pajama pants, hoodies, and PB2

i'm feeling a little more on track than i was, and it's good to feel that way. not complacent, but diligent, and trying not to get down on myself for those little "mistakes" that are just living life. the last few days - especially with the 2 feet of snow we've seen in the first 7 days of the month - have been a great time for remembering those little things that make life, especially life with a weight problem, tolerable.

1. pajama pants and hoodies. nothing beats coming home from the gym, stripping off sweaty clothes and putting on snuggly warm pajamas and a hoodie. and they're good for getting to/from the gym without freezing.

2. my trainer, marko. even when i hurt for days after a session, it's a good hurt. when i come to a session in a bad/stressed mood, he helps it dissipate and helps me channel my frustration in a productive way. plus, he doesn't speak english too well, so trying to understand him definitely distracts me from the hard workout he's putting me through.

3. reworked comfort foods. amazing chili and delicious mac and cheese - the things that i want to eat on a cold, snowy day - without all the fat but with all the taste.

4. PB2. if you haven't discovered this peanut butter from bell plantation, get yourself some. it's powdered peanuts and sugar and salt - that's it!- you add some water and have a great tasting peanut butter without the oil. it's creamy and definitely helps this peanut butter addict get some protein with her apples and celery without the high PPV cost. 2 Tbsp = 1 PPV.

5. protein powder. an odd thing to be happy about, for sure, but honestly, i started drinking it after my workouts again, and i'm less famished. i drink it alongside a banana or other fruit, and it helps sate me until i can get to a real meal, which is usually 20-30 minutes after i leave the gym, at a minimum.

6. friends who challenge me. the fight for air climb is in 2 weeks, and i'm going to kick tush. i did the 56-story climb in 12:10 last year, and i will break 12 minutes this year. after that, it's time to start training for the bolderboulder, a 10k race on memorial day.

7. new jeans. i bought some new 10s the other day online, and they fit perfectly, even out of the dryer. nothing feels better than a pair of jeans that are warm from the dryer, not from the sweat you worked up trying to get into them.

there's more, i'm sure. but today, these in particular are helping me stay sane.

what a weekend!

whew. i'm glad it's monday. (yes, i just said that) it was quite the weekend - but you know what? this weekend was great. and it made me really appreciate the new program. i ate a lot, but never once felt deprived. and when i was hungry, i just had some fruit! adam was making fun of me - let's just say that i've had a lot of bananas this week :)

friday: invited a bunch of friends over for dinner, during the preparation of which, my microwave (which was responsible for cooking my steamed veggies) decided to go the way of the dinosaurs. now i have a fully-functioning rotating plate, but no waves of energy. managed to get the veggies heated in the oven, and dinner was a success - simple chicken breasts (3 PPV for mine), some boxed mashed taters (my serving was 4 PPV), the veggies (1 PPV, because of the sauce they were steamed in), a tomato salad (2 PPV for the olive oil), and some bread, and dinner was a big hit all around - and healthy! went on a very nice stroll through the local botanic gardens after dinner to see their christmas light display.

saturday: missed my workout with marko (he's super sick), but went to the gym and ran any way - needed the APs for dinner that night. we had adam's company party at a fancy steakhouse, and while i did very well (just 1 each of 2 appetizers and no wine), i still ended up at 48 PPV for the day. i am so not stressing, though, as that was only 18 of my WPA, and i had earned 10 APs earlier at the gym (i use my WPA before my APs, but it's all a mind game). thoroughly enjoyed myself without feeling deprived or guilty the next day when i got to tracking.

sunday: usually a lazy day, and it was. we did our grocery shopping (thanks, new PPV calculator, for your help there), and i stocked up on lots of fruit - for my house and adam's. had a delicious brunch that was full of protein, veggies, and some cheese, and made chicken mole tostadas for dinner.  granted i didn't have a "real" lunch, but the extra dailies made my choice of additional sour cream and a side of brown rice a "yes."

i am really enjoying the extra flexibility having 6 extra daily points has given me (my DPA went from 24 to 30), and honestly, after months of feeling stuck, i finally feel invigorated by WW again. i ate a lot of my favorite foods this weekend - especially cheese! - and didn't once feel the urge to snack on things that were just lying around. have i been "perfect?" of course not - but for the first time in a really long time, i actually paid attention to what was going in my mouth and cared.

goals for our end-of-year challenge

just so i can keep track of where i want to be by 12/31.

1. finish the year strong - capture my excitement about the new WW program and figure out how it works. really and truly get back to the basics, something i haven't done for quite awhile.
2. face holiday parties, christmas, my trip to georgia, and new year's with resolve - and make choices that i'm proud of, instead of ones i'll regret.
3. run at least one more race - the jingle bell run! - before the "real" winter sets in, and get up to the hills for some snowboard action!
4. this is the "tanya dries out" challenge as well - too much wine on thanksgiving has made me decide that a month without alcohol is something i need.

feeling good.

it's been a long time since i've just been happy. happy with how i look, how i feel, what's happening in my life. where i haven't felt like there's some aspect of something to complain about. and right now, right at this moment, i'm happy. content. pleased. not looking for something else to "complete me." i like feeling like this.

tomorrow, adam and i celebrate our 1-year dating anniversary. seriously, the fastest year of my life, but i feel like i've known him forever. it's a good feeling, to feel so completely yourself around someone. there are really only a handful of people that i know that i feel this way when i'm with them, and it's different to have a man in that circle (who is not my brother and/or father). i like it.

while i'm not at my goal weight, or really that close to it, i feel better about my self-image than i have in a long time. and i'm not so worried about the weight coming off. i've been making better choices on a daily basis, and even though i've been "off-plan" - as in i haven't been tracking - i have been snacking less, and my workout routine remains consistent. i'm definitely on a plateau, but for the first time in a year, i'm not really upset about being here. i've come a LONG way.

i'm jazzed about the new program. i'm not one for change, as referenced in my last posting, but i am looking forward to this change. i enjoy getting new perspectives on this battle with food that i fight consistently, and i like hearing about the latest and greatest in science research (yes, i'm a big science nerd. don't act surprised). maybe the new look and the force to relearn what i "know" will push me off this plateau. if it doesn't, then i continue to maintain. and you know what? i'm a-okay with that.

dealing with change

i've been rather contemplative the last couple days, and have chalked it up to just having a lot to do in a short timeframe. but it's more than that. life as i know it is about to change tremendously. not only is my BFF dating someone, or engaged, she'll be married in 48 hours. while the task of wedding planning will be over and she may have more time, she'll have a husband to go home to now; it won't be just "kate," everything will be "kate & chris." and while i love him dearly, and think they're perfectly matched, finding girl time will be something even more scheduled than it already is.

kate is my first really close friend to get married. the first of our "clan," if you will, and suddenly, what was 5 is now 4. or 3, since beans is moving to california at the end of the month. and though we're not thinking about getting married, adam and i are pretty serious, and i've already seen the change in the amount of time i see and spend with my roommate. what happens if adam and i do move in together? i'll see her even less!

i know. it's life. things change. priorities change. relationships change. and while i'm up for the changes - they're all good for everyone involved - i have to get used to the idea and adjust my vision. it'll take time. it'll take effort. but i think we'll all survive.

for the record...

i am not getting married. at least, not that i'm aware of.

i made a comment on facebook the other day about david's bridal, and suddenly, the world thinks i'm getting married. gotta love gossip and the way people can read into things. so, for the record, i am not getting married.

my best friend gets married in 8 days. my brother is getting married in 6 months. another friend from college gets married 2 weeks after that. with the 2 i attended this year, and the prospective of 2-3 more for 2011, i'm over weddings. i'm over the stress. the travel. david's bridal. and i'm only in 2 of these weddings!

am i supremely happy? yes. do i think that adam and i will be together for a long long time? yes. neither of us in a rush to get to the next phase of our lives. we enjoy where we are. do we act like an old married couple? yes. but right now, the biggest step you'll see out of us is moving in together. and that's not even happening any time soon. at least not this year.

women, food, and god

i've been on a kick of reading some of those self-help "diet" books - i've read Linda Spangle's Life is Hard, Food is Easy and a book that the WW.com editors recently wrote about called Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think. both have been interesting reads, and have explored different areas of both emotional eating and the influence that crowds, perceived serving size, and other environmental factors have on what we choose to eat and how much we eat.

my ww/workout buddy kristen gave a book to read by Geneen Roth called Women, Food, and God, and she too has some interesting perceptions on how and why we eat the way we do. her concept is that our body has a natural weight, and that's the weight that it will return to when we give up on all our issues related to food and actually deal with what causes those food issues. as i'm interpreting, when we give up our food issues to god (or whatever we perceive as god), our body finds peace and returns to its natural weight. she does lay out some "eating guidelines," which serve as her "diet" guide.

1. Eat when you are hungry.
2. Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.
3. Eat without distraction. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
4. Eat what your body wants.
5. Eat until you are satisfied.
6. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
7. Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

this all seems well and good, and the guidelines seem more common sense than anything. common sense in a perfect world. in a destressed, not full of work, boyfriends, pi phi, life kind of world. and i can keep coming up with excuses as to why these guidelines won't work for me.

the fact is that just like any other "diet plan," the success comes with how willing you are to commit to it. weight watchers works when i'm willing to track my food and put in the effort. if i make the commitment to eat without the tv and deal with how eating alone in a quiet space makes me feel, then i work through some issues in addition to my food issues. if i eat what my body wants (not excessive sugar, not oversized portions) when i'm hungry and until i'm satisfied, then yes, i feel better. but it's all about effort and my willingness to subscribe to this world view.

i'm trying to add these guidelines to my arsenal, but incorporating them to the other things i've learned from WW and my other reading. i can't just go all-out; there are too many other things i've learned that have helped me be successful so far.

picking up the pieces

it's been a rough week. i'm tired, but not exhausted. work has been stressful, and my co-workers are making me feel like i'm making up a story about how much stress i'm feeling - or they're totally discounting my feelings, which makes me angry on top of stressed.

after the sugar rush incident of two weeks ago, i skipped WI because i knew i was up a LOT. i worked hard, and had come back down - still up some, but not as bad as it was. i had to miss WI last week because i had friends in town and didn't have time to find another meeting. and with the friends in town, there was lots of extra alcohol, eating out, and sweet treats. but i was proud of how active we were, and i even ran on a morning when i already knew we'd be walking a lot.

i knew that stepping on the scale last night was going to be a gain, but i was hoping for 2 lbs, not 3.6. which totally messed with my head and sent me into a food twilight zone. there was cereal, granola bars, raisins, grapes, and peanut butter involved. and some ice cream too. i can't tell you what all i ate.

so the scale this morning showed an even bigger gain, but i know what i did, and i'm better today. had a good, filling, healthy breakfast - no sugary syrup in my coffee to kick off the sugar rush - and have pretty much everything except my dinner planned (but do know that it'll be either homemade pizza or chicken sandwiches). i've clicked off my points (i've been using the points clicker over my paper tracker - much handier than the burden of writing right now), and look like i'll have plenty for dinner, no matter what we have.

my excuses for why the scale was up more than i expected:
- i weighed in at night for the first time in 3 months
- i had chinese food for lunch, and was probably full of sodium
- i weighed in at my old center, not my new center, so the scales are off

yes, they're excuses. but they make me feel a little better. they don't make up for my food fest last night, but all i can say is here's to being on track today and the rest of the week.

sugar detox, day two

i'm fairly certain that i've eaten at least half a pie, a half gallon of ice cream, a 1-lb. bag of hershey's minis, and a wide assortment of muffins, brownies, and cake this week. by myself. simply because it was there. and because i'm a chicken, i didn't stand on the scale yesterday, but i know that i've gained back everything i've lost in the last 2 weeks. frustrating, simply because i stopped saying no and just ate like everyone around me. part from stress, part from exhaustion, part from the group mentality. and part from just plain ignoring my willpower and jiminy cricket voice.

so i'm in sugar detox. really, carb detox, but since sugar is the main culprit in my overindulging, it's the main carb on the list. i don't crave more sugar when i don't start in on it. so no pumpkin spice or vanilla lattes. no m&ms after lunch. no 100-calorie packs. i'm not going all out deprivation - because i know that doesn't work - but cutting out all the excess and especially the things that have been tripping the twilight zone.

i've done this with caffeine before, and while sugar is harder to avoid, it's not impossible. i had a good day yesterday - was able to steer clear of the sugar, and was able to have one WW fudge bar at the end of the day without feeling like i've overdone anything. i'm off to a good start again today - though i already know that i'm a little protein deficient because I'M STARVING! time to find a snack ;)

a shout-out to cereal, hummus, and salads

i crave salads. that's strange, i know. but really. there are 2 salads in this city that i am absolutely in love with, and i actively crave these salads. they're both greek-based salads, and just make me happy on the inside.

the first is from ogden street south, and is, in fact, their greek salad. for a bar, it is seriously the best salad i've ever had. lettuce, tomato, onion, olives, green pepper, cucumber, feta, and chicken souvlaki. the chicken is what makes this salad. the spices add this amazing flavor, and while it's probably soaked in oil, i can't help but love it. the dressing is a simply oil and vinegar with spices, and i don't even use dressing on the salad most of the time.

the second is from cafe terracotta, and was my lunch today. it's a bed of mixed greens topped with cucumber, tomatoes, artichokes, olives, onions, feta, and homemade hummus. it comes with a pita and tzatziki sauce, and i order mine without dressing because it doesn't need it. the hummus is not oily, nor too dry, and it has nice roasted garlic and spices in it.

hummus deserves its own shout - who knew i loved ground up chickpeas?

and finally, as the title indicates, there is a fair chance that i could live on dry cereal. it's so crunchy, and makes for the perfect snack when you want a handful of something and just can't figure out what to have.

oh, i've also discovered dark chocolate roasted almonds from emerald. yah. they make me happy too, in a healthy, less processed but still getting my chocolate fix sort of way.

i love food.

there are worse ways to start a monday

the weekend underground is the best thing for my sanity. holy cow - i feel a million times better than i did by the end of last week. and for a monday, it's actually been a decent day. why this monday isn't so bad:

1. i slept like 12 hours on saturday night and feel recharged for the week.
2. pumpkin spice latte. no need to say more.
3. the roller derby on saturday night was a new experience and totally awesome. now to find other bouts!
4. my lovely friend gabrielle is engaged! and she's super excited about it, which makes me really happy for her. her fiance is a fantastic man, and they're a great match.
5. the new girl is quitting. and it doesn't look like the bosses are attempting to convince her to stay, as they have at least 2 times before. while i'm sorry she had a hard time succeeding here, i also think her background is better suited for another organization.

this week in pi phi: stress eating edition

holy hostess cupcakes. i have been stress eating like a monster the last couple days. and i'd like to thank my pi phi alum club for that.

work, for once, has not been the bane of my existence. i've been plugging right along, and while things have been falling apart more than i'd like them to, things haven't been incredibly overwhelming. life seems to be good - my boyfriend and i have been dating for 10 months, i'm dealing better with my brother's impending nuptials, and i've been celebrating every moment i can with my best friend, who is getting married in just about 6 weeks.

but then there's pi phi. the one thing that i look forward to and the one thing that is causing me to pull my hair out this year. i'm in charge of a lot of coordination as our club's VP this year, and what i've been tried to consolidate and make more functional is turning out to be more trouble than help. people are stepping back from their jobs and are complaining. someone made a comment that i'm pushing change because i want to control everything and not give anyone else any power. and frankly, that hurts my feelings.

i'm just as busy as anyone else. i have volunteer obligations. i have work obligations. i have life obligations. but i've made a commitment to pi phi, and if that eats up all my other free time while i figure out my job, then so be it. but i shouldn't have to do my job as VP, and the communications job, and the web admin job, and the president's job because she decides to go to italy for 14 days, followed by a 10-day trip to mexico for a friend's wedding.

so, i've eaten. it's more about portion control than what i'm turning to, as there are few things in my house that are less than healthy for me. luckily, i have the workout minutes to compensate, but it's still not a healthy habit. and frankly, i've run out of ideas of what to do instead. i can only take so many walks.

things i experienced for the first time this weekend

1. recruitment at a big school is an ordeal. and frankly, kind of terrifying. i sat through a dress rehearsal of colorado alpha's skit for rush prior to their chapter cookie shine, and wow. i give those girls major props. they have worked SO hard. and their recruitment chair - or whoever had to choreograph that - gets uber kudos. 80-90 girls, dancing, singing - overwhelming. we would have NEVER pulled that off. hats off to any big school pi phi. however, it does go to reaffirming the fact that at any other school, there's a huge chance that i would have never been a pi phi.

2. winning a wiffle ball game. yes, the notorious 0-7 helicopter trout managed to pull off a mighty win in the summer-end tournament, defeating the #2 seed 5-4. we staged a massive underdog coup so the gray team could take home bragging rights this year. this is good news, as we no longer have to change our name to "the ego boosters."

3. bachelorette parties. just make sure the bride has fun. and smile, even when you're completely out of your comfort zone.

4. a "club" downtown. while i've been to many a downtown bar, i've never been to one that was of the line-out-the-door, cover-charge-paying variety. mostly because i refuse to pay cover on a place that's going to charge me $5-7 for a bottle of beer anyway. there are certain times i will pay cover: ladies night at the rose, because i drink for free for the modest door charge of $5; at sing sing, because i enjoy the show. that's really about all. but even without the cover charge, i'd stay out of these places for one thing, and one thing alone: the crowd. the sweaty, smelly, drunk crowd that touches you constantly, that will not move when you're trying to get to the door, and spills their drinks everywhere. as a point of future reference, if anyone ever thinks that it is a good idea to put one of these places on a list of pub crawl choices for anything celebrating me, they will be shunned.

that's a lot of "firsts" for one weekend. maybe we can keep it to one a week from here on out. i'm at my quota for september.

looking back and moving forward.

after a very nice note from a silent follower (which totally made my day, btw :D), i decided to go back and read my blog. i haven't done that in a very long time, and when i get the occasional note from someone regarding what i've written, i like to remind myself what i've shared with the world.

it's amazing to me how things can change. i used to loathe the gym. i was scared of what it meant, and the people that forced themselves into such torture. hello - i'm the person who forces herself into such torture. at least 3 times a week. and usually with a trainer or a workout buddy. and it's not torture. or that i used to push myself to get 30 minutes of walking in twice a week. and now my day of rest IS a 30-minute walk. and the beer diet doesn't work any more - which is the saddest part of all.

and of course, some things never change. even early in this battle (some say it's a journey, but it's a battle), i would have my weeks/months of not wanting to be on plan or making bad choices or not tracking. but the change now is that every point counts - and shows up on the scale when i eat it. at 280 lbs, i was still consistently eating fewer enough calories to see big scale drops even on bad weeks. at 180 lbs, i have to be much more vigilant - even with amount of exercise i do every week. i am still battling emotional eating, especially when it comes to "getting back" at someone.

things that i had wished would/wouldn't happen that have:
- not being recognized by someone i spent a fair amount of time with in/around
- being hit on by creepers, including one who propositioned me to be his mistress and called me a "total fucking hottie."

oh, and things that will NEVER change - it's all about me. and i love shoes.

best quote i found: "just do it, damnit!"

34.2 lbs. that's all. that's all i have to dominate. so just do it, damnit.

3 years ago...

monday was my 3-year "anniversary" on the weight watchers plan. and it's actually really bittersweet. all in all, i know i should be happy - in that time, my loss has hit the 178-lb mark. i've gone from a size 28 to a size 10/12. i'm in the best shape of my life, from both a strength and cardio perspective.

unfortunately, i have a lot of negative thoughts in my head that are blocking my celebration. the biggest is that this has not been a good year. since labor day of last year, i have not lost a single pound. since january 1st, i've actually gained weight - nearly 20 lbs. - with much of that happening since may 1st. summer has not been good for my willpower, and has felt like a steady barrage of birthdays, weddings, barbecues, and busy-ness that has allowed me to make a steady stream of unhealthy food choices, and has put my motivation and willpower into a tailspin. of course, it's all a negative reinforcement cycle, and the less willpower and motivation i have, the worse i feel about my self-image, confidence, and the rest.

i know i've come a long way. i carry my before picture around in my WW book to prove it. but i have to look at this as day 1. day "i've never done weight watchers, so let's see how this works." i know that i can knock off these last (sigh) 40 pounds. i know that this time right now - between labor day and thanksgiving - is my best chance at making something happen. i have 11 weeks. exactly. and i know i can lose at least 10 lbs between now and thanksgiving day.

i start at 189.2 (since i'm not weighing in this week, due to the water retention).

a mild case of the blues

i'm not particularly happy today. i wasn't yesterday, either. i'm not all-out, i need to cry until my eyeballs fall out sad, but i am sad. and as far as i can tell, there's no real reason behind it.

i do have times when i'm just quiet. contemplative. adam says i'm "weird" on these days, but really, i'm just not as upbeat and such. i spent most of last week stressed out and pissed off, and it was nice to have a weekend without any drama, work or otherwise. but the quiet also gives room to think, and sometimes, that just puts me into the blues.

my relationship with my mom is different, and while i haven't said anything to her, i feel like we haven't had an actual conversation in a long time. and i miss that.

my best friend gets married in almost exactly two months. i haven't had a real conversation with her in at least three weeks. i know friendships change as relationships grow, kids come into the picture, etc. but i miss what we used to have.

my brother and his fiancee have started looking at houses to buy. she's still in school full-time, and he currently has contract work only. and that'll only last as long as the paving season lasts, and then he may or may not have a job. yes, he has a fair amount of money saved from while he was in iraq. yes, he gets VA assistance because he's a vet. yes, they're getting married, and it makes sense. but it's weird to me that he's "ahead" of me in this lifestage - the getting married, the settling down, etc. it's actually making me feel like less of a grown-up because i don't have my own house yet. and it's making me think that maybe i am ready for owning a house. but it's a huge, scary proposition. and i really don't want the mortgage lender to tell me that i can only qualify for $100k or something. it's an irrational fear - because i'm just making up stories right now.

i've tried the exercise. and as much as i'm trying to steer clear of the chocolate, i'm not being overly successful. we'll see. in the end, it's probably just PMS.

really?!

i am tired.

i am frustrated.

i want people to think for themselves and stop to read and/or listen, and stop asking the same questions over and over.

i want to feel like i have an opinion that people will take into consideration, as opposed to completely just disregard.

and the thing is that it's not even work that's bothering me. in fact, i'd rather just hole up in my office and pretend like the rest of the world doesn't exist. because it's the rest of the world that is driving me fucking batty.

i miss my vacation.

fighting with mom

over the last 3 years, my mom and i have really strengthened our relationship - we're very good friends, and i've enjoyed this change from parent/child to friendship very much. she's been my WW buddy since 9/2007, when i started this journey, and she reached her goal and lifetime late last year. our 3 years together have been fun - for the most part, it's just been the 2 of us. my dad has been working construction in the mountains, one brother was at war, and the other brother lived about an hour north of the city. we had monday night dinners together at grandma's, spent thursdays after our WW meetings chatting and catching up over dinner and a walk, and had time really to get to know one another.

since february, a lot has changed in our respective worlds. for my mom - my brother came home from war and was discharged from the army in early march. he moved back to denver, and promptly into my mom's house. he got engaged at the end of april, and suddenly, there's been a wedding to plan. in may, the other brother moved back home to save on expenses and be closer to his girlfriend. my dad's project ended in june, and suddenly, in a house that used to be my mom and her dog, there are 3 extra people and 2 dogs (there were 3 for a bit). in my life, work has been tremendously busy, i've taken on a much bigger role in my sorority alum club, and i've gotten pretty serious with my boyfriend. our thursday night dinners have transformed into family dinners, and we don't go for walks any more. we've had to switch meetings this summer so that we could play wiffleball, and aren't going to meetings together any more.

with the switch in our meetings, the lack of together time on our own, and the extra bodies that are ALWAYS around, our relationship has started to migrate back to that parent/kid feeling. maybe it's because my brothers are home and pretty much inept of caring for themselves, so it gets transferred to me. i don't know. we've started biting at each other - i've been reprimanded and been given the "mom" glare more times in the last 2 months than i have in 3 years. our conversations are brief and shallow.

i feel like i'm 16. i hate it. i miss my friend.

the to-do list

i am a list maker. and while my boyfriend makes fun of me for it, there is a fair chance that this is the reason why i've been so off-kilter as of late. my work to-do list has been minimal, but the minute work picked back up, i made a list. when i traveled, i made lists for packing. why haven't i been keeping up with my lists for my regular life?

i always thought that tracking came easily because i was list-driven person. and i think that's true. the act of tracking, while not always convenient, is not hard for me. i make a list of what i've eaten. i check off my good health guidelines. i make sure i'm getting things done. my lack of tracking, along with my lack of list-making, has been one of my more serious off-plan decisions, and probably the leading cause of why i've gained so much weight in the last month, 6 months. and why i've had trouble losing - because i'm not getting things done.

my stress level decreased ten-fold when i made my to-do list for my life. even though it's super long and has a lot of silly things on it, at least it's made. i know what needs to get done.

time to make my "list" for weight loss. as in setting a goal for our summer camp challenge. as in checking off my GHGs every day. as in writing down every single BLT that i take. lists make me feel like i'm in control. and control is the one thing i could really use right this instant.

this blogger's vacation observations

1. i have my mother's hands. not literally - they're still attached to her, thankfully. but at one point during my flight to chicago, i moved my hand a certain way and i was struck by how much my hands are similar to my mother's. they're not cute - i have knobbly knuckles, and the tips all sort of curve in toward my middle finger.

2. drivers in chicago are rude. i don't care if you drive this road every day; it doesn't give you reign to be an ass when i'm trying to merge.

3. whoever designed the merge lanes on the kennedy expressway should be taken out and shot for his poor design skills. seriously.

4. libertyville, il wins the award for friendliness. when i usually run, people avoid eye contact. not in libertyville. every single person i passed said hi or did the acknowledging head nod or wave. one guy gave me a thumbs-up, and another said "good job! keep up the hard work!"

5. madison, wi is totally worth the trip, at least in the warm months. 2 beautiful lakes, lots of parks and open space, nice hiking not far from town, and all the quirks of a mid-sized city. it's like denver without the tall downtown high-rises or the sprawling metropolitan area.

6. tollroads on the interstate are a pain in the ass. please post cash rates well in advance of the toll, so i'm not wasting your time trying to scramble for change at the last second and holding up the flow of traffic.

7. the american league sucks. pitchers should hit. that's all there is to that.

8. coors field remains my #1 stadium of choice. particularly because the beer, while still expensive, is at least $1 cheaper than anywhere else in the country.

9. the TSA should do a better job of separating family travelers, casual travelers, and expert travelers. especially at DIA. because really, i'm tired of getting stuck behind a family of 12 who have never been on a plane before.

10. i prefer window over aisle seating - there is better head-resting space for this chronic airplane sleeper.

11. i don't miss the midwest. not even a little.