oh wednesday

kind of an odd, rough day for my emotions. my bestie called me this morning with bad news - her grandpa passed away. i didn't know her when her grandma died, or if i did, we weren't besties yet and i don't remember it. but we were definitely besties when my grandma died when we were 19, and when my grandpa died in 2007. she was there, bringing me whatever i needed, even if it was just a hug. and i am having some severe guilt over the fact that i won't be able to do the same for her - not completely, at least.

i leave for texas for 5 days on friday. the funeral is likely to be saturday at this juncture, and i won't be here to go. yes, her boyfriend and our other friends will take care of her, but it's supposed to be my job. i'm her best friend - she was there for me, and i have to repay that. i know i can't control it, but i still feel guilty about not being in town.

on top of that, i'm discovering some awesome unresolved emotions about my grandma's death. next thursday marks the 7th anniversary of the day she died and my stable family life went boom. she was the first person whose death really and truly devastated me. though it didn't surface for about 18 months, her death sent me into a deep depression. like any good girl, i ate my way through my emotions, and probably gained the majority of my weight between 20 and 22. i saw a shrink for awhile, and was on anti-depressants, and while i get a little sad around the 4th of july, i pretty much thought i had this all behind me. but for some reason, today's news has rocked me to the core.

i'm not 100% sure what the emotions are - i'm feeling a little empty, a little guilty, a little sad. i miss my grandma more than anything in the world, and i know that my bff will miss her grandpa in the same way. they were extremely close, and i know she's unsure how this will knock her family around. how do i tell her that it'll be fine, when even 7 years later, i'm not really fine?

a picture's worth 1000 words

Or something like it... let's see if we can get this picture progression to work!





May 2007 - 4 months prior to starting WW














November 2007 - 2 months on WW - about 25 lbs gone












March 2008 - About 65 lbs gone













July 2008











October 2008 - Just over 100 lbs gone








Mach 2009 - 130 lbs gone













May 2009 - 148 lbs gone!

breaking the routine

i've been housesitting the last couple days, and it's been a hard transition. i don't sleep very well when i'm not in my bed, and you add in all the weird sounds of a different house and the whining of the dog, and that's just the first part of the change in my routine. i also don't have my food, which i think is the hardest part of housesitting.

looking in other people's refrigerators is an interesting study. there was the lady that had absolutely nothing in her freezer except frozen dinners. this current fridge has beer, a couple pitchers of water, and some leftovers. nothing else. no fruit; no veggies; no milk. which means that i had to go grocery shopping to survive the 5 days i'm here. it was an exploration in finding easy meals that didn't require a lot of the things i have standard in my house - vegetables, frozen meat, cereal, milk, eggs, etc. i've resorted to strawberries and blueberries for fruit in the morning, along with some eggo nutri-grain low-fat waffles and a glass of milk. it's okay, but definitely not sticking with me like some of my other breakfasts.

it's hard to eat filling foods when the fridge you have access to is not adequately stocked. i'm staying on plan, and getting my HGs in through other ways, but it's a change to my routine. we'll have to see what effect it has at the scale next week. hopefully it's not a bad effect.

the late night snack monster

i've had a recent fight with the late-night snack monster. i don't know if he comes to visit because he knows i'm bored, or if i'm just not planning my dinner meals appropriately. usually, i'm good about having one late night snack - but recently, i've been craving salt, which means the potato chips become a big ol' red light food for me. i've been good about tracking (other than that bowl of cereal i had last night at 9:30...) everything i eat, but i'm eating away points that i don't necessarily need to spend.

time for a re-eval. i need to figure out what's causing my salt cravings, look at my dinners so they include more filling foods, and STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN. bah.

how to be an inspiration

my new WW leader keeps telling me that i should think about writing my success story because i'd be an inspiration to other people. while people constantly ask me questions about my weight loss, and i'm happy to help them, i have a really hard time seeing myself as an inspiration. i have no big story to tell, no uber-moving motivation that made me change my ways. no kids that "need" me; no doctor telling me that if i didn't change something, i'd die. i was tired of being fat. that's it.

WW hasn't been hard for me. i was ready to make the change. the weight has fallen off consistently over the last 18 months. sure, i've hit some rough patches, but i've stayed the course. there's been some mental wrestling - finding new motivation, reminding myself what it was like 143 lbs ago - but i've never wanted to just give up. how does that help someone who is on the verge of just plain giving up?

my mental block to this exercise exists in another form as well - i still have 50+ lbs to lose. i don't think it's fair to claim the "i'm a success" card until i've actually hit my goal and had to maintain it for a little bit. that's a whole new can of worms. just because i can get it off doesn't mean i can keep it off.

am i making too much of this?

woo hoo!

tonight was a pretty big milestone for me - i've lost 10% of my body weight 5 times. which is a huge number - 143 lbs! that's more than some of my friends already weigh. which is a little bit scary - thinking that i was essentially carrying one of them around on my back for the last few years.

things are different now - i'm taking care of myself, i make better choices, and i actually give a rat's ass about how i look. not that i didn't before, but it's so much easier when clothes actually fit.

i'm still working on things - i've still got about 50 lbs to lose. and it's going to be a hard 50 lbs to lose. but i feel great - so awesome as i head into my 27th year on the planet.

where i've been

i know - it's been more than a month than i had anything to say. most of that had to do with march being about the busiest month on record. i was going a million miles an hour, and it really went by without me realizing it.

summer is back - and it's my favorite time of the year. i know what you're thinking - it's hardly april! but baseball started last Monday, and started here at home yesterday. and that's the first indication of summer for me. then comes dinner and drinks on the patio, late nights at the pool, and barbecues. my friends are out of school (a lot of them are teachers), and have more time for random outings. it's less of a fight with myself to go out and exercise because i'd rather be outside than inside. i love summer in Colorado, and i can hardly wait!

jackie and i!

My online WW friend, Jackie, and I had the opportunity to meet today, and took a nice long walk all around downtown Denver. For all our other WW friends, here we are!

what happens when i travel...

i am a walking ball of crazy, moreso than the usual level of crazy. the reason: my routine got screwed up.

i am one of those strange creatures of habit. the kind that gets up at the exact same time every day, has a very strict shower routine (shampoo, body wash, conditioner, face wash), feels late if she's at work later than 7:40 AM, and pretty much knows what's on the calendar for any given day. this week, however, i hit a huge snag, and it's thrown me totally off kilter.

the snag - i traveled for work. went to a conference in vegas for 3 days. stayed at caesar's palace. it was ridic.

big deal, i know. but somehow, it was enough to knock me out of alignment, and i'm having a hard time getting back to my schedule. not being on schedule stresses me out, which causes me not to pay attention to my snacking habits, and leads me on the dangerous chocolate path. today is the first day in a week that i feel semi in-control again, and i need to make sure i stay in control the rest of the week.

when the stars go blue

i've been on an uber emotional rollercoaster this week - and there's been nothing really to prompt it other than hormones. i'm not quite sure what the deal is; i'm eating right, and exercising, but for whatever reason, i've been extremely lonely, irritable, and just plain down for the last 3 or 4 days. i don't really want to be around anyone, but i crave attention. i'm being super productive at work, but feel like i'm not accomplishing anything. there's nothing out of the ordinary happening, but i feel super stressed out.

i hate feeling like this. i'm feeling stuck - i know that my feelings are illogical and irrational, but i just can't seem to shake them. and that makes me even more irritable and sad. what's my deal?

gah.

i am exhausted

thank god tomorrow is friday. i don't know how exactly i managed to get through this week, given that starting on tuesday, i've been convinced it's a day later than it actually has been. so annoying when you wake up and realize it's only thursday.

it's been a long week, but not for any real reason. i've had a lot to do, and i feel like i've been spinning my wheels. nothing is moving, or i feel like i'm recruiting for positions that don't go anywhere. i think a lot of people are seeing something similar, but i hate getting people's hopes up for no reason at all.

in other news, i have to figure out what i'm getting everyone for christmas. it's usually pretty easy, but for some reason, i'm having a heckuva time this year, particularly with my dad. hm. we'll have to see what i can come up with!

okay, okay - here are some pictures

here are the pictures! in 14 months on WW, i've lost about 110 lbs.

my mom and i, at a picnic about a month before i started WW:















and me out in LA, in october 2008, after 14 months on WW:








from my trip to san diego last October - i had been on WW for about a month:


















same group, a year later:


















from our trip to vegas, november 2007:























and from a day at the food bank, about a week ago:

le sigh.

my face hurts. after 7 days of antibiotics, and 7 days of thinking i had beat this stupid tooth infection, my lip swelled to the size of jupiter on saturday morning. so i'm back on antibiotics. and my tooth comes out on 11/12. sweet!

i'm having mixed feelings about my tooth coming out. i had a flipper for about 6 years that allowed me to pop 2 of my teeth in and out, and i was sad when i couldn't do my party trick any more... i'll have that ability back, but at the cost of losing my front tooth. i'm also happy that my face won't hurt any more, and won't randomly swell. but cosmetically, I'M LOSING MY FRONT TOOTH! so... mixed bag, you see.

so i've been asked for pictures again... i will find some cute ones and post them as soon as i have a chance (and i remember). hopefully i'll find time in the next night or so to get that done.

the tooth rebellion, part deux

my teeth are rebelling. this is nothing new; the whole thing started in february with a funny spot on the back of my front tooth. i had a root canal, and all seemed to be fine. not so much.

my tooth has been aching intermittently for the last month or so. i have a pretty high tolerance for pain, so i didn't really notice it. around the first of the month, the pain became more increasing, and i noticed that my teeth weren't so straight anymore. the tooth that had had the root canal was dropping - it's slipping out of its socket. since last wednesday, i've been in pretty much constant pain, popping ibuprofen every 4 hours. last night and the night before, the pain has awoken me. it's bad news!

i'm going to see the endodontist around noon. he's going to look at the x-ray and tell me it's time for my tooth to come out. which means a flipper with a fake tooth at a minimum and another implant second. awesome.

what happens when we grow up

i just came back from spending the weekend in LA with 5 of my friends from college. overall, it was a fairly good weekend - but i noticed a lot of things that i hadn't noticed in the past. namely, people that i used to have a lot in common with, i no longer do. i know it comes from the fact that we all live hundreds of miles apart, and our lives have gone other directions, but it's sad when conversation basically just stops. maybe it's because we think we've got the info we need, or because we just don't care anymore.

of the five people (other than myself) that were there, i really only have the desire to see two of them again. these are the people that i regularly talk to, and who i would go visit outside of our yearly ritual. it's sad, but i suppose it's the way it goes when you grow up. you spend time with the people who reciprocate the relationship, and you find less and less in common with the people who don't.

today is august

july was a shit month, to put it frankly. a shit month for working and weight loss, i should say, since i had a great time socially. i'm ready for august. even with its 100 degree days and 80 degree nights. it's a new picture on the calendar (this month on "the office" wall calendar: toby, from HR - "Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um...I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly."), and the time for me to pretend july never happened and do what i need to do to get over my mental block and keep moving forward.

i lost 3.4 lbs this week, which is a great boost after 3 weeks of practically no movement. i was ready to get home and take a walk, even though it was hotter than hades yesterday.

i can do this. i know i can. i've been at it for 11 months. just do it, damnit.

i have hit a mental wall.

i'm mostly on plan, but not 100% committed.

i don't what's causing my mental block, but it would sure be great if i could figure out how to get over this bump in the road.

disappearing.

i am in a funk.

i have no motivation, and i've grown rather apathetic in the last few weeks. i haven't been diligent about anything WW-related, and feel like i've lost my reasoning why this is what i want to be doing. it's cheaper and easier to eat the crap food, even though i feel like trash afterwards. i don't know what to do to kickstart myself back into high gear.

it's frustrating.

picture time!

i took a really cute picture last week when my friend was in town (and we were at the bar... surprise, surprise), and it prompted a "let's put up some new photos" thought. so, here we go:

may 2007, 6 months prior to WW:


march 2008, 6 months into WW, 65ish lbs lost:


july 2008, 94 lbs lost:


amazing.

and that's what happens

i've "kind of" been on plan this last week. it was a holiday weekend, and i was, at best, getting in my water and veggies every day. and i consumed a LOT of alcohol. again. for about the 4th week in a row. and it showed: i lost a small .4 lbs this week (tiny after 3 weeks of averaging 3 lbs lost each week).

i was trying to figure out how this week has been different than the proceeding weeks, and the fact is that even though i ate out a bunch over the proceeding weeks, i also still ate at home a fair amount. this week, though, i ate out EVERY SINGLE DAY. seriously.

last thursday: baseball game. ice cream and 2 beers.
last friday: the 4th. 1.5 hotdogs and 1 hamburger, a bunch of chips, 3 beers, and a margarita
saturday: baseball game. ice cream and 2 beers.
sunday: baseball game. ice cream and 1 beer. chicken enchiladas.
monday: dinner at grandma's - roast beef, asparagus in velveeta, oven roasted potatoes in oil
tuesday: bar night. 4 beers. a bunch of chips and guacamole.
wednesday: chipotle.

that was my week. add in minimal structured exercise, and it's pretty amazing that i even managed a .4 loss.

it's time to get back to the basics. i hear myself say that, but it really and truly is. i need to make time for structured exercise. less beer, more water. better choices when eating out. make a plan! track. every day, after every meal. not all at the end of the day.

it's going to be a big week. i need to make time for me, and remember why it is that i'm on this journey in the first place. and what i want in the end.