. or maintaining. and it's really getting frustrating. or maybe i'm just crazy. i don't know anymore.

pointsapalooza

no wonder i keep gaining weight. or staying the same. i am not focused, and for whatever reason, have had a really hard time sticking to my guns and away from the snacks. i haven't had this problem until recently, and getting mad at myself on the scale isn't motivating me to get back on track. the week starts out great, but by the weekend, i'm over it. just blase about the whole system. i don't know if i'm bored - or just PMSing - or just in a funk, but i really need to get over it. going up on the scale does not help with the whole "getting to goal" thing.

i know i'm comfortable where i am. my clothes fit great, i'm getting attention, and people actually comment that they can't see how i'd have more to lose. while this is not unwelcome, it's not motivating me to keep pushing forward. i've watched my mom celebrate her goal, and making lifetime, and i want to be there. how badly, though?

hm.

i'm not excited to step on the scale tonight. the scale at the gym is indicating another gain this week, and i totally don't get it. i've tracked to the best of my ability; yes, i've eaten out, but i've made good choices. i haven't weighed and measured everything, but i've done really well sticking to the plan. after my gain last week (up a pound), i want to see a loss before i hit the road tonight. i'm hoping that the gym scales are just off, and my shoes weigh more than i think they do.

we'll see what happens.

my scale is broken

i have a bad habit of weighing myself before i go to my weekly meeting. i don't know why, but it helps me deal with whatever the "real" outcome is when i step on the scale at WW. i can brace myself for a gain, or gauge what my loss is going to look like. and for the last couple weeks, my scale has been unresponsive when i step on it (it's digital). the battery's obviously dead, and i haven't taken the time to replace it, but i feel like i'm floundering without the ability to weigh myself.

isn't that silly? we spend so much time at WW talking about how the number on the scale is just a number and we shouldn't let us define us. yet, even after 2 years, i depend on my little scale at home for some extra reinforcement that i'm on the right path. or to serve as the knife in the heart so that i don't get extra emotional on the scale at the meeting. stress weighs more, you know.

even as i sit here writing this, i have to laugh. i'm so not defined by the number of my weight - i could actually care less if i go up or down every week - but i'm feeling lost without my scale. i never have been a big fan of a surprise - i always went searching for my christmas gifts in advance - maybe that quick step on the scale to see where things will land is just one more defense mechanism against the surprise attack.

oh fuck.

oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.

yah. awesome. great.

how the hell do i end up getting put in charge of things?

how to avoid getting comfortable

i'm out of motivation. external motivation, that is. my internal stuff is still there - but mostly because after 2 years, it's weird when i don't track, or don't get some kind of exercise, or eat things that are ridiculously bad for me. i'm just feeling like i'm out of reasons to keep going on the last 36 lbs that i want to lose. my leader, michelle, calls this more of an attitude plateau than anything, and i know i'll get over it (i have in the past), but i'm just feeling like i'm getting too comfortable with where i am right now.

since i don't have any big events - no friends getting married, no vacations, no reunions or people to impress - i need to figure out a way to re-energize my weight loss. the only way i can think to keep this going is to set a new goal - a big goal - and work toward that.

when the clock strikes midnight on december 31, 2009, where do i want to be, weight-wise? let's look at the year so far. as of today, i have lost 42 lbs in 2009. in the last 12 months, i have lost 63 lbs. that means between august 24 and december 31 in 2008, i lost 21 lbs. is that a feasible goal for the last 16 weeks of 2009? if i continue to lose at the rate i've lost so far this year, an average of 1.3 lbs per week, yes, that is exactly how much i should lose between now and then. is it feasible for me to hit my goal weight this year? that's an average of 2.25 lbs/week - too much, i think. i'm not supposed to lose more than 1% of my body weight a week to stay in a "healthy loss." right now, that's 1.8 lbs/week.

my average loss per week for the entire 2 years i've been on WW has been 1.6 lbs/week. i'm going to shoot for that - it puts me at roughly 26 lbs by the end of the year. is it too much? ask me in 16 weeks? so there it is. i want to be within 10 lbs of goal by the end of the year - 161 lbs.

life 2 years later

in roughly 2 weeks, i celebrate my 2-year anniversary as a WW member. it has been the craziest, longest, most exhausting, and most rewarding 2 years of my life. in addition to the friends i've made in my meetings, i've made the most amazing group of friends from my online world. i've only met one, but love every single one of them as though we've known each other our whole lives.

in summary:
i have lost nearly 165 lbs in the last 2 years.
i've gone from a size 28/30 to a 12/14.
i have no idea how many inches i've lost, but i know i've lost 7% body fat in the last 2 months, just from adding strength training to my routine.

my life is completely different. i can't stand being at home laying around on the couch; i can climb a mountain without dying. i can wear my friends' clothes, go shopping in regular stores, and am so much more confident. i've started dating, i'm not afraid of being out and being social, and crowds bother me just a little bit less. i'm still uber claustrophobic, but not nearly as bad as before. i can comfortably sit in an airplane, and don't feel like i'm taking up all the air when i sit in a small car.

i'm not going to lie; i've never been happier.

wow.

i did something tonight that i haven't done in a really really really long time. i ate myself sick. i've been extra snacky for the last week or so, and have a good idea as to why that's been occurring (along with the constant craving for chocolate and salt). tonight, however, was different. i ate and ate and ate, and for whatever reason, couldn't quench that thirst for food. now, i'm laying in bed, sick to my stomach, and not even wanting to sleep because i feel so gross.

i'm not sure what brought it on. i'm not emotional about anything, and it really truly could just be hormones, but it's very odd that i couldn't bring myself to stop. i was very conscious of what i was doing, but my stomach overpowered my will power tonight.

it happens, but i need to make sure i don't let it happen again this week. i've already had a big food week, what with the eating out i've been doing, so if i see a gain this week, i know it's all my fault. hm. no good.

the great tooth debacle, part the last

it's official. i will have a front tooth on august 10, 2009. after a year and a half of ridiculousness. shall we track the timeline on this sucker?

feb 2008 - after about 3 months of putting it off, i finally mention to the dentist that the back of my right front tooth feels odd. he looks at it and says it's resorption - my tooth eating itself from the inside out (the opposite of a cavity). sends me to the endodontist.

mar 2008 - root canal, in 2 parts, to try to save my tooth. awesome. cost: $900.

sept 2008 - tooth starts to hurt; can't bite apples any more. fear tooth is broken, avoid the dentist.

oct 2008 - face swells, go to endodontist; he says the tooth must come out.

nov 2008 - after 2 rounds of amoxicillan and a round of clindomycin, face swelling finally chills and dentist can pull tooth. puts in bone grafting material, and i look like a hockey player and have plastic on the roof of my mouth, like i did from 5th grade thru college. cost: $1500

apr 2009 - my jaw bone is finally stable enough to hold a titanium post. awesome oral surgery. implant takes just fine. cost: $1000

july 2009 - implant officially declared a win - go to dentist for final set of impressions so crown can be made. told that 8/10/09 will be d-day. cost: $1400

aug 10, 2009 - best day ever. get new tooth, remove plastic from roof of mouth, get to see the rockies and the cubbies play for the 2nd time in 4 days. cost: priceless

trying to inspire, version 2

I’ll admit it – I live in a state of perpetual self-delusion. According to my mirror, I’ve always been a size 8. It didn’t matter that my face got a little rounder, or that I was wearing the largest size that the plus-size store carries. I slid on my size 28 jeans every day, and my mirror said I looked fabulous.

When I started traveling for my first post-college job, I found I couldn't buckle the airplane seatbelts. Have you ever had to ask for an extender? It’s humiliating, and was enough to shake my version of reality. What 24-year-old has to ask for a seatbelt extender? So I started buying more vegetables. I even bought some workout DVDs. And I didn't change my lifestyle a single bit.

After I moved back to Colorado, my mirror image continued to hide my waistline, and had me completely convinced that it was the thin mountain air that made me winded during a walk. In what could only be called a momentary lapse of reality, I agreed when my mom asked me to go with her to Weight Watchers. I was completely against the thought of talking to a group of strangers about my weight (which was not a problem!) – but I went.

I don’t know what I expected, but I do know that what I saw in the mirror was altered drastically when I stepped on the scale for the first time. The “Guess My Weight” game I had been playing was over, and all I could see was the 195-lb difference between the scale and what Weight Watchers said was a healthy BMI for my height. I didn’t cry; I was too shocked.

I’m still working on a new version of reality. The weight fell off at first, but after losing 50 pounds, I almost gave up. The scale said the plan was working, but I looked exactly the same. It took those “strangers” to remind me that my energy was up and my clothes were too big. I pushed through it, and in just about 21 months, I’ve lost almost 150 pounds. I actually eat more vegetables, and I consistently walk 3 miles in the thin mountain air. Thanks to Weight Watchers, I can live my life like any other 26-year-old. It still needs some work, but this girl is now far closer to the size 8 in the mirror than ever before.

trying to inspire, version 1

I live in a state of perpetual self-delusion. Instead of being the skinny girl constantly complaining of a phantom five pounds, I was the girl who slid on her size 28 jeans and saw a size 8 staring back in the mirror. Yes, my face was a little rounder than before. And yes, I was wearing the largest size that the plus-size store carries. But I was fine, right? Wrong. I was unhappy; I was just really good at convincing myself otherwise.

Due to what can only be called a lapse to reality, I agreed when my mom asked me to go with her to her Weight Watchers meeting. I didn’t know what I was in for, but I do know that reality hit hard when I stepped on the scale for the first time. The “Guess My Weight” game I had been playing in my head was finally given a concrete answer; all I could see was the 195-lb difference between what I weighed and what Weight Watchers said was a healthy BMI for my height. I didn’t cry; I was too shocked.

I’ve always thought that being “big” was in my genes. My parents have struggled with their weight most of their adult lives, so of course it wasn’t my fault. The trouble was, though, that it was my fault. I’m the one who went to college and chose the couch over the pool. I’m the one that drove across campus instead of walking. I’m the one who consciously ignored the fact that my pant size was climbing and I suddenly had to ask for a belt extender on an airplane. That number on the scale was no one’s fault by my own.

At first, the weight just fell off, which was more than encouraging. But after losing 50 pounds, I was ready to give up. The scale said the plan was working, but my self-delusion said I looked exactly the same. My mirror image didn’t realize that my energy was up, my clothes were too big, and I just felt better – so I pushed through the mental block. In just about 21 months, I’ve lost almost 150 pounds – by watching my portions, moving more, and sticking to the Weight Watchers guidelines. I may still live in a state of self-delusion, but this girl is now far closer to the size 8 in the mirror than ever before.

what?!

can someone please explain to me how exactly it got to be the 8th day of july? because the last time i checked, i was wearing sweaters and snowboarding. and it was march.

my month of travel in june is finally over, though, and for that, i can't be happier. it's hard to be on the road all the time and still take care of yourself. and to think that i actually thought about looking at college admission jobs again this morning. i can't stand 3 trips in one month - 2 of them for pleasure - how on earth did i handle being gone every week for 4 months? sheesh - no wonder i gained 50 lbs between graduation and joining WW. not to mention the 100 lbs i had gained between high school and college graduation. ay de mi.

someone asked me last night why i'm not dating anyone. the truth? i have yet to see anyone really think that i'm cute and want to talk to me. so i'm still not confident that anything i've been doing has changed the way the world perceives me. i want to start dating - i just have to figure out how to go about it. we'll see what happens.

oh wednesday

kind of an odd, rough day for my emotions. my bestie called me this morning with bad news - her grandpa passed away. i didn't know her when her grandma died, or if i did, we weren't besties yet and i don't remember it. but we were definitely besties when my grandma died when we were 19, and when my grandpa died in 2007. she was there, bringing me whatever i needed, even if it was just a hug. and i am having some severe guilt over the fact that i won't be able to do the same for her - not completely, at least.

i leave for texas for 5 days on friday. the funeral is likely to be saturday at this juncture, and i won't be here to go. yes, her boyfriend and our other friends will take care of her, but it's supposed to be my job. i'm her best friend - she was there for me, and i have to repay that. i know i can't control it, but i still feel guilty about not being in town.

on top of that, i'm discovering some awesome unresolved emotions about my grandma's death. next thursday marks the 7th anniversary of the day she died and my stable family life went boom. she was the first person whose death really and truly devastated me. though it didn't surface for about 18 months, her death sent me into a deep depression. like any good girl, i ate my way through my emotions, and probably gained the majority of my weight between 20 and 22. i saw a shrink for awhile, and was on anti-depressants, and while i get a little sad around the 4th of july, i pretty much thought i had this all behind me. but for some reason, today's news has rocked me to the core.

i'm not 100% sure what the emotions are - i'm feeling a little empty, a little guilty, a little sad. i miss my grandma more than anything in the world, and i know that my bff will miss her grandpa in the same way. they were extremely close, and i know she's unsure how this will knock her family around. how do i tell her that it'll be fine, when even 7 years later, i'm not really fine?

a picture's worth 1000 words

Or something like it... let's see if we can get this picture progression to work!





May 2007 - 4 months prior to starting WW














November 2007 - 2 months on WW - about 25 lbs gone












March 2008 - About 65 lbs gone













July 2008











October 2008 - Just over 100 lbs gone








Mach 2009 - 130 lbs gone













May 2009 - 148 lbs gone!

breaking the routine

i've been housesitting the last couple days, and it's been a hard transition. i don't sleep very well when i'm not in my bed, and you add in all the weird sounds of a different house and the whining of the dog, and that's just the first part of the change in my routine. i also don't have my food, which i think is the hardest part of housesitting.

looking in other people's refrigerators is an interesting study. there was the lady that had absolutely nothing in her freezer except frozen dinners. this current fridge has beer, a couple pitchers of water, and some leftovers. nothing else. no fruit; no veggies; no milk. which means that i had to go grocery shopping to survive the 5 days i'm here. it was an exploration in finding easy meals that didn't require a lot of the things i have standard in my house - vegetables, frozen meat, cereal, milk, eggs, etc. i've resorted to strawberries and blueberries for fruit in the morning, along with some eggo nutri-grain low-fat waffles and a glass of milk. it's okay, but definitely not sticking with me like some of my other breakfasts.

it's hard to eat filling foods when the fridge you have access to is not adequately stocked. i'm staying on plan, and getting my HGs in through other ways, but it's a change to my routine. we'll have to see what effect it has at the scale next week. hopefully it's not a bad effect.