photos.

okay. so i have some various pictures to put up, to illustrate how i've changed in the almost 7 months i've been on WW. i don't have any current full body pictures, so i'll try to get one of those, and post before/after in another post. :)

photo from before i started WW, during our trip to Chicago in May 2007.










the brothers and i, in december 2007, after 3 month and about 35 lbs lost. note the long bangs and lack of seeing my hair, which until 2 weeks ago was pulled up in a messy bun constantly.







easter 2008, with my cousin. 65 lbs gone, and a new(er) haircut. it's hard to tell, but it's about shoulder length, with distinctive layers that frame my face.

whoa.

so it's been quite a time since i updated this thing. today is Easter. and i ate a lot. i didn't use the tools that i've learned from my time in WW. i didn't go completely overboard, and i actually ate a LOT of veggies, but i definitely fell victim to the potato chips, and my Easter favorite - sausage pie. it's terrible for you, but tastes so delicious. egg, ricotta cheese, and italian sausage. but i only get it once a year, so i'm allowed to enjoy it. but i wrote down everything i ate, and yes, i went outside my daily points, but heck, it's Easter. and i really enjoyed my day. :)

and i thought taking compliments was hard

try being told that you basically look like crap. i've been dwelling on this comment from a co-worker for about 12 hours now, and i'm having a really hard time letting it go and moving on. situ: she and i were chatting, and i asked if she had any ideas for good hairstyles that might be a good fit for my face shape. her response: "why even bother with getting a style if you're just going to pull it back anyway?" granted, i wear my hair up a LOT, but mostly because it's thick and i don't have the patience to make it manageable. hence the reason i was soliciting ideas for a new hairstyle. she proceeded to make other comments that really just made me feel like she was telling me that i didn't do anything to make myself look good and that i look like crap. she's also made a lot of comments about my clothes being too big and baggy and how i should go buy new clothes.

i know. i've lost 60 fucking pounds. my clothes don't fit right any more. and if i weren't living paycheck to paycheck, maybe i'd have some money to go buy new clothes.

i'm so hurt and angry. and i don't know how to respond to her. except that i really just want to scream at the top of my lungs "FUCK YOU BITCH! I'VE LOST 60 FUCKING POUNDS, I LOOK A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN 6 MONTHS AGO, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? AT LEAST MY WARDROBE DOESN'T HAVE SHOULDER PADS AND LOOK LIKE IT HASN'T BEEN REPLACED SINCE 1988."

but that's not very professional or friendly, now is it?

the benefits of moving more

so i've seen great losses the last two weeks. and the only thing i can contribute it to is the fact that i've gotten my ass off the couch and am officially moving more. really, seriously, moving.

i made it one of my april fools' day goals to move more - in fact, put a definitive number on it. i am going to earn at least 10 activity points each week. and guess what - i have, for each of the last 2 weeks. i did it really late this week - on tuesday and wednesday (i WI on thursdays) - but it got done. which is great - i'll get a new jersey for baseball season, if i keep up the hard work. if not, no jersey. i never thought that awards would help me in my goal for a skinny me, but it seems it has. go motivation!

speaking of rewards - i need to get me some new shoes for hitting my 50-lb loss mark. shopping!

here's to walking!

i hate exercise. mostly because the word "exercise" to me connotes all things evil: spandex, gyms, trainers, crunches, crazy people who spend more of their life in the gym than they do with their children. i constantly forget that exercise used to be fun. racing my brothers around the block/school/park on our bikes. swimming laps for hours and hours. playing with my skip-it or just jumping rope with my friends at school.

when did exercise stop being play and start being evil?

last week at our WW meeting, we talked about getting out and moving more. just doing a little of things we loved as children. my leader said "kids don't come to the door and ask if susie can come out and exercise - they ask if she can come out and play. play this week."

i have a hard time motivating myself to go do something active. i don't know why, but i do. but this week i made the effort. i made my friends go for a nice walk last friday. i took my mom's dog for a long walk around the park on saturday. i went to the high school by my new house on tuesday and wednesday and walked laps at the track.

and you know what? maybe it wasn't jump rope or bike racing, but it was exercise. good exercise. i feel better today than i have in a couple weeks. and it was just walking. nothing fancy, nothing gym-related. just walking. and i played - i raced the dog (she won, but i ran for a whole half-block) - something i haven't really done in a long time.

mmmm enchiladas

I love Mexican food. Check that - I love food. Particularly food slathered in cheese (not nacho cheese, but real, delicious cheese). So of course it makes sense that cheese and onion enchiladas are one of my favorite foods. It makes me really happy that I'm on a weight loss plan that allows me to eat them. I had a wonderful plate of the cheesy goodness for dinner with my parents tonight. And even though they're lacking in vegetables and pretty much anything healthy, I enjoyed every bite. Thank you, Weight Watchers.

there are cookies in the kitchen

welcome to my workplace. there are cookies and m&ms in the kitchen, along with every variety of soda you could ever want, some peanuts, and lots of sugar, sugar, sugar!

it gets a little out of control (ooc, if you will) around here some days with the sugar consumption that happens... but i'm staying as far away as i can. i had one peanut butter cookie, and now i'll sit up here with my water bottle, and not go downstairs for a 2nd. there is the smell permeating everything.... but i'm going to have some willpower.

stupid people bother me.

i was in an amazing mood this morning. i didn't care that it was monday, or that i had to go back to work. it was a good morning.

and then it all went to shit. because people are stoopid.

and because i hate being treated like a child and like i'm invisible.

insert exclamation here.

i'm officially the lightest i've been in 3 years (at least to my knowledge) - the scale said 296 last night at weigh-in!

holy catfish!

after a week of maintaining, i lost 4.2 lbs this week. what a difference a week makes. chalk it up to finally destressing, getting rid of terrible snacks, and having real life vegetables to eat. the roughly 12 hours of moving over 2 days didn't hurt either - thank you 3rd floor walk-up!

so i've hit my valentine's day weight goal to get below 300. but i still have another part i really need to work on. granted, next thursday is valentine's day, but i'm committing to exercise at least 30 minutes twice over the next 7 days. tomorrow, i will take a walk with my mom, and tuesday, we're doing a walking tour of downtown, but i'll park far from the starting point and walk some extra steps. those are my commitments - hopefully writing them down will help me actually stick to them. hold me accountable, friends.

visiting the doctor

in case you've missed it, i'm well into my 3rd iteration of the cold i've had since before christmas. i was sick as a dog on christmas, and then again about 2 weeks ago, and now i'm on day 5 of a lovely hacking cough. which finally prompted me to go to the doctor - the last time i was this sick consecutively, i ended up being diagnosed with chronic bronchitis.

doctor's visits: trauma. i avoid them at whatever cost. excuses, selling my first born to walgreens, whatever it takes. so i wasn't happy about the fact that i had to go, but more unhappy about the fact of what going to the doctor actually constitutes: a trip to the scale and a look at the blood pressure. i was less concerned about the scale - i know where i should be because i've actively been watching it for the last 5 months. it's the BP that freaks me out.

rewind: back in 2003, i went into a major depression, and was put on an anti-depressant. i had to go to the doctor practically every time i was home from school for re-evaluation. after a few visits, my blood pressure was "high" consistently, and the doctor prescribed some pills. which made me physically ill. so she switched them. and i still was sick every time i took one. so i just stopped taking them. there's a good chance it was psychological, but even the slightest discussion of doctor's visits and blood pressure machines make nervous.

so the visit yesterday: not bad. scale made it look like i was at 298.5, but we'll see what the scale really says on thursday. BP: "elevated" was the word of choice. i think it was 130 something over 84. possible contributors: dehydration (i had only had a couple glasses of water at that point), the decongestant i'm on, coughing fits. no one seemed particularly concerned. which is good.

i need to schedule a physical. it's been awhile since i had one of those, and staying in touch with the doctor, even if it's only once a year, is probably one of those habits that healthy people have.

oh, and the doctor gave me this awesome cough syrup that's 100x better than nyquil in knock-out factor. i slept like a passed-out drunk last night. it was FANtastic.

and then it was sunday

and not just any sunday: SUPER BOWL SUNDAY! not that i care - i'll probably watch some of the game because it's on, but i'll likely end up watching a movie or tv on dvd. when your teams aren't in the game, it's not as big of a deal as the world makes it out to be. which is good, because we learned at WW this week that Super Bowl Sunday is the 2nd largest food day in american society after thanksgiving. which is crazy, but i can totally see how that goes with parties and the food that is typically served therein. no parties for me, so i'm okay for today.

big move this weekend. i pretty much moved on my own, to a third floor walk-up, and let's just say that i'm still exhausted from all the work i did on friday. but i'm finishing my laundry as i type, and i think i only have 1 or 2 boxes left to unpack. still have pictures to hang, but we have concrete walls, so i have to figure out how to rig pictures up. i really like the location and lay out of the new place, and i'm glad i took friday off to get it all taken care of. the movement is great for my WW goals, so hopefully, i'll see a good loss this week. at least enough to kick me into the 200s for the first time in 3 years.

ugh.

i know. i haven't updated in awhile. i've been really up and down lately, emotions-wise, and i've been avoiding practically everyone and everything.

first things first - i hit my 50 lb. weight loss mark! i hit it last week, after the ridiculous week of sickness. i lost 4 lbs, probably due to the fact that i did nothing but drink water and eat soup and oatmeal. so that was a huge step for me - now to push past it, and get back into the 200s.

this week, however, was not as great. i've been overwhelmed at work, and i'm completely stressing out over my move, which makes me do two things: not pack, and eat. i thought i was getting a pretty good handle on my emotional eating, but it seems i have more work to do. granted, i didn't gain this week, which is a great thing, but i know i had a bad week in terms of my choices. my "week" resets today, so it's time to work through the emotion, get through the move, and get back on track with my eating. and snack on healthy things - not whatever i can manage to get my grubby little paws on...

out of commission

at least i'm standing today. not for long periods, but i'm not stuck to the couch any more.

it's been a long time since a cold took me out of commission for 4 days. i'm still pretty sick, but i'm on the mend and feel much better than i did even yesterday.

i've completely abandoned WW while i've been sick. rephrase: i've completely abandoned food while i've been sick. except for soup and oatmeal. mmmmm.

in other news: i'm really upset by the fact that they found heath ledger dead in his apartment this afternoon. all my teenage fantasies just went up in smoke. he was my first real hollywood crush, thanks to "10 things i hate about you." sadness.

holy macaroni, batman!

i lost 2 lbs this week! given that i've been pmsing all week, it's some kind of miracle. but i guess being in a bad mood doesn't necessarily equate to a bad number on the scales. i stayed away from a lot of my trigger foods, so that's a plus. now to stay on track as i get close to the -50 mark...

in other news: i'm sick. again. this time it's a chest cold, with some flu symptoms. the last time i had a chest cold, it lasted for 8 months and became chronic bronchitis. super way to spend your senior year of college. i have to watch that this doesn't flare up into more than a sore throat and cough. god knows i don't need to add a batch of inhaled steroids to my daily routine.

i hate people.

i'm in a bad mood. a pretty fantastically bad mood. aka pms.

hence the reason i want cheesesticks and chocolate more than anything else on the planet. and the reason why i've been annoyed by pretty much everyone all week.

i'm generally a pretty laidback person. sure, i get ticked about things, and i have a not-so-great case of road rage, but most things roll off my back without much of a second thought. not so today. i'm all wound up about having to move my office down the hall. mostly because i wasn't a part of the conversation about moving down the hall (it's long and convoluted, i'll spare most of the details), and because i have to move from a nice-sized office into a little time hole in the wall that shouldn't even qualify as an office. meeting/interviewing people constitutes a large part of my job; i can't meet with people in the hole down the hall. how is that (other than being close to the "team") helpful to me accomplishing my work?

normally, i'd be well into a tub of moose tracks ice cream. i haven't had moose tracks ice cream since september. and a small piece of me just died as i typed that statement. how can a person go 5 months almost without having your favorite ice cream in the world? because i've changed my eating habits so much, that i don't even walk down the ice cream aisle. and i'd probably get really sick from that much fat now.

i still want the damned ice cream right now though.

omg.

i am craving papa john's cheesesticks like nobody's business. in all their greasy, cheesy, delicious goodness.

:drools:

why is this such a big deal?

i got absolutely annoyed with my grandmother last night. over a compliment. yep. she was telling me that she could really see that my face and neck were looking thinner and i got really annoyed about it.

i've been told, by one of my best friends no less, that i'm really bad about taking compliments. and i know where that comes from. it's called the negative self-image. and i have a bad case of it. i think i look gross, and i hate my haircut, so why would anyone else think it's a good cut, let alone think I'M pretty?

i always thought that weight loss was something extremely personal - why would i want anyone else involved in it? and i didn't. still don't, on most things. surprisingly, i don't mind sharing my journey with the other people at WW because they're on a similar journey and have experienced similar challenges in their lives. i don't even mind sharing with my mom, because we've become good friends over the last 2 years and i know she gets it. but i do mind sharing with people who really have no business in my business. like my co-workers. or even the rest of my family. and you know why i don't want to share with them? BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THE COMPLIMENTS! how ridiculous is that?

why is it so hard for me to take a compliment? i mean, really. all i have to do is say "thanks" and go on my way. but i can't. i get annoyed. like they're just trying to tell me things they think i want to hear so that i'll "feel better." which makes me think that the compliments aren't genuine. i know that's all my stuff to deal with, because seriously, who hates being complimented?

there are times i feel like eating the entire cupboard...

and i used to. all the time. probably why i hit 350 lbs at the age of 24. how embarrassing. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

the fact is that i know exactly how it happened. i have no idea how to eat a well-balanced, healthy meal, other than ordering the occasional salad at dinner. add on the sedentary lifestyle of college, dorm food, and alcohol, and suddenly, a girl who was moderately overweight in high school was suddenly grossly obese. with not a single skill to live a healthy life on my own.

i would not admit i had a problem. sure, my cholesterol was inching ever closer to 200, and my blood pressure was high, but i felt fine. i could eat, and watch tv, and i didn't get winded going up and down stairs. i was fine. then i started traveling for my first post-college job - and i couldn't buckle the seatbelts on the airplane. have you ever had to ask for a seatbelt extender? now that's a humbling/humiliating experience. so i started buying more vegetables and i bought some workout DVDs. and then i stopped buying veggies and bought more cookies, and i used the workout DVDs twice. and i didn't change a single bit of my lifestyle.

I AM 24! i'm supposed to be cute and thin and love going out to bars and parties. i'm NOT supposed to be 350 pounds, a size 28/30, and so FAT that i can't even buckle the seatbelts on the airplane!

i was looking for some way to change my life, but i was completely prejudiced against the thought of having to talk to someone about something i thought was a super personal journey/problem. maybe i could just do jenny craig and just eat whatever they told me to. or go to LA weight loss and take their magic pills or supplements or whatever. all good ideas, except that they're really expensive and i'm, well, broke.

my mom, unbeknownst to me, had started going back to weight watchers in may 2007, after having great success on it back in the late 90s. when my grandma died in 2002, she had given up and gained it all back. she offered to pay for me to go with her to weight watchers, and though i was really leery of it at first, i agreed to go. i had no idea what my weight was, but assumed it was around 300 lbs. and can i just tell you that stepping on that scale and seeing it hit 350 was the scariest, darkest, worst moment of my entire life?

i've been working the weight watchers program for over 4 months now, and i've lost more than 40 lbs. i've still got a LONG way to go to get to a healthy BMI, but at least i've started. have you?