what happens when i travel...

i am a walking ball of crazy, moreso than the usual level of crazy. the reason: my routine got screwed up.

i am one of those strange creatures of habit. the kind that gets up at the exact same time every day, has a very strict shower routine (shampoo, body wash, conditioner, face wash), feels late if she's at work later than 7:40 AM, and pretty much knows what's on the calendar for any given day. this week, however, i hit a huge snag, and it's thrown me totally off kilter.

the snag - i traveled for work. went to a conference in vegas for 3 days. stayed at caesar's palace. it was ridic.

big deal, i know. but somehow, it was enough to knock me out of alignment, and i'm having a hard time getting back to my schedule. not being on schedule stresses me out, which causes me not to pay attention to my snacking habits, and leads me on the dangerous chocolate path. today is the first day in a week that i feel semi in-control again, and i need to make sure i stay in control the rest of the week.

when the stars go blue

i've been on an uber emotional rollercoaster this week - and there's been nothing really to prompt it other than hormones. i'm not quite sure what the deal is; i'm eating right, and exercising, but for whatever reason, i've been extremely lonely, irritable, and just plain down for the last 3 or 4 days. i don't really want to be around anyone, but i crave attention. i'm being super productive at work, but feel like i'm not accomplishing anything. there's nothing out of the ordinary happening, but i feel super stressed out.

i hate feeling like this. i'm feeling stuck - i know that my feelings are illogical and irrational, but i just can't seem to shake them. and that makes me even more irritable and sad. what's my deal?

gah.

i am exhausted

thank god tomorrow is friday. i don't know how exactly i managed to get through this week, given that starting on tuesday, i've been convinced it's a day later than it actually has been. so annoying when you wake up and realize it's only thursday.

it's been a long week, but not for any real reason. i've had a lot to do, and i feel like i've been spinning my wheels. nothing is moving, or i feel like i'm recruiting for positions that don't go anywhere. i think a lot of people are seeing something similar, but i hate getting people's hopes up for no reason at all.

in other news, i have to figure out what i'm getting everyone for christmas. it's usually pretty easy, but for some reason, i'm having a heckuva time this year, particularly with my dad. hm. we'll have to see what i can come up with!

okay, okay - here are some pictures

here are the pictures! in 14 months on WW, i've lost about 110 lbs.

my mom and i, at a picnic about a month before i started WW:















and me out in LA, in october 2008, after 14 months on WW:








from my trip to san diego last October - i had been on WW for about a month:


















same group, a year later:


















from our trip to vegas, november 2007:























and from a day at the food bank, about a week ago:

le sigh.

my face hurts. after 7 days of antibiotics, and 7 days of thinking i had beat this stupid tooth infection, my lip swelled to the size of jupiter on saturday morning. so i'm back on antibiotics. and my tooth comes out on 11/12. sweet!

i'm having mixed feelings about my tooth coming out. i had a flipper for about 6 years that allowed me to pop 2 of my teeth in and out, and i was sad when i couldn't do my party trick any more... i'll have that ability back, but at the cost of losing my front tooth. i'm also happy that my face won't hurt any more, and won't randomly swell. but cosmetically, I'M LOSING MY FRONT TOOTH! so... mixed bag, you see.

so i've been asked for pictures again... i will find some cute ones and post them as soon as i have a chance (and i remember). hopefully i'll find time in the next night or so to get that done.

the tooth rebellion, part deux

my teeth are rebelling. this is nothing new; the whole thing started in february with a funny spot on the back of my front tooth. i had a root canal, and all seemed to be fine. not so much.

my tooth has been aching intermittently for the last month or so. i have a pretty high tolerance for pain, so i didn't really notice it. around the first of the month, the pain became more increasing, and i noticed that my teeth weren't so straight anymore. the tooth that had had the root canal was dropping - it's slipping out of its socket. since last wednesday, i've been in pretty much constant pain, popping ibuprofen every 4 hours. last night and the night before, the pain has awoken me. it's bad news!

i'm going to see the endodontist around noon. he's going to look at the x-ray and tell me it's time for my tooth to come out. which means a flipper with a fake tooth at a minimum and another implant second. awesome.

what happens when we grow up

i just came back from spending the weekend in LA with 5 of my friends from college. overall, it was a fairly good weekend - but i noticed a lot of things that i hadn't noticed in the past. namely, people that i used to have a lot in common with, i no longer do. i know it comes from the fact that we all live hundreds of miles apart, and our lives have gone other directions, but it's sad when conversation basically just stops. maybe it's because we think we've got the info we need, or because we just don't care anymore.

of the five people (other than myself) that were there, i really only have the desire to see two of them again. these are the people that i regularly talk to, and who i would go visit outside of our yearly ritual. it's sad, but i suppose it's the way it goes when you grow up. you spend time with the people who reciprocate the relationship, and you find less and less in common with the people who don't.

today is august

july was a shit month, to put it frankly. a shit month for working and weight loss, i should say, since i had a great time socially. i'm ready for august. even with its 100 degree days and 80 degree nights. it's a new picture on the calendar (this month on "the office" wall calendar: toby, from HR - "Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking me about human anatomy. Um...I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly."), and the time for me to pretend july never happened and do what i need to do to get over my mental block and keep moving forward.

i lost 3.4 lbs this week, which is a great boost after 3 weeks of practically no movement. i was ready to get home and take a walk, even though it was hotter than hades yesterday.

i can do this. i know i can. i've been at it for 11 months. just do it, damnit.

i have hit a mental wall.

i'm mostly on plan, but not 100% committed.

i don't what's causing my mental block, but it would sure be great if i could figure out how to get over this bump in the road.

disappearing.

i am in a funk.

i have no motivation, and i've grown rather apathetic in the last few weeks. i haven't been diligent about anything WW-related, and feel like i've lost my reasoning why this is what i want to be doing. it's cheaper and easier to eat the crap food, even though i feel like trash afterwards. i don't know what to do to kickstart myself back into high gear.

it's frustrating.

picture time!

i took a really cute picture last week when my friend was in town (and we were at the bar... surprise, surprise), and it prompted a "let's put up some new photos" thought. so, here we go:

may 2007, 6 months prior to WW:


march 2008, 6 months into WW, 65ish lbs lost:


july 2008, 94 lbs lost:


amazing.

and that's what happens

i've "kind of" been on plan this last week. it was a holiday weekend, and i was, at best, getting in my water and veggies every day. and i consumed a LOT of alcohol. again. for about the 4th week in a row. and it showed: i lost a small .4 lbs this week (tiny after 3 weeks of averaging 3 lbs lost each week).

i was trying to figure out how this week has been different than the proceeding weeks, and the fact is that even though i ate out a bunch over the proceeding weeks, i also still ate at home a fair amount. this week, though, i ate out EVERY SINGLE DAY. seriously.

last thursday: baseball game. ice cream and 2 beers.
last friday: the 4th. 1.5 hotdogs and 1 hamburger, a bunch of chips, 3 beers, and a margarita
saturday: baseball game. ice cream and 2 beers.
sunday: baseball game. ice cream and 1 beer. chicken enchiladas.
monday: dinner at grandma's - roast beef, asparagus in velveeta, oven roasted potatoes in oil
tuesday: bar night. 4 beers. a bunch of chips and guacamole.
wednesday: chipotle.

that was my week. add in minimal structured exercise, and it's pretty amazing that i even managed a .4 loss.

it's time to get back to the basics. i hear myself say that, but it really and truly is. i need to make time for structured exercise. less beer, more water. better choices when eating out. make a plan! track. every day, after every meal. not all at the end of the day.

it's going to be a big week. i need to make time for me, and remember why it is that i'm on this journey in the first place. and what i want in the end.

i want to eat EVERYTHING

i'm in a munchy kind of mood. not for any particular reason, and i have a feeling that it's eating out of boredom, but really have a strong desire for cheese pizza (extra cheese) and nasty gooey greasy food. or a bag of cheetos. either way. i could be a black hole today, and i'm doing my best to stay out of the kitchen and away from the food. i'm not eating, but i know it's there. could make for a long evening....

i went swimming yesterday for the first time in probably 3 years. it's been a LONG time since i pulled on a swim suit and got in the water - strange since i swam competitively for about 8 years of my life. it was glorious. i forgot how much fun being in the water is, and how relaxing just chillin' there is. let's do it again!

must make myself go for a walk, and should probably get my ironing done.

my family exhausts me

it has been quite the weekend. i have spent more time with my family over the last 4 days than i have in a really long time - including the trip we took to austin. there's an added family member though - my great aunt, who is 95 - and while she's the sweetest lady ever, she's managed to make us all a little crazy. she's pretty lonely, and when she's around us, she talks nonstop. she has been going for 3 days now, and the trouble is that she ran out of things to say 2 days ago. so she's repeating. and repeating. and repeating. it's kind of annoying, no matter how sweet and cute she is at 95.

her favorite topic for the weekend? how much weight i've lost and how pretty i am now!! it's not a backhanded compliment, but it pretty much feels like it. as if i wasn't pretty before (i'm not, but that's a self-esteem issue, not a beauty issue). i'm so tired of people talking about my weight. can we please let it go now? a simple "you look great" suffices. the rest of the family managed it.

i know she's just trying to pay me a compliment, but really. i'm done. can we please change the subject now?

the beer diet - i swear it works.

i joke around a lot by nature, but sometimes i forget that not everyone appreciates my sense of humor. i've gotten pretty vocal (and off-topic) recently in my WW meetings - i'm loud and obnoxious when i'm comfortable, and it seems i've finally gotten comfortable in my meetings. and last night i made a joke that i don't think everyone appreciated.

i've seen tremendous losses in the last 2 weeks, and the only thing that i can attribute to changing is that my beer consumption has pretty much tripled since the start of june. so after i stepped off the scale last night with another multi-pound loss (2.5 this week), i joked to my mom that i was going on a beer diet. when we got around to celebrations (i was celebrating 90 lbs lost), my leader asked what i would recommend to the newbies and i said, jokingly, the beer diet. some people laughed, but my leader looked horrified. immediately i said that i was joking, and then made some helpful comments about tracking, etc., and we went on. i made another comment to my mom later about the beer diet, and i got a nasty look from my leader.

i'm joking around! seriously. i'm not condoning consuming massive amounts of alcohol, particularly as a healthy way of living. but i don't think it's a bad thing to show that i can still have fun like any other 25-year-old on the planet and still loose weight. isn't that really what WW's message is - learn to eat what you want while living a healthy lifestyle? maybe i'm wrong, but that mindset is what keeps me focused.

encouraging v. overbearing

i have a friend who did WW a long time ago, and has actually made lifetime twice before, but has gained back the weight again. now she has other health problems (sleep apnea, diabetes, high bp, etc.), and isn't really doing anything about it. she's taken some classes on dealing with her diabetes, and the doctor just keeps telling her that most of her trouble would be solved if she lost some weight - just 10% of her current weight. she tried south beach for about a week, and then gave up. she ate the diet prescribed by the diabetes person for a week, and gave up. she tells me these things constantly, but i don't see any commitment on her part to change.

she's watched my journey thus far, and also comments that she needs to go back to WW. i've never pushed, just encouraged. offered for her to go with my mom and i, so she'd have a buddy to help her on her journey. told her about the program, and why i like it. she finally told me last week that she was going to go to a meeting this past weekend, and when i asked how it went yesterday, she said she didn't go. her excuse was that she forgot to print the meeting schedule, so she didn't know what time to go. and promptly followed it up with a "but I really do need to go."

this frustrates me, because i'm kind of tired of hearing her shoulda/coulda/wouldas. she could do this, if she really wanted to, but i know there's no commitment on her side, and i know from personal experience that you can't make someone be ready to change their life. they have to be ready themselves, or they don't stick to it. it's just the way it is.

how do i stay encouraging without getting overbearing, or worse, just getting fed up at her? i want to print the schedule for her, just so she won't have that excuse, but i won't. i don't really want to talk about my success with her, because it will just inspire another round of "i should..." i feel like i'm in this weird catch-22 - she won't do anything at all if i stop encouraging, but i'm afraid i'll get pushy with her if i have to listen to her do nothing for much longer....

frustrated. agitated. annoyed.

hm. there seems to be an epidemic. a plan canceling epidemic. and it's reaching a new high.

i get really annoyed when people cancel plans on me, especially when they have no real good reason. i do my best to keep plans i make with people, and really only cancel them in dire situations. why can't people have the common courtesy to do the same?

i just got ditched because "8:00 PM is too late to go out." um, seriously? you're 23. 8:00 PM is not too late. in fact, it's early. especially on a saturday. we've had plans to do something this weekend for 3 weeks, and you cancel on me the night before. yes, i know you have to work all day tomorrow, and i don't, but wouldn't it be nice to just go have a nice dinner and maybe go to the movies afterwards? don't feed me lines like "oh it'll be more fun when you can come down for a whole day and we can go to the mountains or something." bullshit. dinner and conversation can be fun too.

what. the. fuck.

so apparently feeling out of control isn't always a bad thing.

i lost 4 lbs this week. what. the. fuck?! i mean, seriously.

since my last weigh-in, i have consumed over 90 ounces of beer, 7 slices of pizza, and an undetermined number of m&ms. i ate all but 10 of my weekly point allowance, and feel like i hardly cooked for myself at all (which is true).

the leader i had for meeting this week (my normal leader is on vacation) said that sometimes our bodies like it when we mix things up - break the routine we get used to - and it kickstarts our metabolism. sounds good to me.

but it's time to get back to the routine - tracking, watching what choices i make, earning APs, etc. i only have 1.6 lbs left to hit my goal for 4th of july. 2 weeks to do it. no problem.

feeling out of control

i hate feeling out of control. yes, i'm a control freak, and a planner, so of course being out of control makes me nuts. and this has been the worst week for feeling out of control.

i know exactly how it started: i weighed in last thursday, went home, and ate 4 slices of pizza and drank 4 beers. bam! out of control. friday and saturday, i wrangled it in, but then sunday came. even though i made weight watchers recipes for dinner (mid-afternoon dinner), i still managed to overeat my daily points. only by a couple (and i had activity points to supplement). last night was dinner at grandma's, and while it was delicious, it was over my points for the day. tonight we're having a dinner party/meeting for one of the groups i'm a part of, and i have NO control over what's being served. knowing the person cooking, it'll be full of fat, but delish. i'll just have to watch my portion size.

it's tuesday. i weigh in again on thursday. i'll be thoroughly surprised if there's a loss this week.

in the meantime, i'm not eating at home tonight, i'm going to the baseball game tomorrow night (woo beer points) and it's our monthly birthday celebration in the office, i have a lunch meeting at the olive garden on thursday (soup, salad and breadsticks, baby), and finally i have a lunch date on friday. saturday, there's a fair chance i'll be eating out twice.

i hate feeling like this, but it's how life moves. how am i supposed to work the program when my life pretty much prevents me from doing it?

oh wow.

so yesterday was a minor victory in the land o'weight loss. i was down .8, which puts me just shy of my 85-pound star, and within 5 lbs of my 4th of july goal. not bad for a week packed with snack attacks.

then it was post-meeting time and i just seemed to forget who i was and what i was doing. 4 beers and half my weekly point allowance later, it's friday morning. i'm surprisingly not running slow this morning (probably a good thing, since i seem to be the only one in the office...), but i am feeling rather guilty about the ridiculous amount of food/alcohol i inhaled yesterday.

granted, i know that my WPA is there for me to use, but i usually use it over the course of saturday and sunday, not all on thursday, right after WI. oh my.

well, this means i'll need to be on my best food behavior the rest of the week. particularly over the weekend. help!