a mild case of the blues

i'm not particularly happy today. i wasn't yesterday, either. i'm not all-out, i need to cry until my eyeballs fall out sad, but i am sad. and as far as i can tell, there's no real reason behind it.

i do have times when i'm just quiet. contemplative. adam says i'm "weird" on these days, but really, i'm just not as upbeat and such. i spent most of last week stressed out and pissed off, and it was nice to have a weekend without any drama, work or otherwise. but the quiet also gives room to think, and sometimes, that just puts me into the blues.

my relationship with my mom is different, and while i haven't said anything to her, i feel like we haven't had an actual conversation in a long time. and i miss that.

my best friend gets married in almost exactly two months. i haven't had a real conversation with her in at least three weeks. i know friendships change as relationships grow, kids come into the picture, etc. but i miss what we used to have.

my brother and his fiancee have started looking at houses to buy. she's still in school full-time, and he currently has contract work only. and that'll only last as long as the paving season lasts, and then he may or may not have a job. yes, he has a fair amount of money saved from while he was in iraq. yes, he gets VA assistance because he's a vet. yes, they're getting married, and it makes sense. but it's weird to me that he's "ahead" of me in this lifestage - the getting married, the settling down, etc. it's actually making me feel like less of a grown-up because i don't have my own house yet. and it's making me think that maybe i am ready for owning a house. but it's a huge, scary proposition. and i really don't want the mortgage lender to tell me that i can only qualify for $100k or something. it's an irrational fear - because i'm just making up stories right now.

i've tried the exercise. and as much as i'm trying to steer clear of the chocolate, i'm not being overly successful. we'll see. in the end, it's probably just PMS.