why do you call me skinny?

let's face it. i'm not skinny. i'm still 125 lbs overweight. but lately, this has been the compliment of choice. my cousin, whom i haven't seen since january, came with us to a baseball game the other night, and the first thing she said was "damn, you look really skinny!" which is great, and i said thanks (i'm really trying to get better about taking compliments), but i can't help thinking that it's not true. i'm still fat. i still have to shop in the plus sizes. you can tell me look great, or that you can really tell that i've lost some poundage, but really? skinny? i don't buy it. but you can still keep commenting on it. i'm fine with that.

in other news, i am one pound away from my 75 lb mark. woot! i'm very excited about hitting that, especially right before my birthday. :D

week 32

so i weighed in for the 32nd time at weight watchers last night. i've lost 70 lbs in just about 8 months. that's pretty crazy. and a lot of weight. i mean, that's a big 3rd grader.

i'm really happy that this is working, but i've definitely started to get into the phase where this feels like more work than fun. i don't know if it's just because i'm getting tired of writing down every single thing i eat, or i "miss" being able to lay around on the couch for 8 hours without getting fidgety, or what the cause of this work-like feeling is. it's not like i'm not getting to eat the foods i want (case in point - cheese enchiladas for dinner last night), and i've totally learned how to read a nutritional label and make wiser decisions than just eating any old thing.

this feeling bothers me because it can ultimately lead to laziness and a lack of motivation to stay on track. and i like the track that i'm on. but how do i get past this feeling of drudgery to a place where i'm content again?

man, i blew it.

i was out of control yesterday. my eating, at least. i had a huge point lunch (thanks to the carrot cake and cream cheese frosting that was dessert), and i could not control my snacking. so i ended up eating through more than half of my flex points for the week. i've got to get back in control, and get back on track for eating some healthful, delicious things again. i don't know what exactly my trigger was yesterday on my snacking, but i have a feeling that it had to do with pure boredom. i should have made myself get up and go for a walk, but i didn't. i sat in front of the tv. and i ate. and ate. and ate.

oh well. today's a new day. back on track. exercise. whatever i can do to get this back where it needs to be.

off the topic...

so this has nothing to do with anything i usually write about, but i'm all of a sudden really sad.

one of my friends, that i've been trying to help find a job here for awhile, has made a huge decision in his life: he's moving to chicago, with or without a job. which totally depresses me. i have all these great friends from college, and almost all of them have moved out of colorado. this guy was just about the last of the people i want to hang out with that's left in the CO. i'm really happy that he's made an actual decision about his future; i'm sad that he's leaving me.

because, still, everything is about me.

ups and downs

i've been in this weird up and down pattern lately. i'm still losing good amounts of weight, so i'm not on a plateau. it's just a weird vacillation. i hope this week i don't go back up. i've stuck to the plan, walked a LOT, and haven't gone out of control on my snacking. so... i guess what we'll see what the scale says this week.

in other news, i bought new clothes this weekend, and i'm really happy that i can buy clothes at places other than at lane bryant. i can't wait until i can just go shopping with my friends at any store. :)

photos.

okay. so i have some various pictures to put up, to illustrate how i've changed in the almost 7 months i've been on WW. i don't have any current full body pictures, so i'll try to get one of those, and post before/after in another post. :)

photo from before i started WW, during our trip to Chicago in May 2007.










the brothers and i, in december 2007, after 3 month and about 35 lbs lost. note the long bangs and lack of seeing my hair, which until 2 weeks ago was pulled up in a messy bun constantly.







easter 2008, with my cousin. 65 lbs gone, and a new(er) haircut. it's hard to tell, but it's about shoulder length, with distinctive layers that frame my face.

whoa.

so it's been quite a time since i updated this thing. today is Easter. and i ate a lot. i didn't use the tools that i've learned from my time in WW. i didn't go completely overboard, and i actually ate a LOT of veggies, but i definitely fell victim to the potato chips, and my Easter favorite - sausage pie. it's terrible for you, but tastes so delicious. egg, ricotta cheese, and italian sausage. but i only get it once a year, so i'm allowed to enjoy it. but i wrote down everything i ate, and yes, i went outside my daily points, but heck, it's Easter. and i really enjoyed my day. :)

and i thought taking compliments was hard

try being told that you basically look like crap. i've been dwelling on this comment from a co-worker for about 12 hours now, and i'm having a really hard time letting it go and moving on. situ: she and i were chatting, and i asked if she had any ideas for good hairstyles that might be a good fit for my face shape. her response: "why even bother with getting a style if you're just going to pull it back anyway?" granted, i wear my hair up a LOT, but mostly because it's thick and i don't have the patience to make it manageable. hence the reason i was soliciting ideas for a new hairstyle. she proceeded to make other comments that really just made me feel like she was telling me that i didn't do anything to make myself look good and that i look like crap. she's also made a lot of comments about my clothes being too big and baggy and how i should go buy new clothes.

i know. i've lost 60 fucking pounds. my clothes don't fit right any more. and if i weren't living paycheck to paycheck, maybe i'd have some money to go buy new clothes.

i'm so hurt and angry. and i don't know how to respond to her. except that i really just want to scream at the top of my lungs "FUCK YOU BITCH! I'VE LOST 60 FUCKING POUNDS, I LOOK A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN 6 MONTHS AGO, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? AT LEAST MY WARDROBE DOESN'T HAVE SHOULDER PADS AND LOOK LIKE IT HASN'T BEEN REPLACED SINCE 1988."

but that's not very professional or friendly, now is it?

the benefits of moving more

so i've seen great losses the last two weeks. and the only thing i can contribute it to is the fact that i've gotten my ass off the couch and am officially moving more. really, seriously, moving.

i made it one of my april fools' day goals to move more - in fact, put a definitive number on it. i am going to earn at least 10 activity points each week. and guess what - i have, for each of the last 2 weeks. i did it really late this week - on tuesday and wednesday (i WI on thursdays) - but it got done. which is great - i'll get a new jersey for baseball season, if i keep up the hard work. if not, no jersey. i never thought that awards would help me in my goal for a skinny me, but it seems it has. go motivation!

speaking of rewards - i need to get me some new shoes for hitting my 50-lb loss mark. shopping!

here's to walking!

i hate exercise. mostly because the word "exercise" to me connotes all things evil: spandex, gyms, trainers, crunches, crazy people who spend more of their life in the gym than they do with their children. i constantly forget that exercise used to be fun. racing my brothers around the block/school/park on our bikes. swimming laps for hours and hours. playing with my skip-it or just jumping rope with my friends at school.

when did exercise stop being play and start being evil?

last week at our WW meeting, we talked about getting out and moving more. just doing a little of things we loved as children. my leader said "kids don't come to the door and ask if susie can come out and exercise - they ask if she can come out and play. play this week."

i have a hard time motivating myself to go do something active. i don't know why, but i do. but this week i made the effort. i made my friends go for a nice walk last friday. i took my mom's dog for a long walk around the park on saturday. i went to the high school by my new house on tuesday and wednesday and walked laps at the track.

and you know what? maybe it wasn't jump rope or bike racing, but it was exercise. good exercise. i feel better today than i have in a couple weeks. and it was just walking. nothing fancy, nothing gym-related. just walking. and i played - i raced the dog (she won, but i ran for a whole half-block) - something i haven't really done in a long time.

mmmm enchiladas

I love Mexican food. Check that - I love food. Particularly food slathered in cheese (not nacho cheese, but real, delicious cheese). So of course it makes sense that cheese and onion enchiladas are one of my favorite foods. It makes me really happy that I'm on a weight loss plan that allows me to eat them. I had a wonderful plate of the cheesy goodness for dinner with my parents tonight. And even though they're lacking in vegetables and pretty much anything healthy, I enjoyed every bite. Thank you, Weight Watchers.

there are cookies in the kitchen

welcome to my workplace. there are cookies and m&ms in the kitchen, along with every variety of soda you could ever want, some peanuts, and lots of sugar, sugar, sugar!

it gets a little out of control (ooc, if you will) around here some days with the sugar consumption that happens... but i'm staying as far away as i can. i had one peanut butter cookie, and now i'll sit up here with my water bottle, and not go downstairs for a 2nd. there is the smell permeating everything.... but i'm going to have some willpower.

stupid people bother me.

i was in an amazing mood this morning. i didn't care that it was monday, or that i had to go back to work. it was a good morning.

and then it all went to shit. because people are stoopid.

and because i hate being treated like a child and like i'm invisible.

insert exclamation here.

i'm officially the lightest i've been in 3 years (at least to my knowledge) - the scale said 296 last night at weigh-in!

holy catfish!

after a week of maintaining, i lost 4.2 lbs this week. what a difference a week makes. chalk it up to finally destressing, getting rid of terrible snacks, and having real life vegetables to eat. the roughly 12 hours of moving over 2 days didn't hurt either - thank you 3rd floor walk-up!

so i've hit my valentine's day weight goal to get below 300. but i still have another part i really need to work on. granted, next thursday is valentine's day, but i'm committing to exercise at least 30 minutes twice over the next 7 days. tomorrow, i will take a walk with my mom, and tuesday, we're doing a walking tour of downtown, but i'll park far from the starting point and walk some extra steps. those are my commitments - hopefully writing them down will help me actually stick to them. hold me accountable, friends.

visiting the doctor

in case you've missed it, i'm well into my 3rd iteration of the cold i've had since before christmas. i was sick as a dog on christmas, and then again about 2 weeks ago, and now i'm on day 5 of a lovely hacking cough. which finally prompted me to go to the doctor - the last time i was this sick consecutively, i ended up being diagnosed with chronic bronchitis.

doctor's visits: trauma. i avoid them at whatever cost. excuses, selling my first born to walgreens, whatever it takes. so i wasn't happy about the fact that i had to go, but more unhappy about the fact of what going to the doctor actually constitutes: a trip to the scale and a look at the blood pressure. i was less concerned about the scale - i know where i should be because i've actively been watching it for the last 5 months. it's the BP that freaks me out.

rewind: back in 2003, i went into a major depression, and was put on an anti-depressant. i had to go to the doctor practically every time i was home from school for re-evaluation. after a few visits, my blood pressure was "high" consistently, and the doctor prescribed some pills. which made me physically ill. so she switched them. and i still was sick every time i took one. so i just stopped taking them. there's a good chance it was psychological, but even the slightest discussion of doctor's visits and blood pressure machines make nervous.

so the visit yesterday: not bad. scale made it look like i was at 298.5, but we'll see what the scale really says on thursday. BP: "elevated" was the word of choice. i think it was 130 something over 84. possible contributors: dehydration (i had only had a couple glasses of water at that point), the decongestant i'm on, coughing fits. no one seemed particularly concerned. which is good.

i need to schedule a physical. it's been awhile since i had one of those, and staying in touch with the doctor, even if it's only once a year, is probably one of those habits that healthy people have.

oh, and the doctor gave me this awesome cough syrup that's 100x better than nyquil in knock-out factor. i slept like a passed-out drunk last night. it was FANtastic.

and then it was sunday

and not just any sunday: SUPER BOWL SUNDAY! not that i care - i'll probably watch some of the game because it's on, but i'll likely end up watching a movie or tv on dvd. when your teams aren't in the game, it's not as big of a deal as the world makes it out to be. which is good, because we learned at WW this week that Super Bowl Sunday is the 2nd largest food day in american society after thanksgiving. which is crazy, but i can totally see how that goes with parties and the food that is typically served therein. no parties for me, so i'm okay for today.

big move this weekend. i pretty much moved on my own, to a third floor walk-up, and let's just say that i'm still exhausted from all the work i did on friday. but i'm finishing my laundry as i type, and i think i only have 1 or 2 boxes left to unpack. still have pictures to hang, but we have concrete walls, so i have to figure out how to rig pictures up. i really like the location and lay out of the new place, and i'm glad i took friday off to get it all taken care of. the movement is great for my WW goals, so hopefully, i'll see a good loss this week. at least enough to kick me into the 200s for the first time in 3 years.

ugh.

i know. i haven't updated in awhile. i've been really up and down lately, emotions-wise, and i've been avoiding practically everyone and everything.

first things first - i hit my 50 lb. weight loss mark! i hit it last week, after the ridiculous week of sickness. i lost 4 lbs, probably due to the fact that i did nothing but drink water and eat soup and oatmeal. so that was a huge step for me - now to push past it, and get back into the 200s.

this week, however, was not as great. i've been overwhelmed at work, and i'm completely stressing out over my move, which makes me do two things: not pack, and eat. i thought i was getting a pretty good handle on my emotional eating, but it seems i have more work to do. granted, i didn't gain this week, which is a great thing, but i know i had a bad week in terms of my choices. my "week" resets today, so it's time to work through the emotion, get through the move, and get back on track with my eating. and snack on healthy things - not whatever i can manage to get my grubby little paws on...

out of commission

at least i'm standing today. not for long periods, but i'm not stuck to the couch any more.

it's been a long time since a cold took me out of commission for 4 days. i'm still pretty sick, but i'm on the mend and feel much better than i did even yesterday.

i've completely abandoned WW while i've been sick. rephrase: i've completely abandoned food while i've been sick. except for soup and oatmeal. mmmmm.

in other news: i'm really upset by the fact that they found heath ledger dead in his apartment this afternoon. all my teenage fantasies just went up in smoke. he was my first real hollywood crush, thanks to "10 things i hate about you." sadness.

holy macaroni, batman!

i lost 2 lbs this week! given that i've been pmsing all week, it's some kind of miracle. but i guess being in a bad mood doesn't necessarily equate to a bad number on the scales. i stayed away from a lot of my trigger foods, so that's a plus. now to stay on track as i get close to the -50 mark...

in other news: i'm sick. again. this time it's a chest cold, with some flu symptoms. the last time i had a chest cold, it lasted for 8 months and became chronic bronchitis. super way to spend your senior year of college. i have to watch that this doesn't flare up into more than a sore throat and cough. god knows i don't need to add a batch of inhaled steroids to my daily routine.

i hate people.

i'm in a bad mood. a pretty fantastically bad mood. aka pms.

hence the reason i want cheesesticks and chocolate more than anything else on the planet. and the reason why i've been annoyed by pretty much everyone all week.

i'm generally a pretty laidback person. sure, i get ticked about things, and i have a not-so-great case of road rage, but most things roll off my back without much of a second thought. not so today. i'm all wound up about having to move my office down the hall. mostly because i wasn't a part of the conversation about moving down the hall (it's long and convoluted, i'll spare most of the details), and because i have to move from a nice-sized office into a little time hole in the wall that shouldn't even qualify as an office. meeting/interviewing people constitutes a large part of my job; i can't meet with people in the hole down the hall. how is that (other than being close to the "team") helpful to me accomplishing my work?

normally, i'd be well into a tub of moose tracks ice cream. i haven't had moose tracks ice cream since september. and a small piece of me just died as i typed that statement. how can a person go 5 months almost without having your favorite ice cream in the world? because i've changed my eating habits so much, that i don't even walk down the ice cream aisle. and i'd probably get really sick from that much fat now.

i still want the damned ice cream right now though.